October 19, 2010
Reality hurts
My Grandfather is dying. He has cancer. He was only diagnosed Feb. of this year. I have not seen him since August 2009. He most likely won't make to Christmas 2011. He'll have this year but most of next year is up in the air. I am not writing this to you all because I want pity. This is my online journal where I can express myself and I find myself needing to vent or cry or just type it all out. I feel badly that I haven't seen him in so long, but financial issues have become problematic when it comes to airplane ticket prices to get out there to see him. I've spoken to family members who have seen him (ones that will actually tell me like it is) and say he's only the shell of the man that we once knew. This saddens me so much. I can remember all the times we've laughed together and he's teased me endlessly. My sister and I always used to describe him as a crusty marshmellow. He's old and burnt and crusty on the outside, but on the inside he's a big hunk of goo. And if you knew my Grandfather, you'd know that is the perfect description of him. Now that he is ill, he apparently doesn't have his same spirit. He's lost weight, doesn't eat much, doesn't walk well and is still undergoing chemotherapy and radiation which leaves him weak and in pain so most of the time he's on pain medication and sleeping. I have this great desire to see him alive one last time but don't have the money right now. We jsut can't afford it. This breaks my heart because I feel like I'm the ONLY grandchild who hasn't seen him since he was diagnosed. I feel guilty about it too. And I know anyone in my family that I tell that to will say ,"but everyone understands, you do what you have to". But it jsut doesn't feel right to me. I guess I just dont' want the next time I see him to be at his funeral. I will feel like I failed to see him when everyone else made it. God I sound so selfish just now! I'm worried about how I'd feel if he passes! He's dying! God I'm horrible! He's dying and I'm worried about me! ugh... sometimes I don't understand myself. I do want to see him because he's my grandfather and I would like to see him before he passes,but I don't want to make it a selfish thing. I want to see him. He's my grandfather and I love him. I jsut wish we had the means to fly to see him. I hate that my husband isnt' home right now. I could really use a shoulder to cry on because for the first time since I heard he had cancer, it is really sinking in as reality right now. :(
October 16, 2010
Waiting...
... SUCKS!!!!
Ugh! It seems like everything we have to do in this life we have to wait for first! We have to wait until we're 16 to drive a car, 21 to drink alcohol, etc. For me, I'm waiting to see if I'm preggo or not but also waiting on a phone call from hubby who's out to sea right now. I hate waiting. It's annoying and it gets me thinking and sometimes it really is bad to let me think. So now I am trying to occupy my mind with something else and keep me busy while I wait to talk to hubby, and wait until Friday for my docs appointment. any suggestions????
Ugh! It seems like everything we have to do in this life we have to wait for first! We have to wait until we're 16 to drive a car, 21 to drink alcohol, etc. For me, I'm waiting to see if I'm preggo or not but also waiting on a phone call from hubby who's out to sea right now. I hate waiting. It's annoying and it gets me thinking and sometimes it really is bad to let me think. So now I am trying to occupy my mind with something else and keep me busy while I wait to talk to hubby, and wait until Friday for my docs appointment. any suggestions????
October 15, 2010
MilSpouse Friday Fill In
1. What are some things on your bucket list?
Go back to school, have a baby, own my own child car facility, go on a cruise, etc
2. How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far?
3 years and we've only been stationed here in VA, but I think he's looking to transfer soon.
3. What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far?
um... there are a couple that come close, but nothing major though.
4. What is your favorite kind of pizza?
Cheese, or chicken with onions and mushrooms
5. What are three good things in your life right now?
My job, my husband, and the support of my family
October 13, 2010
No Beuno
Today was not a good day. I'm still sick. At least this cold is no longer making me feel pressure under and around my eyes making my eyes feel like they're going to burst out of their sockets. But now it has moved to my throat where I currently have a crazy sore throat and a cough like an old man whose smoked for 50 years. And to top it all off, after seeing an email from hubby pop up on my BB, I read it and am instantly crushed. Not all of it was bad but I just can't get over this one part. He talks about how he feels no joy working where he does anymore and even says this....
"I really couldn’t even get excited about being another day closer to seeing you"
That killed me! The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I'm one day closer to having him home again and he tells me that! I'm so hurt and upset by it that I couldn't respond. I don't know what to say to that! I don't know how to react to that! I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm dealing with everything, but the one thing that keeps a smile on my face to the rest of the world is knowing that my husband loves me and that he can't wait to see me again and that he's itching to see me as bas as I am wanting to see him. But apparently not. I just want to cry.
"I really couldn’t even get excited about being another day closer to seeing you"
That killed me! The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I'm one day closer to having him home again and he tells me that! I'm so hurt and upset by it that I couldn't respond. I don't know what to say to that! I don't know how to react to that! I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm dealing with everything, but the one thing that keeps a smile on my face to the rest of the world is knowing that my husband loves me and that he can't wait to see me again and that he's itching to see me as bas as I am wanting to see him. But apparently not. I just want to cry.
October 12, 2010
The Woman In Me
The Woman In Me - Shania Twain
I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...
You know, sometimes as military wives we feel like we are stronger than steel and that we are invincible. Especially when our men are gone. We feel the obligation to be stronger than The Hulk just so that our loved one isn't burdened by our loneliness or our sadness of missing them. But in truth, we all are dying a little inside when we wake up and there isn't an email waiting for us, or when it's two hours past the time he said he'd call. Yes we are going through what most women can't or refuse to deal with. We are extrodinary. But we are HUMAN. We have emotions. We have low points. Sometimes I see posts on FB explaining how a military wife is so strong and how she is coping so well with the seperation, but inside I'm thinking, "Man... is she high or something?". Personally I don't think it's possible to NOT miss them when they're gone. Whether you show that or not is your own opinion. But personally I think we should speak our true feelings about how we cope with the seperation, because once we start lying to ourselves about how well we're doing or how well we're not doing, we start lying to our guys. Yes I understand it is important to not burden our deployed loved ones with guilt that they are gone. Obviously they had no choice in the matter. But don't go on and on about how great you're doing to him while you're dying inside. Sometimes it is good for a couple to be honest with each other about how much you miss them or if you are struggling to get a grip. Often times they'll surprise you and give great advice on how to cope, or admit that they too are struggling. If they say they're struggling too... then you won't feel so alone in loneliness because you know he is going through it too. Obviously, I am not suggesting you go out and write an entire email proclaiming how life is meaningless without him. You could start him to worry about your mental stability. But a small little truth about it will go a long way. That's why I have posted the song The Woman In Me by Shania Twain because it talks about how sometimes you're not always as strong as you want to come off to be. Personally I have had some bad days when my husband is gone and when I go on FB and see all these other wives not even batting an eye that they're gone I feel even worse because I feel like I've failed as a wife. I'm not as strong as the other wives, and then I start to doubt myself that I can even stay married to my sailor. These are all completely honest thoughts I've had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Military wives out there: don't be afraid to acknowledge that you are struggling with your husband being gone or that you're having a bad day. It just means you're human. And who knows, maybe you'll find out a close friend is also struggling and you can band together to get through. There's no use in not admitting it because it will only get worse or make you feel worse when you see everyone else doing so "well". So here I go:
I am breaking my silence. I have been having a miserable time with this underway. I'm not sure why this underway is having this affect on me, but it is. I am lonely. I am often times depressed. I am frustrated that I see all these other wives doing so well or at least claiming they're so strong through this whole thing. I feel defective because of the previously stated reason. I'm tired of military wives putting on a good face for the world even though inside we're falling apart. I'm tired of the lies. Well it stops right here for me. If I am having a bad day, I'm going to say so. Do no think differently of me because I do, but only that I am human and that I do miss my husband. Yes I realize that tomorrow I will be better, but allow me to go through the stages of getting myself to that point, which starts off with admitting it and accepting it and realizing that it is normal. I do not feel there is any shame in that, so if there are any military wives out there reading this... please be honest. First with yourselves and then with your husband and with the rest of the world. We're not fooling anyone, especially our husbands. They know it's hard on us being so far apart. But if you don't admit it, then no one can help you cope and move on.
I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...
You know, sometimes as military wives we feel like we are stronger than steel and that we are invincible. Especially when our men are gone. We feel the obligation to be stronger than The Hulk just so that our loved one isn't burdened by our loneliness or our sadness of missing them. But in truth, we all are dying a little inside when we wake up and there isn't an email waiting for us, or when it's two hours past the time he said he'd call. Yes we are going through what most women can't or refuse to deal with. We are extrodinary. But we are HUMAN. We have emotions. We have low points. Sometimes I see posts on FB explaining how a military wife is so strong and how she is coping so well with the seperation, but inside I'm thinking, "Man... is she high or something?". Personally I don't think it's possible to NOT miss them when they're gone. Whether you show that or not is your own opinion. But personally I think we should speak our true feelings about how we cope with the seperation, because once we start lying to ourselves about how well we're doing or how well we're not doing, we start lying to our guys. Yes I understand it is important to not burden our deployed loved ones with guilt that they are gone. Obviously they had no choice in the matter. But don't go on and on about how great you're doing to him while you're dying inside. Sometimes it is good for a couple to be honest with each other about how much you miss them or if you are struggling to get a grip. Often times they'll surprise you and give great advice on how to cope, or admit that they too are struggling. If they say they're struggling too... then you won't feel so alone in loneliness because you know he is going through it too. Obviously, I am not suggesting you go out and write an entire email proclaiming how life is meaningless without him. You could start him to worry about your mental stability. But a small little truth about it will go a long way. That's why I have posted the song The Woman In Me by Shania Twain because it talks about how sometimes you're not always as strong as you want to come off to be. Personally I have had some bad days when my husband is gone and when I go on FB and see all these other wives not even batting an eye that they're gone I feel even worse because I feel like I've failed as a wife. I'm not as strong as the other wives, and then I start to doubt myself that I can even stay married to my sailor. These are all completely honest thoughts I've had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Military wives out there: don't be afraid to acknowledge that you are struggling with your husband being gone or that you're having a bad day. It just means you're human. And who knows, maybe you'll find out a close friend is also struggling and you can band together to get through. There's no use in not admitting it because it will only get worse or make you feel worse when you see everyone else doing so "well". So here I go:
I am breaking my silence. I have been having a miserable time with this underway. I'm not sure why this underway is having this affect on me, but it is. I am lonely. I am often times depressed. I am frustrated that I see all these other wives doing so well or at least claiming they're so strong through this whole thing. I feel defective because of the previously stated reason. I'm tired of military wives putting on a good face for the world even though inside we're falling apart. I'm tired of the lies. Well it stops right here for me. If I am having a bad day, I'm going to say so. Do no think differently of me because I do, but only that I am human and that I do miss my husband. Yes I realize that tomorrow I will be better, but allow me to go through the stages of getting myself to that point, which starts off with admitting it and accepting it and realizing that it is normal. I do not feel there is any shame in that, so if there are any military wives out there reading this... please be honest. First with yourselves and then with your husband and with the rest of the world. We're not fooling anyone, especially our husbands. They know it's hard on us being so far apart. But if you don't admit it, then no one can help you cope and move on.
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