Still.... and more.....

So Today I blew off the soccer games the kids I nanny for were in. I said that I might make it, but after my day from hell yesterday I downed some wine and just went to bed and stayed in bed until 10:30. Then I actually showered and got dressed, met a lady at the NEX to give her this bottle she needed and then head back home. After that I hung around for a bit and then went out to dinner with my friend M. We went to a place called Still. It's a tappas place. I'd never been to one before so it was nice to try something new, but also to just get out of the house. I didn't tell her about the miscarriage. It hurts so bad to just think about it let alone tell someone about it. I feel like that maybe if I say it out loud to someone, then it'll be real and I guess I jsut want to believe the doctor was wrong and that this isn't happening to me and that I'm still pregnant. My head knows I'm not, but my heart doesn't want to let it go. Hubby called me today and I bawled my eyes out. Just talking about everything that's happened this week. Our families still don't know. My mom flew home today from IL where she was helping my grandfather with his cancer treatments. Hubby's family was in NC celebrating two special birthdays; Grandma's 80th and Great Aunt Kathryn's 100th. So I feel like they all have so much going on already that telling them would be a big inconvenience to them. Or that I'll get the dreaded "if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't your time" or "you have plenty of time to have a family". Hearing those things after losing a baby does NOT make me feel any better and actually make me resent you for saying them because you OBVIOUSLY have no idea what its like to go through this. I guess that's why I've avoided telling a lot of people. Most of the people we hang out with are single or young and married. They're people who are nice and wonderful friends, but they have no idea how to react when put in a situation like us telling them about a miscarriage. I'm not saying they should know how, I guess I'm just trying to explain that I want to spare the awkwardness by not sharing in the first place. But family. I wish my family, specifically, would step up to the plate a little more and be supportive of me and tell me its okay to grieve, cry and be angry. After all that's said and done, then you can give me words of encouragement of trying again and how i'm still young and have plenty of time. But until then, keep it to simple sayings like "i'm here for you" or "i'm so sorry" or "come cry on my shoulder" types. I just wish I could talk to someone about it because even though I have friends, I feel like they just wouldn't understand or know how to be supportive in the right way.

But back to my original post subject... M. took me out and I ate some great food and drank alcohol because at this point I'm in the mindset of "what's the fucking point?" I hope to take hubby to Still someday because the food was really great. And it was nice to get out. The whole time my heart hurt because it took all my will power to not think about the baby I lost during our entire night out. But I put on my smile and faked it. Maybe I'm a good actor because I don't think M. knew a thing. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I know I'm just glad I didn't burst into tears as I saw the baby sleeping in a stroller on the way out of the restaurant.

FML

miscarriage at 6 weeks and 4 days. Husband gone for both announcement of pregnancy and now ending of pregnancy. Waited 2 hours in the waiting room at the doctors office to hear the offical word. We didn't tell any family yet so I have no one to talk to. My Grandfather is dying of cancer. SO MUCH SHIT TO DO before hubby actually does geet to come home. What else could be thrown on my plate right now?! seriously need to dig a hole and not come out for as long as needed.

MilSpouse Friday Fill In!

1. Are you a night owl or an early bird?
I am actually an early bird.

2. What makes you jealous?
other people's financial situations and ability to have children

3. Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? {There’s only 63 days left!}
I have started Christmas Shopping and I think I might actually be done BEFORE Thanksgiving.

4. What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
some type of fish that tastes absolutely amazing with some beautiful summer veggies medly with squash, zucchini and such.

5. Where was your first kiss?
I think it was in elementary school on the playground. I was in like 5th or 6th grade and I just walked up to the boy and kissed him and then ran away... AHAHAHAHA! i'm such a dork.

Reality hurts

My Grandfather is dying. He has cancer. He was only diagnosed Feb. of this year. I have not seen him since August 2009. He most likely won't make to Christmas 2011. He'll have this year but most of next year is up in the air. I am not writing this to you all because I want pity. This is my online journal where I can express myself and I find myself needing to vent or cry or just type it all out. I feel badly that I haven't seen him in so long, but financial issues have become problematic when it comes to airplane ticket prices to get out there to see him. I've spoken to family members who have seen him (ones that will actually tell me like it is) and say he's only the shell of the man that we once knew. This saddens me so much. I can remember all the times we've laughed together and he's teased me endlessly. My sister and I always used to describe him as a crusty marshmellow. He's old and burnt and crusty on the outside, but on the inside he's a big hunk of goo. And if you knew my Grandfather, you'd know that is the perfect description of him. Now that he is ill, he apparently doesn't have his same spirit. He's lost weight, doesn't eat much, doesn't walk well and is still undergoing chemotherapy and radiation which leaves him weak and in pain so most of the time he's on pain medication and sleeping. I have this great desire to see him alive one last time but don't have the money right now. We jsut can't afford it. This breaks my heart because I feel like I'm the ONLY grandchild who hasn't seen him since he was diagnosed. I feel guilty about it too. And I know anyone in my family that I tell that to will say ,"but everyone understands, you do what you have to". But it jsut doesn't feel right to me. I guess I just dont' want the next time I see him to be at his funeral. I will feel like I failed to see him when everyone else made it. God I sound so selfish just now! I'm worried about how I'd feel if he passes! He's dying! God I'm horrible! He's dying and I'm worried about me! ugh... sometimes I don't understand myself. I do want to see him because he's my grandfather and I would like to see him before he passes,but I don't want to make it a selfish thing. I want to see him. He's my grandfather and I love him. I jsut wish we had the means to fly to see him. I hate that my husband isnt' home right now. I could really use a shoulder to cry on because for the first time since I heard he had cancer, it is really sinking in as reality right now. :(

Waiting...

... SUCKS!!!!


Ugh! It seems like everything we have to do in this life we have to wait for first! We have to wait until we're 16 to drive a car, 21 to drink alcohol, etc. For me, I'm waiting to see if I'm preggo or not but also waiting on a phone call from hubby who's out to sea right now. I hate waiting. It's annoying and it gets me thinking and sometimes it really is bad to let me think. So now I am trying to occupy my mind with something else and keep me busy while I wait to talk to hubby, and wait until Friday for my docs appointment. any suggestions????

MilSpouse Friday Fill In

1. What are some things on your bucket list?
Go back to school, have a baby, own my own child car facility, go on a cruise, etc

2. How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far?
3 years and we've only been stationed here in VA, but I think he's looking to transfer soon.

3. What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far?
um... there are a couple that come close, but nothing major though.

4. What is your favorite kind of pizza?
Cheese, or chicken with onions and mushrooms

5. What are three good things in your life right now?
My job, my husband, and the support of my family

No Beuno

Today was not a good day. I'm still sick. At least this cold is no longer making me feel pressure under and around my eyes making my eyes feel like they're going to burst out of their sockets. But now it has moved to my throat where I currently have a crazy sore throat and a cough like an old man whose smoked for 50 years. And to top it all off, after seeing an email from hubby pop up on my BB, I read it and am instantly crushed. Not all of it was bad but I just can't get over this one part. He talks about how he feels no joy working where he does anymore and even says this....


"I really couldn’t even get excited about being another day closer to seeing you"


That killed me! The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I'm one day closer to having him home again and he tells me that! I'm so hurt and upset by it that I couldn't respond. I don't know what to say to that! I don't know how to react to that! I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm dealing with everything, but the one thing that keeps a smile on my face to the rest of the world is knowing that my husband loves me and that he can't wait to see me again and that he's itching to see me as bas as I am wanting to see him. But apparently not. I just want to cry.

The Woman In Me

The Woman In Me - Shania Twain

I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on

The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you

When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face

The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you

Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you

I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...






You know, sometimes as military wives we feel like we are stronger than steel and that we are invincible. Especially when our men are gone. We feel the obligation to be stronger than The Hulk just so that our loved one isn't burdened by our loneliness or our sadness of missing them. But in truth, we all are dying a little inside when we wake up and there isn't an email waiting for us, or when it's two hours past the time he said he'd call. Yes we are going through what most women can't or refuse to deal with. We are extrodinary. But we are HUMAN. We have emotions. We have low points. Sometimes I see posts on FB explaining how a military wife is so strong and how she is coping so well with the seperation, but inside I'm thinking, "Man... is she high or something?". Personally I don't think it's possible to NOT miss them when they're gone. Whether you show that or not is your own opinion. But personally I think we should speak our true feelings about how we cope with the seperation, because once we start lying to ourselves about how well we're doing or how well we're not doing, we start lying to our guys. Yes I understand it is important to not burden our deployed loved ones with guilt that they are gone. Obviously they had no choice in the matter. But don't go on and on about how great you're doing to him while you're dying inside. Sometimes it is good for a couple to be honest with each other about how much you miss them or if you are struggling to get a grip. Often times they'll surprise you and give great advice on how to cope, or admit that they too are struggling. If they say they're struggling too... then you won't feel so alone in loneliness because you know he is going through it too. Obviously, I am not suggesting you go out and write an entire email proclaiming how life is meaningless without him. You could start him to worry about your mental stability. But a small little truth about it will go a long way. That's why I have posted the song The Woman In Me by Shania Twain because it talks about how sometimes you're not always as strong as you want to come off to be. Personally I have had some bad days when my husband is gone and when I go on FB and see all these other wives not even batting an eye that they're gone I feel even worse because I feel like I've failed as a wife. I'm not as strong as the other wives, and then I start to doubt myself that I can even stay married to my sailor. These are all completely honest thoughts I've had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Military wives out there: don't be afraid to acknowledge that you are struggling with your husband being gone or that you're having a bad day. It just means you're human. And who knows, maybe you'll find out a close friend is also struggling and you can band together to get through. There's no use in not admitting it because it will only get worse or make you feel worse when you see everyone else doing so "well". So here I go:

I am breaking my silence. I have been having a miserable time with this underway. I'm not sure why this underway is having this affect on me, but it is. I am lonely. I am often times depressed. I am frustrated that I see all these other wives doing so well or at least claiming they're so strong through this whole thing. I feel defective because of the previously stated reason. I'm tired of military wives putting on a good face for the world even though inside we're falling apart. I'm tired of the lies. Well it stops right here for me. If I am having a bad day, I'm going to say so. Do no think differently of me because I do, but only that I am human and that I do miss my husband. Yes I realize that tomorrow I will be better, but allow me to go through the stages of getting myself to that point, which starts off with admitting it and accepting it and realizing that it is normal. I do not feel there is any shame in that, so if there are any military wives out there reading this... please be honest. First with yourselves and then with your husband and with the rest of the world. We're not fooling anyone, especially our husbands. They know it's hard on us being so far apart. But if you don't admit it, then no one can help you cope and move on.

So I "liked" a page on FB today and I found this picture of The Navy Wife's Prayer and I couldn't help but start to cry because it is beautifully written, expressed exactly how I feel currently and exactly how I need to pray and keep my life in check when hubby is gone. Here's the link to the page for those of you who have FB:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hooyah-Spouses/165272040150643?v=wall#!/photo.php?fbid=165392553471925&set=a.165273950150452.40359.165272040150643&pid=560133&id=165272040150643

FIRST MilSpouse Friday Fill In!

Hey! My first MilSpouse Friday Fill In! I'm hoping to get into the habit of responding to these! enjoy!

1. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken?
The longest trip I've every take was driving in a car with my parents and two best friends in middle school down to Tullahoma, TN. Of course being the country fans we are we went to Nashville first and then on to our destination. The longest trip I've ever made with my hubby is one we actually somewhat often. We live in VA and our families live in New England, so occasionally we'll drive up the 10 to 12 hour drive to see them. We never stay anywhere overnight or anything. We just do it all in one stretch, switching drivers of course when needed. But its nice to just drive through all those states together and talk.

2. Do you collect anything? Tell us a bit about it.
As a kid I collected sea shells, but I have no added to it in recent years. But I must say I have quite the collection and it is a beautiful one at that! Most of the shells I have come from different coasts, west and east and even come carribean coasts and even the Gulf of Mexico. (I've been very lucky in the places I've been able to travel)

3. What is your favorite part about being an adult?
I would have to say choosing what I want to do and actually getting to do it without feeling pressure to do something else from a parent or something. I guess the other thing would be living on my own (well not when hubby is actually home, but thats not very often anymore lol) and getting to chose when to do things and how to do things and do them at my own pace and not getting flack for it!

4. What song brings a tear to your eye?
TOO MANY to list!!!! But here's a couple "When you're gone" Avril Lavigne, "Just a dream" Carrie Underwood, "Come What May" Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, "Even if I wanted to" Jason aldean, "Letters from Home" John Michael Montgomery, "EVerytime I hear your name" Keith Anderson, "Asphalt Cowboy" Jason Aldean, "You save me" Kenny Chesney, "Far Away" Nickleback, "The woman in Me" Shania Twain, "Come Home Soon" SheDaisy , "Stay" Sugarland... and like I said that's only a handful of them....

5. Describe your first plane ride (how old you were, where you were heading, etc).
I actually don't remember my VERY first place ride. I was very little, under a year old, and my mom, sister and I were going to IL to see some extended family. I've been on a plane so many time I'm not sure I can tell you which one was the first time I actually remember. Those rides seemed unmemorable that I can only remember the ones that either went wrong or were actually interesting to me.

Stressed...

So after blogging about how I thought I was pregnant and how I didn't think I could wait 19 days totally came true. I couldnt' wait and took a test this morning. And it came out as BFN which of course does not surprise anyone, but you know... I wanted it to be a BFP so bad. So that started me off on a kinda of bad mood. And I was late to work this morning, not by much, but too much by my standards. I had to take O. to therapy this morning and afterwards taking him to school I hit crazy traffic and he was almost late! Came home and found MORE mushroom things in the backyard I had to dig up. I'm crazy tired because I woke up in the middle of the night to pee AGAIN! AND about an hour later to throw up. I must have eaten something crazy... maybe too much sugar or too many things with eggs in it. And then of course I needed to get up for work in like 3.5 hours after that! Ugh! Super tired today. And I found out I can't have this one day off because my boss is maxed out on her vacation days, which I completely understand, but my hubby's side of the family is having an informal get-together for some important birthday moments. With the hubs gone, I thought it would be nice if I showed up and took pictures and then showed him for when he returned. His Gma is turning 80 and his great aunt or cousin or something turns 100! So it's this big to-do and I can't go. Like I said, I understand, but it would have been really nice if I was able to make it.


ugh. again.


now I have to go look up how to prevent mushrooms from growing in my backyard....

Retail Therapy

... is just what the doctor ordered!

YES! It is only the second day hubs has been gone and I went for some retail therapy. They are redoing the NEX and making it bigger , even adding a second floor, and I went and spent 2 hours there. I got some leggings and sweater dresses (yes I am jumping on the trendy band wagon) and I got brown boots since my last ones died. I also got some goodies for the hubs to send him. Even though this underway is short than the last, he convienently forgot some things and I had to send it to him today. Of course, not before I bought some more goodies for him and the guys to share! :) I love spoiling him and the guys he works with. :) Anyways, I also bought myself a new winter coat! It's one of those ones that looks like the Navy peacoat. I could never own one before because usually they're made out of 100% wool and guess who's allergic to wool? moi!!!! how annoying?! But I found one today with a lining in it and the actually coat was only like 50% wool. I figure I can handle that. It's a winter coat and it's lined and I'll usually be wearing long sleeves and scarves and such with it protect my skin from starting to itch. So I spent a good amount at the NEX today. good thing part os hubs bonus came in earlier this month! lol

anyways, other than that, today was pretty much a normal boring day. My dog has been having an allergic reaction to something and we're pretty sure it's the mushrooms that are growing in our backyard. So at DUSK when I notice said mushrooms, I go out back with a shovel and trash bag to remove the mushrooms. God, I hope my dogs realize how much I love them and appreciate the things I do for them! ugh... it was getting dark and hard to see the little things!

I'm trying hard not to think about it, but my period is late (even though I'm not really regular by any means) but I'm on Metformin right now. I bled for a week which I'm assuming was my period right before hubs came home from the last underway (Sept 7th) but then I started bleeding again the 21st. Thought it might be implantation bleeding but it started to get heavy and it lasted a full week so I assumed it wasn't after all the research I did on it on the internet. But still, I pee ALL THE TIME (even getting up in the middle of the night to pee the last 3 nights which is unusual for me), being really emotional with him leaving on this underway, general achiness, and extreme fatigue and then only a fleeting moment of other symptoms like heartburn, or cravings. The fleeting moments I can attribute to me just being me, but the other especially the fatigue and peeing all the time are unusual for me. I dont' want to think about it because I'm afraid to jinx myself or get my hopes up. So right now it's in the back of my head that I could be pregnant, but at the same time I'm thinking, nope! Don't think it! if you dont' think about the possibility then it won't come true because that's just your dumb bad luck! So I'm hoping and yet I'm not hoping at the same time, if that makes ANY sense at all! oh well... since I have irregular periods, t he box says to wait 19 days since we last had intercourse. I honestly don't know if I can wait that long! I'm half expecting to get my period in that time frame and it'll answer the question for me. But if it doesn't happen then I know me and I'll be impatient and want to test early because this is something we've wanted for so long that I will want to know ASAP!

Anyways, that's all for now! Good night, my few readers! Tomorrow's another day and i'm hoping to getting a good night's sleep tonight!

Machine!

I AM A MACHINE TODAY!!!!

It's not even 3pm yet and I've done the following:

*5 loads of laundry
*2 loads of dishes
*general tidying of the downstairs
*cleaned out the fridge
*clipped, organized and cleaned out expired coupons
*taken out the trash


Now maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for ME, IT IS!!!!! I freely admit that I sit on my fat butt during my time off from work. But today I feel like I have accomplished so much. I also have plans to bake cookies, prepare a slow cooker meal for tomorrow, and continue with the last bits of laundry. Now only if I can motivate myself to become a FOLDING machine all will to done and well!