When do I not?!

Worry. I am my mother's daughter. I worry about everything. Maybe it's because I'm a complete control freak but I worry. My husband is deployed on the USS Enterprise and I found out today that a sailor died today and that NOK was already notified, but the first thing that ran through my head was... "I haven't heard from him in days... oh my god." I know that I was never contacted so it wasn't him, but it hits home you know? What if he knew this sailor? What if it was a friend of his? How is he taking it? I feel so badly that I can't talk to him to make sure he's okay. And of course we had a fight this past weekend so that made me freak out jsut a little more. I jsut want to hear from him so I know he's okay.

In other news: I had my results meeting with Dr. S today even though I didn't meet with him, I met with one of his residents. Either way, i got the results of my HSG test. Everything looks decently normal; I def have PCOS, my tubes and uterus is clear and open, there's some scarring on my uterus but she didn't seem horribly concerned over that so I didn't freak out over it. The other thing she said was my uterus and/or cervix was tipped to the left. When I've always heard of women who have tilted uterus' (uteri???) it's usually that it's tilted backwards. I'm to the left. I mean it explains why my paps have always been "uncomfortable". Either way, she said things look pretty normal; nothing that would interfere with us having a baby.

I did get a prescription for progesterone so that if I am not having a period naturally, I can essentially force myself to have one and get sort of regular. This is will also help because I also got a prescription for chlomid. But I wont' start the chlomid obviously until my hubby returns. So the plan is to use the progesterone until hubby returns, then take the chlomid when I'm supposed to, and then go in for ultrasounds and when I ovulate, do an IUI. This would be our first ever REAL procedure. So far we've only been on pills and trying on our own au naturale. This will be the first assisted attempt. Of course, being the worry wart I am, I have concerns especially with my job and the timing of everything with hubby being here and all. I jsut want everything to go smoothly, even if it isn't a successful cycle, I jsut want things to run smoothly so that I dont' have to quit my job over this or anything. anyways, it's late and I still need to email my husband and hopefully he'll answer soon.

Day 8: a picture that makes you laugh

Now you must understand that this was a trip to my parent's house and it was the first time we had driven the 12 hours home for the holidays with all 3 of our dogs. My mother insisted that the dogs were NOT allowed to be on the couches. Well... you can see how that turned out! (notice my mother is sitting next to my dog on the couch and NOT shoo-ing her off)

Day 7: a Picture of my most treasured item

I may not be an Apple person or an iPod person (I used to have an iPod) but I have switched to a Zune because I can get more space and technology for the same amount. It plays my music and thats all it really has to do. So thats why I love it so much.

day 6: A person I'd love to trade places with

Not just be pregnant, but to have the end result: a happy, healthy, beautiful baby.

Day 5: a picture of my favorite memory

It's not neccessarily this event in my life, but any memory with me and grandfather. He recently passed away so he's what I think about a lot. I miss you Grandpa. I will always love you.

a picture is worth...

..... a thousand smiles! My husband is a Nuke on the USS Enterprise and they had a picnic yesterday on the ship to boost morale and give the guys something fun to do. AND OF COURSE! my hubby had to be on watch and missed the whole damn thing. But because he had watch, he got to eat first. And surprisingly, his picture was taken while in the chow line and it was posted to the ship's FB page, so I saved it so I could send friends and family the picture. So the guy in the middle of the line wearing sunglasses and a fork in his mouth is my husband!

my fault?

So Today was Ash Wednesday. The first day of Lent. I asked my boss if I could get out right at 6pm tonight so I could make it to church on time. That was the plan anyways. All 3 of the triplets were sick and I ran around town picking them all up from school...

*Warning* This is about to get gross and graphic!



... Once I got them all home, the throwing up began. Of course being the Nanny, I'm the one who's always with them when they're sick. I pick them up from school. I clean up after them. I try to console them when all they want is their mother and nothing I ever do is good enough because I'm not Mom. It becomes a very stressful situation very quickly. Not to mention one of the triplets has cerebral palsey and he can't adequately explain to you that his stomach is upset or that he's about to throw up. So short of following him around with a bucket under his chin, I basically have to just wait for him to throw up on something or himself and then clean it up. And also because of his disability he becomes very emotional and goes to the extreme end of whatever emotion he's feeling. So in this case it was outright anger because he jsut wanted his mom there to make him feel better. Then it turned to utter saddness because his mom wasn't there and he "needed" her. I understand that I can never (nor do I want to) replace his mother, but she's busy and I am trying my hardest. So in addition to keeping track of 3 vomitting 7 year olds, I disinfected major areas of the house and pulled their bedsheets off to wash them. I also put them in the bath (separatly) to hopefully make them feel better. On top of all the vile smells and heartfelt sympathies to the kids, I missed a phone call from my husband. That made me feel like vomitting myself. Though I didn't, I was thoroughly depressed because it is so rare that I get to hear from him and I missed it! But none of that compared to when my boss' husband got home and was upset by the fact that his wife (my boss) had previously discussed that they would both ensure that I could go to Ash Wednesday church tonight. Well, when the boys got sick and then my boss got called into her boss' office for a quick meeting, she didn't get home on time. I was not upset that I couldn't go. I mean this is my job. If I am needed at my job, I am there. It's what I get paid to do: to help them make their life run smoother. So I stayed later since my boss had my care anyways (we switch because his wheelchair doesn't fit in my car). But the thing that tops it off is that my boss said "when you have something you need to be at after work, send me a reminder text next time.". Hearing that made me feel like it was my fault because I didn't send her a reminder text. I would have except I felt that doing so would have made her feel like I didn't value my job, or that it wasn't important especially with everything going on. I thought she'd appreciate that I stayed and made a sacrafice for her family. I mean, there will be other Ash Wednesdays in my lifetime. But this is my job. I take that very seriously. And now I feel like I've been blamed for this whole mess of not making it to a church service.

I don't know what to do anymore. I work to keep my mind off of missing my husband. My work causes me lots of stress because of the demands of the family. I don't have a lot of girlfriends to talk to. I feel very alone. I really would have loved to have heard my husbands voice today. I love him so much and he understands me so well. Am I coping with this deployment as well as I should be? I don't know anymore. I feel very lonely, stressed, frustrated and depressed. But I don't know what to do about it. I can't stop thinking about how much longer I have to get through and my heart starts aching. Like right now.

Day 4...

..... a picture of my night

well most of my nights include these 3 things:




well... without the naked part.

!@?*&$#!

I think I might curse, cry and punch something all at the same time!

I have been working on an email with a bunch of links involved for the last 2 hours and I hit the back button in the wrong browser and lost it ALL!

(background info: My sis and I have decided that we're going to live closer because the distance between us right now is just too far and we don't like it. So I've been looking for houses for her and for hubby and I in different cities that would work for everyone involved. The last 2 hours worth of online house shopping with links, and explainations and pictures and everything... gone.)


All I can say is:

FUCK. MY. LIFE.