So a girl whom I've called my best friend for a couple years now has faded into the background. She was a toxic friend whom I recently deleted from my facebook. Upon discovering that she'd been deleted went on the defensive (which I don't blame her for) and proceeded to attack me via a message on facebook. Here's some background information on our "friendship":
*She's had 4 sugeries in the last 2 years. I have been to the first two. The last two I could not make because I had to work and couldn't take the day off of work (I did ask for the day off) because MY BOSS couldn't take the day off from her work so she could stay home with the kids. I offered my assistance for the entire weekend after each of the last two and was assured that I wasn't needed.
*She did come to my rescue when I had sudden pains in my side and rushed me to the hospital when it turned out I had kidney stones.
*For my birthday this past summer, I was going to have a Premier Jewelry party and she told me that she couldn't because she had pool that night with her club which said that her recreational pool was more important than her "best friend". When I called her out on it she admited it wasn't because of pool, it was because of financial reasons and she couldn't buy anything. Why didn't she just say that to begin with? Why did she need to lie? It was my birthday and I wasn't asking her to spend money, just quality girl time with me and some friends and enjoy my birthday. I ended up cancelling because of the drama.
*She was supposed to watch my 3 beagles while I was away for a friend's wedding I was IN, and bailed out on me a week before I was supposed to drop them off with her. It's not like she was going to do it for free; we were paying her, so that's not considered a favor in my opinion.
*During the summer she did care for my dogs while hubby and I were at work and could not let them out. Again, we paid her to do this.
Now I understand that people are busy, but my problem with this said "friend" was that her status' on FB were of going out, or being home at early hours because she got off of work so early, and of going out shopping on the weekends but when asked to hang out, she always said she was busy with work or that she had no money.
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU SPENT IT ALL SHOPPING!!!!!
I'm not saying she hasn't done things for me or been there for me, but the communication is off. She claims I haven't been in good communication with her and that it's been "ages" since I texted or called her. I never know what she's doing so in my own defense, I always text. And I have. Recently. I texted her last month about a personal triumph while in Chicago November 15th. That's less than a month ago. Since then I've asked if she wants to get together and never replies because she's sleeping since she gets home from work so early she can have a nice long 3 or 4 hour nap. Her reply to my last text from Chicago (more than an hour later) was "oh cool. sorry. I'm at pool and doing really well tonight!"
Notice how she makes everything about her???
Well not to sound ironic and bitchy, but what about me? Is this friendship all about you? She claims that my idea of friendship is all about favors. No. We paid you, so that's not a favor. A Favor is something you do for a friend for free. Yes you've been a good friend in the past, but I'm talking about the present. Right now. I have been through hell and back in the last couple of months dealing with a miscarriage and the death of my grandfather. She has lost her brother which I am not going to compare to because I can't imagine the pain of that, but because of that loss she should understand what I am going through right now and be able to lend some support or a shoulder to cry on. She's done neither. With my miscarriage or the death of my grandfather.
Yes good friendships can pick up where they left off no matter how long its been since they last talked, but you can't pick up where you left off if you don't communicate with me. I'm not saying I've been perfect in our friendship, but I mean after all I've been through all I'm looking for is ONE FRIEND who actually cares and calls and asks how I"M doing and genuinely listens and allows me to vent or cry or whatever. If she had done that just once, I wouldn't feel like I need to defend myself right now. Either way she's sent a nasty message to me and then blocked me from FB so I can't even defend myself against her and let her know why, thus I'm defending myself to you. But I mean, you tell me. Was I crazy to delete this girl? Am I the one who's wrong? Please tell me so I know if I'm crazy and have too high of standards or if I was right to want a better quality friendship.
*oh last minute detail: this is not the first time with this chic that I've asked for more communication or better quality in our friendship.
December 06, 2010
December 04, 2010
aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! that feels better :)
So I read this blog http://flipflopcombatboots.blogspot.com/2010/12/toxic-friends.html from http://flipflopcombatboots.blogspot.com . And it really got me thinking about the people I am "friends" with on Facebook. So I took her very sound advice and Detoxed my Facebook just now and I already feel better. My new philosophy is that if they are true friends and notice that we are no longer friends they will request my friendship again. If these persons don't notice, then maybe they never really cared at all in the first place.
Some of them were easy because they were people that were constantly dramatic and EMO in every status. Others were because they were simply women who had husbands on my hubby's ship. They were wives I had met maybe once or twice and we added each other as friends purely because our hubby's were on the same ship. But I'm sorry, these women never reached out to me to make an actually connection with me. We had no friendship, we had no conversations, we never got together. Many of these women were FRG board members. And to me, if you hold a position in the FRG, isn't it your job to reach out to the spouses to make them feel welcomed, and part of something? Doesn't that kind of CONNECTION infuse unity and support and the spouse wants to go to meetings and events and such? Some may say I never put myself out there to meet these women or leave myself open for the opportunity of a connection with these women. Well what I have to say to you is, I work. And I work hard. I may not work a lot of hours, but my job is very emotionally and physically draining. I work as a Nanny for a family of 4 boys. A 13 year old and a set of 7 year old TRIPLETTS! One of the triplets has Cerebral Palsey. He can't walk which means he can't get around and do a lot of the things a normal 7 year old can; which means I am lifting him up and down stairs, on and off a potty, changing him, bathing him, feeding him, doing HW with him ALL while still attending the 2 other 7 year olds (with HW, playtime, fights, and bathing) and keeping track of a 13 year old to make sure he's ACTUALLY doing HW. I also cook, clean, and do laundry for this family. So at the end of the day I am VERY tired and all I want to do is eat dinner with my hubby (if he's home) and just relax. On the weekends (when some FRG get togethers are scheduled) I have to clean my own house and do all the errands I didn't get a chance to do during the week. Now there's nothing wrong with the FRG women. They're all very nice. But they all tend to be married women, with or without children, who don't have jobs. So they can get together during the week or do their cleaning and errands during the week so that when FRG get togethers are schedule they're able to go. I'm sorry but my schedule just doesn't work with that. So I have opened myself up to them; for the opportunity of some friendships from them. I just have a crazy schedule and it's hard to form friendships when schedules are opposites. So I decided that since none of them reached out to me on Facebook after over a year of being friends with them, I deleted them. Call me harsh or a bitch, but in my last post I said what I've been needing to say to many of my so-called friends:
"I want back the same that I give in a friendship: 100% genuine caring."
That's just the kind of person I am and I'm tired of having low standards and being treated with few and far between hi's and hello's. I am a person. With feelings and a huge heart. I put my whole heart into a friendship and I DESERVE the same back. I understand people are busy. I am too. I get that. But when you have time on your hands and you call me a "friend" even though you haven't spoken to me in weeks, I don't call that a friendship. I DESERVE better than that. So from today on, maybe I will be more picky about who I call a friend and who I don't. Either way, I already feel better about who I have kept as friends because they're not just friends in my eyes; I consider them family.
Some of them were easy because they were people that were constantly dramatic and EMO in every status. Others were because they were simply women who had husbands on my hubby's ship. They were wives I had met maybe once or twice and we added each other as friends purely because our hubby's were on the same ship. But I'm sorry, these women never reached out to me to make an actually connection with me. We had no friendship, we had no conversations, we never got together. Many of these women were FRG board members. And to me, if you hold a position in the FRG, isn't it your job to reach out to the spouses to make them feel welcomed, and part of something? Doesn't that kind of CONNECTION infuse unity and support and the spouse wants to go to meetings and events and such? Some may say I never put myself out there to meet these women or leave myself open for the opportunity of a connection with these women. Well what I have to say to you is, I work. And I work hard. I may not work a lot of hours, but my job is very emotionally and physically draining. I work as a Nanny for a family of 4 boys. A 13 year old and a set of 7 year old TRIPLETTS! One of the triplets has Cerebral Palsey. He can't walk which means he can't get around and do a lot of the things a normal 7 year old can; which means I am lifting him up and down stairs, on and off a potty, changing him, bathing him, feeding him, doing HW with him ALL while still attending the 2 other 7 year olds (with HW, playtime, fights, and bathing) and keeping track of a 13 year old to make sure he's ACTUALLY doing HW. I also cook, clean, and do laundry for this family. So at the end of the day I am VERY tired and all I want to do is eat dinner with my hubby (if he's home) and just relax. On the weekends (when some FRG get togethers are scheduled) I have to clean my own house and do all the errands I didn't get a chance to do during the week. Now there's nothing wrong with the FRG women. They're all very nice. But they all tend to be married women, with or without children, who don't have jobs. So they can get together during the week or do their cleaning and errands during the week so that when FRG get togethers are schedule they're able to go. I'm sorry but my schedule just doesn't work with that. So I have opened myself up to them; for the opportunity of some friendships from them. I just have a crazy schedule and it's hard to form friendships when schedules are opposites. So I decided that since none of them reached out to me on Facebook after over a year of being friends with them, I deleted them. Call me harsh or a bitch, but in my last post I said what I've been needing to say to many of my so-called friends:
"I want back the same that I give in a friendship: 100% genuine caring."
That's just the kind of person I am and I'm tired of having low standards and being treated with few and far between hi's and hello's. I am a person. With feelings and a huge heart. I put my whole heart into a friendship and I DESERVE the same back. I understand people are busy. I am too. I get that. But when you have time on your hands and you call me a "friend" even though you haven't spoken to me in weeks, I don't call that a friendship. I DESERVE better than that. So from today on, maybe I will be more picky about who I call a friend and who I don't. Either way, I already feel better about who I have kept as friends because they're not just friends in my eyes; I consider them family.
December 03, 2010
struggles, emotions and searching
I struggle everyday. Work is fine, there are mini problems but nothing that isn't normal for 7 year olds in terms of behavorial development.
It's on the infertility front and the loneliness front. Two friends have come out and announced pregnancies. Both are only at about 4 weeks along. While I am very happy for these people, I also feel jealousy that they're pregnant and I'm not as well as fear that it won't ever happen for hubby and me.
Right now my doc only has me on 500mg of Metformin. As in NOT paired with anything else. I feel like I'm just at a stand still in my quest to have a baby. Because my husband is military, we have TriCare as our health insurance and my doctor has me on Metformin so that when we are referred to a "specialist" they'll see we've already tried it and hopefully just start off with the next step. I feel that only 500mg is not enough and that I should be taking more to possibly increase my chance even just a little bit since I am ONLY on Metformin. But when I asked my doc firmly said no. So I feel like even though I'm taking this medication, I'm essentially not doing ANYTHING to help my chances of having a baby.
The timing of everything isn't help hubby and I out either. My husband and I have been trying since July 2009, but our docs are going according to when I told her which was December 2009. So our year of trying is up this month. The problem is that my husband leaves on a 6 to 9 month deployment in January. Obviously that does NOT give us enough time to be referred to a "specialist" let alone to start a new treatment option.
I guess I'm just hating the waiting game that i'm in right now. I have to put all of this on hold because hubby is going to be gone for so long. So at this point I'm feeling pretty hopeless in our baby efforts. I'm not saying we'll give up but I just am jealous of the recent announcements of pregnancies while facing our seemingly forever-long wait until we can even get in to a "specialist" to start something new.
And of course I still am wishing that the quality of friends was better than what I feel like I have here. I am missing my family because they are truly amazing in the support they show me from even as far away as they are. There are really only two girls I consider best friends that I would share all of my struggles with. But one of them has yet to reach out to me to even say hi in the last 4 weeks! She calls me her best friend and yet she does nothing to just say hi. So I am done reaching out to her. I want to get back what I give into a friendship; that caring and constant support whether blatant or silent support. The other friend I see very rarely because she works long hours and many days a week and with my schedule we are rarely free at the same time. So her I am more understanding of. I just want a friend who will actually CARE. You can talk the talk about how much you care but unless you SHOW me that you care by being pro-active in our friendship, then I'm sorry I'm going to say that you don't really care about me or our friendship.
Is it so hard to ask for a REAL friend who cares and who will actually support me when I need it? And is it so hard to ask for a doctor who is willing to help me out just a little on this seemingly hopeless timeline? Is it really that horrible to just increase my dosage by just another 500mg?? Most women are on 1500mg a day! And I'm only on a 500mg a day???? I guess i just want to get going and feel like I am pro-active in my own fertility plan, ya know???
Frustrated. Feeling lonely. Jealou. Fearful. And many more emotions. Any advice???
It's on the infertility front and the loneliness front. Two friends have come out and announced pregnancies. Both are only at about 4 weeks along. While I am very happy for these people, I also feel jealousy that they're pregnant and I'm not as well as fear that it won't ever happen for hubby and me.
Right now my doc only has me on 500mg of Metformin. As in NOT paired with anything else. I feel like I'm just at a stand still in my quest to have a baby. Because my husband is military, we have TriCare as our health insurance and my doctor has me on Metformin so that when we are referred to a "specialist" they'll see we've already tried it and hopefully just start off with the next step. I feel that only 500mg is not enough and that I should be taking more to possibly increase my chance even just a little bit since I am ONLY on Metformin. But when I asked my doc firmly said no. So I feel like even though I'm taking this medication, I'm essentially not doing ANYTHING to help my chances of having a baby.
The timing of everything isn't help hubby and I out either. My husband and I have been trying since July 2009, but our docs are going according to when I told her which was December 2009. So our year of trying is up this month. The problem is that my husband leaves on a 6 to 9 month deployment in January. Obviously that does NOT give us enough time to be referred to a "specialist" let alone to start a new treatment option.
I guess I'm just hating the waiting game that i'm in right now. I have to put all of this on hold because hubby is going to be gone for so long. So at this point I'm feeling pretty hopeless in our baby efforts. I'm not saying we'll give up but I just am jealous of the recent announcements of pregnancies while facing our seemingly forever-long wait until we can even get in to a "specialist" to start something new.
And of course I still am wishing that the quality of friends was better than what I feel like I have here. I am missing my family because they are truly amazing in the support they show me from even as far away as they are. There are really only two girls I consider best friends that I would share all of my struggles with. But one of them has yet to reach out to me to even say hi in the last 4 weeks! She calls me her best friend and yet she does nothing to just say hi. So I am done reaching out to her. I want to get back what I give into a friendship; that caring and constant support whether blatant or silent support. The other friend I see very rarely because she works long hours and many days a week and with my schedule we are rarely free at the same time. So her I am more understanding of. I just want a friend who will actually CARE. You can talk the talk about how much you care but unless you SHOW me that you care by being pro-active in our friendship, then I'm sorry I'm going to say that you don't really care about me or our friendship.
Is it so hard to ask for a REAL friend who cares and who will actually support me when I need it? And is it so hard to ask for a doctor who is willing to help me out just a little on this seemingly hopeless timeline? Is it really that horrible to just increase my dosage by just another 500mg?? Most women are on 1500mg a day! And I'm only on a 500mg a day???? I guess i just want to get going and feel like I am pro-active in my own fertility plan, ya know???
Frustrated. Feeling lonely. Jealou. Fearful. And many more emotions. Any advice???
November 22, 2010
Nothing I can do
After these last 5 weeks, I've realized how much of my family's lives I'm missing. My grandfather passed away last week and as I attended his funeral this past weekend, I felt like there were so many people that I want to be there for through things like this and I can't because of multiple factors in my life. For example:
I never got to see my grandfather while he was ill or tell him I loved him one last time before he died.
My father is due to have surgery next month and I won't be able to be there for him and help out.
I barely talk to my sister so there are things going on in her life that I never knew about.
After everything that has happened, all I want to do is be close to family; to be there for theml, to support them, and show love to them whenever I can. Living where I am, I cannot do that. Don't misunderstand. I would never leave my husband or the household we've created together. But I just wish I had more flexibility in my life to be able to go see them and spend time with them when they need help or something.
I guess the other thing is that I'm just tired. Tired from working, tired from all the flying we've been doing, and tired of so-called "friends" saying they'll help us out and then either bail or never keep their word. I'm starting to feel VERY alone again.
My hubby has an upcoming underway and then a full-fledge deployment after that. If things don't start improving soon, that deployment is going to be the most miserable months of my entire life. And apparently there's noting I can do about it. I can't force people to hang out with me, or to stop lying and being bitches, or to even just be my friend. And anyone who IS a true friend to me live hundreds of miles away so it doesn't really help my situation. So what is there for me to do but sit at home and wait and be miserable? Nothing.
I never got to see my grandfather while he was ill or tell him I loved him one last time before he died.
My father is due to have surgery next month and I won't be able to be there for him and help out.
I barely talk to my sister so there are things going on in her life that I never knew about.
After everything that has happened, all I want to do is be close to family; to be there for theml, to support them, and show love to them whenever I can. Living where I am, I cannot do that. Don't misunderstand. I would never leave my husband or the household we've created together. But I just wish I had more flexibility in my life to be able to go see them and spend time with them when they need help or something.
I guess the other thing is that I'm just tired. Tired from working, tired from all the flying we've been doing, and tired of so-called "friends" saying they'll help us out and then either bail or never keep their word. I'm starting to feel VERY alone again.
My hubby has an upcoming underway and then a full-fledge deployment after that. If things don't start improving soon, that deployment is going to be the most miserable months of my entire life. And apparently there's noting I can do about it. I can't force people to hang out with me, or to stop lying and being bitches, or to even just be my friend. And anyone who IS a true friend to me live hundreds of miles away so it doesn't really help my situation. So what is there for me to do but sit at home and wait and be miserable? Nothing.
November 18, 2010
For Me
Before anyone reads this there is a disclaimer. This letter/ blog I am about to write is for me, my sanity, my own grieving process, and just to get things off my chest.
Dear Grandpa,
On Saturday we will burry you. A man, who was tough as nails, yet always treated his 6 granddaughters like princesses. A man, who was brave enough to quit smoking cold turkey and actually NEVER picked up another cigarette. A man, whom we (my sister and I) describe as a burnt marshmellow: crusty on the outside, but a huge softy on the inside.
I miss you terribly already. Even though this past year you've been sick feels like a dream to me, I know you are gone in my head, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. When you were diagnosed in Feb of this year I knew there was a long and bumpy road ahead of you. But I knew you had the strength to make it through and would probably only struggle with this cancer for a couple of years. But, unfortunetly, I was wrong. As the cancer spread throughout your body, you grew weaker, losing weight everyday, pain increasing everyday, and doctors trying desperately to fix their past mistakes of missing a tumor or two. While I am angry at those doctors for not being thorough, I am glad that they were there to help you during this time. They were able to keep you comfortable in those last days and for that I can't say thank you enough.
I struggle with guilt that I never got to go see you while you were sick so I could show you how much I loved you and that we supported you. I know you understood why I couldn't be there, but I hate that I didn't get to hug you and say I love you one last time. I know that it is probably for the best that I was spared from seeing you in pain and in the hospital or just as frail as everyone tells me you were. But I just want to say I'm sorry I couldn't be there and that I WANTED to be there so bad.
I am glad you feel no pain now and that you are happier where you are. Just know that you were loved by the many people in your life. Know that we all miss your great big bear hugs, your endless teasing and your constant hard exterior even though we all knew the softy you were on the inside. We all miss you, Grandpa. You will never be forgotten and I can't wait for the day that I will see you again to hug you and say I love you.
Rest In Piece Bryce Foster, beloved son, father, brother, grandfather and crusty burnt marshmellow of a man. We love you.
Forever Your Granddaughter,
K
Dear Grandpa,
On Saturday we will burry you. A man, who was tough as nails, yet always treated his 6 granddaughters like princesses. A man, who was brave enough to quit smoking cold turkey and actually NEVER picked up another cigarette. A man, whom we (my sister and I) describe as a burnt marshmellow: crusty on the outside, but a huge softy on the inside.
I miss you terribly already. Even though this past year you've been sick feels like a dream to me, I know you are gone in my head, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. When you were diagnosed in Feb of this year I knew there was a long and bumpy road ahead of you. But I knew you had the strength to make it through and would probably only struggle with this cancer for a couple of years. But, unfortunetly, I was wrong. As the cancer spread throughout your body, you grew weaker, losing weight everyday, pain increasing everyday, and doctors trying desperately to fix their past mistakes of missing a tumor or two. While I am angry at those doctors for not being thorough, I am glad that they were there to help you during this time. They were able to keep you comfortable in those last days and for that I can't say thank you enough.
I struggle with guilt that I never got to go see you while you were sick so I could show you how much I loved you and that we supported you. I know you understood why I couldn't be there, but I hate that I didn't get to hug you and say I love you one last time. I know that it is probably for the best that I was spared from seeing you in pain and in the hospital or just as frail as everyone tells me you were. But I just want to say I'm sorry I couldn't be there and that I WANTED to be there so bad.
I am glad you feel no pain now and that you are happier where you are. Just know that you were loved by the many people in your life. Know that we all miss your great big bear hugs, your endless teasing and your constant hard exterior even though we all knew the softy you were on the inside. We all miss you, Grandpa. You will never be forgotten and I can't wait for the day that I will see you again to hug you and say I love you.
Rest In Piece Bryce Foster, beloved son, father, brother, grandfather and crusty burnt marshmellow of a man. We love you.
Forever Your Granddaughter,
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)