So a girl whom I've called my best friend for a couple years now has faded into the background. She was a toxic friend whom I recently deleted from my facebook. Upon discovering that she'd been deleted went on the defensive (which I don't blame her for) and proceeded to attack me via a message on facebook. Here's some background information on our "friendship":
*She's had 4 sugeries in the last 2 years. I have been to the first two. The last two I could not make because I had to work and couldn't take the day off of work (I did ask for the day off) because MY BOSS couldn't take the day off from her work so she could stay home with the kids. I offered my assistance for the entire weekend after each of the last two and was assured that I wasn't needed.
*She did come to my rescue when I had sudden pains in my side and rushed me to the hospital when it turned out I had kidney stones.
*For my birthday this past summer, I was going to have a Premier Jewelry party and she told me that she couldn't because she had pool that night with her club which said that her recreational pool was more important than her "best friend". When I called her out on it she admited it wasn't because of pool, it was because of financial reasons and she couldn't buy anything. Why didn't she just say that to begin with? Why did she need to lie? It was my birthday and I wasn't asking her to spend money, just quality girl time with me and some friends and enjoy my birthday. I ended up cancelling because of the drama.
*She was supposed to watch my 3 beagles while I was away for a friend's wedding I was IN, and bailed out on me a week before I was supposed to drop them off with her. It's not like she was going to do it for free; we were paying her, so that's not considered a favor in my opinion.
*During the summer she did care for my dogs while hubby and I were at work and could not let them out. Again, we paid her to do this.
Now I understand that people are busy, but my problem with this said "friend" was that her status' on FB were of going out, or being home at early hours because she got off of work so early, and of going out shopping on the weekends but when asked to hang out, she always said she was busy with work or that she had no money.
MAYBE BECAUSE YOU SPENT IT ALL SHOPPING!!!!!
I'm not saying she hasn't done things for me or been there for me, but the communication is off. She claims I haven't been in good communication with her and that it's been "ages" since I texted or called her. I never know what she's doing so in my own defense, I always text. And I have. Recently. I texted her last month about a personal triumph while in Chicago November 15th. That's less than a month ago. Since then I've asked if she wants to get together and never replies because she's sleeping since she gets home from work so early she can have a nice long 3 or 4 hour nap. Her reply to my last text from Chicago (more than an hour later) was "oh cool. sorry. I'm at pool and doing really well tonight!"
Notice how she makes everything about her???
Well not to sound ironic and bitchy, but what about me? Is this friendship all about you? She claims that my idea of friendship is all about favors. No. We paid you, so that's not a favor. A Favor is something you do for a friend for free. Yes you've been a good friend in the past, but I'm talking about the present. Right now. I have been through hell and back in the last couple of months dealing with a miscarriage and the death of my grandfather. She has lost her brother which I am not going to compare to because I can't imagine the pain of that, but because of that loss she should understand what I am going through right now and be able to lend some support or a shoulder to cry on. She's done neither. With my miscarriage or the death of my grandfather.
Yes good friendships can pick up where they left off no matter how long its been since they last talked, but you can't pick up where you left off if you don't communicate with me. I'm not saying I've been perfect in our friendship, but I mean after all I've been through all I'm looking for is ONE FRIEND who actually cares and calls and asks how I"M doing and genuinely listens and allows me to vent or cry or whatever. If she had done that just once, I wouldn't feel like I need to defend myself right now. Either way she's sent a nasty message to me and then blocked me from FB so I can't even defend myself against her and let her know why, thus I'm defending myself to you. But I mean, you tell me. Was I crazy to delete this girl? Am I the one who's wrong? Please tell me so I know if I'm crazy and have too high of standards or if I was right to want a better quality friendship.
*oh last minute detail: this is not the first time with this chic that I've asked for more communication or better quality in our friendship.
December 06, 2010
December 04, 2010
aaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! that feels better :)
So I read this blog http://flipflopcombatboots.blogspot.com/2010/12/toxic-friends.html from http://flipflopcombatboots.blogspot.com . And it really got me thinking about the people I am "friends" with on Facebook. So I took her very sound advice and Detoxed my Facebook just now and I already feel better. My new philosophy is that if they are true friends and notice that we are no longer friends they will request my friendship again. If these persons don't notice, then maybe they never really cared at all in the first place.
Some of them were easy because they were people that were constantly dramatic and EMO in every status. Others were because they were simply women who had husbands on my hubby's ship. They were wives I had met maybe once or twice and we added each other as friends purely because our hubby's were on the same ship. But I'm sorry, these women never reached out to me to make an actually connection with me. We had no friendship, we had no conversations, we never got together. Many of these women were FRG board members. And to me, if you hold a position in the FRG, isn't it your job to reach out to the spouses to make them feel welcomed, and part of something? Doesn't that kind of CONNECTION infuse unity and support and the spouse wants to go to meetings and events and such? Some may say I never put myself out there to meet these women or leave myself open for the opportunity of a connection with these women. Well what I have to say to you is, I work. And I work hard. I may not work a lot of hours, but my job is very emotionally and physically draining. I work as a Nanny for a family of 4 boys. A 13 year old and a set of 7 year old TRIPLETTS! One of the triplets has Cerebral Palsey. He can't walk which means he can't get around and do a lot of the things a normal 7 year old can; which means I am lifting him up and down stairs, on and off a potty, changing him, bathing him, feeding him, doing HW with him ALL while still attending the 2 other 7 year olds (with HW, playtime, fights, and bathing) and keeping track of a 13 year old to make sure he's ACTUALLY doing HW. I also cook, clean, and do laundry for this family. So at the end of the day I am VERY tired and all I want to do is eat dinner with my hubby (if he's home) and just relax. On the weekends (when some FRG get togethers are scheduled) I have to clean my own house and do all the errands I didn't get a chance to do during the week. Now there's nothing wrong with the FRG women. They're all very nice. But they all tend to be married women, with or without children, who don't have jobs. So they can get together during the week or do their cleaning and errands during the week so that when FRG get togethers are schedule they're able to go. I'm sorry but my schedule just doesn't work with that. So I have opened myself up to them; for the opportunity of some friendships from them. I just have a crazy schedule and it's hard to form friendships when schedules are opposites. So I decided that since none of them reached out to me on Facebook after over a year of being friends with them, I deleted them. Call me harsh or a bitch, but in my last post I said what I've been needing to say to many of my so-called friends:
"I want back the same that I give in a friendship: 100% genuine caring."
That's just the kind of person I am and I'm tired of having low standards and being treated with few and far between hi's and hello's. I am a person. With feelings and a huge heart. I put my whole heart into a friendship and I DESERVE the same back. I understand people are busy. I am too. I get that. But when you have time on your hands and you call me a "friend" even though you haven't spoken to me in weeks, I don't call that a friendship. I DESERVE better than that. So from today on, maybe I will be more picky about who I call a friend and who I don't. Either way, I already feel better about who I have kept as friends because they're not just friends in my eyes; I consider them family.
Some of them were easy because they were people that were constantly dramatic and EMO in every status. Others were because they were simply women who had husbands on my hubby's ship. They were wives I had met maybe once or twice and we added each other as friends purely because our hubby's were on the same ship. But I'm sorry, these women never reached out to me to make an actually connection with me. We had no friendship, we had no conversations, we never got together. Many of these women were FRG board members. And to me, if you hold a position in the FRG, isn't it your job to reach out to the spouses to make them feel welcomed, and part of something? Doesn't that kind of CONNECTION infuse unity and support and the spouse wants to go to meetings and events and such? Some may say I never put myself out there to meet these women or leave myself open for the opportunity of a connection with these women. Well what I have to say to you is, I work. And I work hard. I may not work a lot of hours, but my job is very emotionally and physically draining. I work as a Nanny for a family of 4 boys. A 13 year old and a set of 7 year old TRIPLETTS! One of the triplets has Cerebral Palsey. He can't walk which means he can't get around and do a lot of the things a normal 7 year old can; which means I am lifting him up and down stairs, on and off a potty, changing him, bathing him, feeding him, doing HW with him ALL while still attending the 2 other 7 year olds (with HW, playtime, fights, and bathing) and keeping track of a 13 year old to make sure he's ACTUALLY doing HW. I also cook, clean, and do laundry for this family. So at the end of the day I am VERY tired and all I want to do is eat dinner with my hubby (if he's home) and just relax. On the weekends (when some FRG get togethers are scheduled) I have to clean my own house and do all the errands I didn't get a chance to do during the week. Now there's nothing wrong with the FRG women. They're all very nice. But they all tend to be married women, with or without children, who don't have jobs. So they can get together during the week or do their cleaning and errands during the week so that when FRG get togethers are schedule they're able to go. I'm sorry but my schedule just doesn't work with that. So I have opened myself up to them; for the opportunity of some friendships from them. I just have a crazy schedule and it's hard to form friendships when schedules are opposites. So I decided that since none of them reached out to me on Facebook after over a year of being friends with them, I deleted them. Call me harsh or a bitch, but in my last post I said what I've been needing to say to many of my so-called friends:
"I want back the same that I give in a friendship: 100% genuine caring."
That's just the kind of person I am and I'm tired of having low standards and being treated with few and far between hi's and hello's. I am a person. With feelings and a huge heart. I put my whole heart into a friendship and I DESERVE the same back. I understand people are busy. I am too. I get that. But when you have time on your hands and you call me a "friend" even though you haven't spoken to me in weeks, I don't call that a friendship. I DESERVE better than that. So from today on, maybe I will be more picky about who I call a friend and who I don't. Either way, I already feel better about who I have kept as friends because they're not just friends in my eyes; I consider them family.
December 03, 2010
struggles, emotions and searching
I struggle everyday. Work is fine, there are mini problems but nothing that isn't normal for 7 year olds in terms of behavorial development.
It's on the infertility front and the loneliness front. Two friends have come out and announced pregnancies. Both are only at about 4 weeks along. While I am very happy for these people, I also feel jealousy that they're pregnant and I'm not as well as fear that it won't ever happen for hubby and me.
Right now my doc only has me on 500mg of Metformin. As in NOT paired with anything else. I feel like I'm just at a stand still in my quest to have a baby. Because my husband is military, we have TriCare as our health insurance and my doctor has me on Metformin so that when we are referred to a "specialist" they'll see we've already tried it and hopefully just start off with the next step. I feel that only 500mg is not enough and that I should be taking more to possibly increase my chance even just a little bit since I am ONLY on Metformin. But when I asked my doc firmly said no. So I feel like even though I'm taking this medication, I'm essentially not doing ANYTHING to help my chances of having a baby.
The timing of everything isn't help hubby and I out either. My husband and I have been trying since July 2009, but our docs are going according to when I told her which was December 2009. So our year of trying is up this month. The problem is that my husband leaves on a 6 to 9 month deployment in January. Obviously that does NOT give us enough time to be referred to a "specialist" let alone to start a new treatment option.
I guess I'm just hating the waiting game that i'm in right now. I have to put all of this on hold because hubby is going to be gone for so long. So at this point I'm feeling pretty hopeless in our baby efforts. I'm not saying we'll give up but I just am jealous of the recent announcements of pregnancies while facing our seemingly forever-long wait until we can even get in to a "specialist" to start something new.
And of course I still am wishing that the quality of friends was better than what I feel like I have here. I am missing my family because they are truly amazing in the support they show me from even as far away as they are. There are really only two girls I consider best friends that I would share all of my struggles with. But one of them has yet to reach out to me to even say hi in the last 4 weeks! She calls me her best friend and yet she does nothing to just say hi. So I am done reaching out to her. I want to get back what I give into a friendship; that caring and constant support whether blatant or silent support. The other friend I see very rarely because she works long hours and many days a week and with my schedule we are rarely free at the same time. So her I am more understanding of. I just want a friend who will actually CARE. You can talk the talk about how much you care but unless you SHOW me that you care by being pro-active in our friendship, then I'm sorry I'm going to say that you don't really care about me or our friendship.
Is it so hard to ask for a REAL friend who cares and who will actually support me when I need it? And is it so hard to ask for a doctor who is willing to help me out just a little on this seemingly hopeless timeline? Is it really that horrible to just increase my dosage by just another 500mg?? Most women are on 1500mg a day! And I'm only on a 500mg a day???? I guess i just want to get going and feel like I am pro-active in my own fertility plan, ya know???
Frustrated. Feeling lonely. Jealou. Fearful. And many more emotions. Any advice???
It's on the infertility front and the loneliness front. Two friends have come out and announced pregnancies. Both are only at about 4 weeks along. While I am very happy for these people, I also feel jealousy that they're pregnant and I'm not as well as fear that it won't ever happen for hubby and me.
Right now my doc only has me on 500mg of Metformin. As in NOT paired with anything else. I feel like I'm just at a stand still in my quest to have a baby. Because my husband is military, we have TriCare as our health insurance and my doctor has me on Metformin so that when we are referred to a "specialist" they'll see we've already tried it and hopefully just start off with the next step. I feel that only 500mg is not enough and that I should be taking more to possibly increase my chance even just a little bit since I am ONLY on Metformin. But when I asked my doc firmly said no. So I feel like even though I'm taking this medication, I'm essentially not doing ANYTHING to help my chances of having a baby.
The timing of everything isn't help hubby and I out either. My husband and I have been trying since July 2009, but our docs are going according to when I told her which was December 2009. So our year of trying is up this month. The problem is that my husband leaves on a 6 to 9 month deployment in January. Obviously that does NOT give us enough time to be referred to a "specialist" let alone to start a new treatment option.
I guess I'm just hating the waiting game that i'm in right now. I have to put all of this on hold because hubby is going to be gone for so long. So at this point I'm feeling pretty hopeless in our baby efforts. I'm not saying we'll give up but I just am jealous of the recent announcements of pregnancies while facing our seemingly forever-long wait until we can even get in to a "specialist" to start something new.
And of course I still am wishing that the quality of friends was better than what I feel like I have here. I am missing my family because they are truly amazing in the support they show me from even as far away as they are. There are really only two girls I consider best friends that I would share all of my struggles with. But one of them has yet to reach out to me to even say hi in the last 4 weeks! She calls me her best friend and yet she does nothing to just say hi. So I am done reaching out to her. I want to get back what I give into a friendship; that caring and constant support whether blatant or silent support. The other friend I see very rarely because she works long hours and many days a week and with my schedule we are rarely free at the same time. So her I am more understanding of. I just want a friend who will actually CARE. You can talk the talk about how much you care but unless you SHOW me that you care by being pro-active in our friendship, then I'm sorry I'm going to say that you don't really care about me or our friendship.
Is it so hard to ask for a REAL friend who cares and who will actually support me when I need it? And is it so hard to ask for a doctor who is willing to help me out just a little on this seemingly hopeless timeline? Is it really that horrible to just increase my dosage by just another 500mg?? Most women are on 1500mg a day! And I'm only on a 500mg a day???? I guess i just want to get going and feel like I am pro-active in my own fertility plan, ya know???
Frustrated. Feeling lonely. Jealou. Fearful. And many more emotions. Any advice???
November 22, 2010
Nothing I can do
After these last 5 weeks, I've realized how much of my family's lives I'm missing. My grandfather passed away last week and as I attended his funeral this past weekend, I felt like there were so many people that I want to be there for through things like this and I can't because of multiple factors in my life. For example:
I never got to see my grandfather while he was ill or tell him I loved him one last time before he died.
My father is due to have surgery next month and I won't be able to be there for him and help out.
I barely talk to my sister so there are things going on in her life that I never knew about.
After everything that has happened, all I want to do is be close to family; to be there for theml, to support them, and show love to them whenever I can. Living where I am, I cannot do that. Don't misunderstand. I would never leave my husband or the household we've created together. But I just wish I had more flexibility in my life to be able to go see them and spend time with them when they need help or something.
I guess the other thing is that I'm just tired. Tired from working, tired from all the flying we've been doing, and tired of so-called "friends" saying they'll help us out and then either bail or never keep their word. I'm starting to feel VERY alone again.
My hubby has an upcoming underway and then a full-fledge deployment after that. If things don't start improving soon, that deployment is going to be the most miserable months of my entire life. And apparently there's noting I can do about it. I can't force people to hang out with me, or to stop lying and being bitches, or to even just be my friend. And anyone who IS a true friend to me live hundreds of miles away so it doesn't really help my situation. So what is there for me to do but sit at home and wait and be miserable? Nothing.
I never got to see my grandfather while he was ill or tell him I loved him one last time before he died.
My father is due to have surgery next month and I won't be able to be there for him and help out.
I barely talk to my sister so there are things going on in her life that I never knew about.
After everything that has happened, all I want to do is be close to family; to be there for theml, to support them, and show love to them whenever I can. Living where I am, I cannot do that. Don't misunderstand. I would never leave my husband or the household we've created together. But I just wish I had more flexibility in my life to be able to go see them and spend time with them when they need help or something.
I guess the other thing is that I'm just tired. Tired from working, tired from all the flying we've been doing, and tired of so-called "friends" saying they'll help us out and then either bail or never keep their word. I'm starting to feel VERY alone again.
My hubby has an upcoming underway and then a full-fledge deployment after that. If things don't start improving soon, that deployment is going to be the most miserable months of my entire life. And apparently there's noting I can do about it. I can't force people to hang out with me, or to stop lying and being bitches, or to even just be my friend. And anyone who IS a true friend to me live hundreds of miles away so it doesn't really help my situation. So what is there for me to do but sit at home and wait and be miserable? Nothing.
November 18, 2010
For Me
Before anyone reads this there is a disclaimer. This letter/ blog I am about to write is for me, my sanity, my own grieving process, and just to get things off my chest.
Dear Grandpa,
On Saturday we will burry you. A man, who was tough as nails, yet always treated his 6 granddaughters like princesses. A man, who was brave enough to quit smoking cold turkey and actually NEVER picked up another cigarette. A man, whom we (my sister and I) describe as a burnt marshmellow: crusty on the outside, but a huge softy on the inside.
I miss you terribly already. Even though this past year you've been sick feels like a dream to me, I know you are gone in my head, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. When you were diagnosed in Feb of this year I knew there was a long and bumpy road ahead of you. But I knew you had the strength to make it through and would probably only struggle with this cancer for a couple of years. But, unfortunetly, I was wrong. As the cancer spread throughout your body, you grew weaker, losing weight everyday, pain increasing everyday, and doctors trying desperately to fix their past mistakes of missing a tumor or two. While I am angry at those doctors for not being thorough, I am glad that they were there to help you during this time. They were able to keep you comfortable in those last days and for that I can't say thank you enough.
I struggle with guilt that I never got to go see you while you were sick so I could show you how much I loved you and that we supported you. I know you understood why I couldn't be there, but I hate that I didn't get to hug you and say I love you one last time. I know that it is probably for the best that I was spared from seeing you in pain and in the hospital or just as frail as everyone tells me you were. But I just want to say I'm sorry I couldn't be there and that I WANTED to be there so bad.
I am glad you feel no pain now and that you are happier where you are. Just know that you were loved by the many people in your life. Know that we all miss your great big bear hugs, your endless teasing and your constant hard exterior even though we all knew the softy you were on the inside. We all miss you, Grandpa. You will never be forgotten and I can't wait for the day that I will see you again to hug you and say I love you.
Rest In Piece Bryce Foster, beloved son, father, brother, grandfather and crusty burnt marshmellow of a man. We love you.
Forever Your Granddaughter,
K
Dear Grandpa,
On Saturday we will burry you. A man, who was tough as nails, yet always treated his 6 granddaughters like princesses. A man, who was brave enough to quit smoking cold turkey and actually NEVER picked up another cigarette. A man, whom we (my sister and I) describe as a burnt marshmellow: crusty on the outside, but a huge softy on the inside.
I miss you terribly already. Even though this past year you've been sick feels like a dream to me, I know you are gone in my head, but my heart doesn't want to believe it. When you were diagnosed in Feb of this year I knew there was a long and bumpy road ahead of you. But I knew you had the strength to make it through and would probably only struggle with this cancer for a couple of years. But, unfortunetly, I was wrong. As the cancer spread throughout your body, you grew weaker, losing weight everyday, pain increasing everyday, and doctors trying desperately to fix their past mistakes of missing a tumor or two. While I am angry at those doctors for not being thorough, I am glad that they were there to help you during this time. They were able to keep you comfortable in those last days and for that I can't say thank you enough.
I struggle with guilt that I never got to go see you while you were sick so I could show you how much I loved you and that we supported you. I know you understood why I couldn't be there, but I hate that I didn't get to hug you and say I love you one last time. I know that it is probably for the best that I was spared from seeing you in pain and in the hospital or just as frail as everyone tells me you were. But I just want to say I'm sorry I couldn't be there and that I WANTED to be there so bad.
I am glad you feel no pain now and that you are happier where you are. Just know that you were loved by the many people in your life. Know that we all miss your great big bear hugs, your endless teasing and your constant hard exterior even though we all knew the softy you were on the inside. We all miss you, Grandpa. You will never be forgotten and I can't wait for the day that I will see you again to hug you and say I love you.
Rest In Piece Bryce Foster, beloved son, father, brother, grandfather and crusty burnt marshmellow of a man. We love you.
Forever Your Granddaughter,
K
November 17, 2010
A Month for the Books...
So in the last month, my rollercoaster ride has gotten WAY out of control! I feel as though I'm going to run off the tracks and careen down to firey death. Here's the run down of the last 30 days for me (and a couple days in the future):
Oct. 22nd - miscarriage (LOW)
Oct 25 - nov 5th - work gets crazy with kids sick and usual fits of not wanting to do homework
Nov. 2 - Friend "L" was supposed to care for dogs Nov 10th through the 16th backed out (LOW)
Nov. 6 - board dogs at kennel for the weekend which got extended to the 17th after friend "L" backed out
Nov. 7 - take hubby to see fav NFL team in person (HIGH)
Nov. 8 & 9 - back to work
Nov 10 - fly to midwest to be in childhood friend's wedding (HIGH)
Nov 13 - see childhood friend get married (HIGH)
Nov 14 - find out grandfather has elected to stop cancer treatments and just be kept comfortable (LOW)
nov 15 - spend day being a typical tourist (HIGH)
nov 16 - board plane to find a voicemail from Mom, call back and find out grandfather has just died, call boss and explain I'll need more time off, hubby calls boss to find out if he CAN take time off, continue flying home and check out account to see if we can afford to fly back for funeral (MAJOR LOW)
nov 17 (today) research airline tickets, M&D are paying for said tickets, find out both hubby and i can go to funeral but must be back to work on Monday morning, doing as much laundry as possible so hubby and I can both pack (STILL LOW)
Nov 18 - work, pack, check in online for flight
Nov 19 - fly back to midwest, evening visiting hours (LOW)
Nov 20 - funeral, burrial (BOTTOM)
Nov 21 - fly home
Nov 22 - go back to work, my father's bday, pick up dogs after 17 days straight at the kennel
Nov 23 - work
Nov 24 - early release, so working longer day
Nov 25 - thanksgiving
Ugh... I am not prepared for this. Time has flown by so quickly these last couple of weeks and yet it feels like so much has happened that its been months! I need a vacation for a full week (or MORE!) where I can just curl up in bed and sleep or read and have nothing I need to do.
Oct. 22nd - miscarriage (LOW)
Oct 25 - nov 5th - work gets crazy with kids sick and usual fits of not wanting to do homework
Nov. 2 - Friend "L" was supposed to care for dogs Nov 10th through the 16th backed out (LOW)
Nov. 6 - board dogs at kennel for the weekend which got extended to the 17th after friend "L" backed out
Nov. 7 - take hubby to see fav NFL team in person (HIGH)
Nov. 8 & 9 - back to work
Nov 10 - fly to midwest to be in childhood friend's wedding (HIGH)
Nov 13 - see childhood friend get married (HIGH)
Nov 14 - find out grandfather has elected to stop cancer treatments and just be kept comfortable (LOW)
nov 15 - spend day being a typical tourist (HIGH)
nov 16 - board plane to find a voicemail from Mom, call back and find out grandfather has just died, call boss and explain I'll need more time off, hubby calls boss to find out if he CAN take time off, continue flying home and check out account to see if we can afford to fly back for funeral (MAJOR LOW)
nov 17 (today) research airline tickets, M&D are paying for said tickets, find out both hubby and i can go to funeral but must be back to work on Monday morning, doing as much laundry as possible so hubby and I can both pack (STILL LOW)
Nov 18 - work, pack, check in online for flight
Nov 19 - fly back to midwest, evening visiting hours (LOW)
Nov 20 - funeral, burrial (BOTTOM)
Nov 21 - fly home
Nov 22 - go back to work, my father's bday, pick up dogs after 17 days straight at the kennel
Nov 23 - work
Nov 24 - early release, so working longer day
Nov 25 - thanksgiving
Ugh... I am not prepared for this. Time has flown by so quickly these last couple of weeks and yet it feels like so much has happened that its been months! I need a vacation for a full week (or MORE!) where I can just curl up in bed and sleep or read and have nothing I need to do.
October 24, 2010
Still.... and more.....
So Today I blew off the soccer games the kids I nanny for were in. I said that I might make it, but after my day from hell yesterday I downed some wine and just went to bed and stayed in bed until 10:30. Then I actually showered and got dressed, met a lady at the NEX to give her this bottle she needed and then head back home. After that I hung around for a bit and then went out to dinner with my friend M. We went to a place called Still. It's a tappas place. I'd never been to one before so it was nice to try something new, but also to just get out of the house. I didn't tell her about the miscarriage. It hurts so bad to just think about it let alone tell someone about it. I feel like that maybe if I say it out loud to someone, then it'll be real and I guess I jsut want to believe the doctor was wrong and that this isn't happening to me and that I'm still pregnant. My head knows I'm not, but my heart doesn't want to let it go. Hubby called me today and I bawled my eyes out. Just talking about everything that's happened this week. Our families still don't know. My mom flew home today from IL where she was helping my grandfather with his cancer treatments. Hubby's family was in NC celebrating two special birthdays; Grandma's 80th and Great Aunt Kathryn's 100th. So I feel like they all have so much going on already that telling them would be a big inconvenience to them. Or that I'll get the dreaded "if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't your time" or "you have plenty of time to have a family". Hearing those things after losing a baby does NOT make me feel any better and actually make me resent you for saying them because you OBVIOUSLY have no idea what its like to go through this. I guess that's why I've avoided telling a lot of people. Most of the people we hang out with are single or young and married. They're people who are nice and wonderful friends, but they have no idea how to react when put in a situation like us telling them about a miscarriage. I'm not saying they should know how, I guess I'm just trying to explain that I want to spare the awkwardness by not sharing in the first place. But family. I wish my family, specifically, would step up to the plate a little more and be supportive of me and tell me its okay to grieve, cry and be angry. After all that's said and done, then you can give me words of encouragement of trying again and how i'm still young and have plenty of time. But until then, keep it to simple sayings like "i'm here for you" or "i'm so sorry" or "come cry on my shoulder" types. I just wish I could talk to someone about it because even though I have friends, I feel like they just wouldn't understand or know how to be supportive in the right way.
But back to my original post subject... M. took me out and I ate some great food and drank alcohol because at this point I'm in the mindset of "what's the fucking point?" I hope to take hubby to Still someday because the food was really great. And it was nice to get out. The whole time my heart hurt because it took all my will power to not think about the baby I lost during our entire night out. But I put on my smile and faked it. Maybe I'm a good actor because I don't think M. knew a thing. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I know I'm just glad I didn't burst into tears as I saw the baby sleeping in a stroller on the way out of the restaurant.
But back to my original post subject... M. took me out and I ate some great food and drank alcohol because at this point I'm in the mindset of "what's the fucking point?" I hope to take hubby to Still someday because the food was really great. And it was nice to get out. The whole time my heart hurt because it took all my will power to not think about the baby I lost during our entire night out. But I put on my smile and faked it. Maybe I'm a good actor because I don't think M. knew a thing. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I know I'm just glad I didn't burst into tears as I saw the baby sleeping in a stroller on the way out of the restaurant.
October 22, 2010
FML
miscarriage at 6 weeks and 4 days. Husband gone for both announcement of pregnancy and now ending of pregnancy. Waited 2 hours in the waiting room at the doctors office to hear the offical word. We didn't tell any family yet so I have no one to talk to. My Grandfather is dying of cancer. SO MUCH SHIT TO DO before hubby actually does geet to come home. What else could be thrown on my plate right now?! seriously need to dig a hole and not come out for as long as needed.
MilSpouse Friday Fill In!
1. Are you a night owl or an early bird?
I am actually an early bird.
2. What makes you jealous?
other people's financial situations and ability to have children
3. Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? {There’s only 63 days left!}
I have started Christmas Shopping and I think I might actually be done BEFORE Thanksgiving.
4. What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
some type of fish that tastes absolutely amazing with some beautiful summer veggies medly with squash, zucchini and such.
5. Where was your first kiss?
I think it was in elementary school on the playground. I was in like 5th or 6th grade and I just walked up to the boy and kissed him and then ran away... AHAHAHAHA! i'm such a dork.
I am actually an early bird.
2. What makes you jealous?
other people's financial situations and ability to have children
3. Have you started Christmas/holiday shopping yet? When will you finish? {There’s only 63 days left!}
I have started Christmas Shopping and I think I might actually be done BEFORE Thanksgiving.
4. What would you have a personal chef make you tonight?
some type of fish that tastes absolutely amazing with some beautiful summer veggies medly with squash, zucchini and such.
5. Where was your first kiss?
I think it was in elementary school on the playground. I was in like 5th or 6th grade and I just walked up to the boy and kissed him and then ran away... AHAHAHAHA! i'm such a dork.
October 19, 2010
Reality hurts
My Grandfather is dying. He has cancer. He was only diagnosed Feb. of this year. I have not seen him since August 2009. He most likely won't make to Christmas 2011. He'll have this year but most of next year is up in the air. I am not writing this to you all because I want pity. This is my online journal where I can express myself and I find myself needing to vent or cry or just type it all out. I feel badly that I haven't seen him in so long, but financial issues have become problematic when it comes to airplane ticket prices to get out there to see him. I've spoken to family members who have seen him (ones that will actually tell me like it is) and say he's only the shell of the man that we once knew. This saddens me so much. I can remember all the times we've laughed together and he's teased me endlessly. My sister and I always used to describe him as a crusty marshmellow. He's old and burnt and crusty on the outside, but on the inside he's a big hunk of goo. And if you knew my Grandfather, you'd know that is the perfect description of him. Now that he is ill, he apparently doesn't have his same spirit. He's lost weight, doesn't eat much, doesn't walk well and is still undergoing chemotherapy and radiation which leaves him weak and in pain so most of the time he's on pain medication and sleeping. I have this great desire to see him alive one last time but don't have the money right now. We jsut can't afford it. This breaks my heart because I feel like I'm the ONLY grandchild who hasn't seen him since he was diagnosed. I feel guilty about it too. And I know anyone in my family that I tell that to will say ,"but everyone understands, you do what you have to". But it jsut doesn't feel right to me. I guess I just dont' want the next time I see him to be at his funeral. I will feel like I failed to see him when everyone else made it. God I sound so selfish just now! I'm worried about how I'd feel if he passes! He's dying! God I'm horrible! He's dying and I'm worried about me! ugh... sometimes I don't understand myself. I do want to see him because he's my grandfather and I would like to see him before he passes,but I don't want to make it a selfish thing. I want to see him. He's my grandfather and I love him. I jsut wish we had the means to fly to see him. I hate that my husband isnt' home right now. I could really use a shoulder to cry on because for the first time since I heard he had cancer, it is really sinking in as reality right now. :(
October 16, 2010
Waiting...
... SUCKS!!!!
Ugh! It seems like everything we have to do in this life we have to wait for first! We have to wait until we're 16 to drive a car, 21 to drink alcohol, etc. For me, I'm waiting to see if I'm preggo or not but also waiting on a phone call from hubby who's out to sea right now. I hate waiting. It's annoying and it gets me thinking and sometimes it really is bad to let me think. So now I am trying to occupy my mind with something else and keep me busy while I wait to talk to hubby, and wait until Friday for my docs appointment. any suggestions????
Ugh! It seems like everything we have to do in this life we have to wait for first! We have to wait until we're 16 to drive a car, 21 to drink alcohol, etc. For me, I'm waiting to see if I'm preggo or not but also waiting on a phone call from hubby who's out to sea right now. I hate waiting. It's annoying and it gets me thinking and sometimes it really is bad to let me think. So now I am trying to occupy my mind with something else and keep me busy while I wait to talk to hubby, and wait until Friday for my docs appointment. any suggestions????
October 15, 2010
MilSpouse Friday Fill In
1. What are some things on your bucket list?
Go back to school, have a baby, own my own child car facility, go on a cruise, etc
2. How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far?
3 years and we've only been stationed here in VA, but I think he's looking to transfer soon.
3. What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far?
um... there are a couple that come close, but nothing major though.
4. What is your favorite kind of pizza?
Cheese, or chicken with onions and mushrooms
5. What are three good things in your life right now?
My job, my husband, and the support of my family
October 13, 2010
No Beuno
Today was not a good day. I'm still sick. At least this cold is no longer making me feel pressure under and around my eyes making my eyes feel like they're going to burst out of their sockets. But now it has moved to my throat where I currently have a crazy sore throat and a cough like an old man whose smoked for 50 years. And to top it all off, after seeing an email from hubby pop up on my BB, I read it and am instantly crushed. Not all of it was bad but I just can't get over this one part. He talks about how he feels no joy working where he does anymore and even says this....
"I really couldn’t even get excited about being another day closer to seeing you"
That killed me! The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I'm one day closer to having him home again and he tells me that! I'm so hurt and upset by it that I couldn't respond. I don't know what to say to that! I don't know how to react to that! I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm dealing with everything, but the one thing that keeps a smile on my face to the rest of the world is knowing that my husband loves me and that he can't wait to see me again and that he's itching to see me as bas as I am wanting to see him. But apparently not. I just want to cry.
"I really couldn’t even get excited about being another day closer to seeing you"
That killed me! The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I'm one day closer to having him home again and he tells me that! I'm so hurt and upset by it that I couldn't respond. I don't know what to say to that! I don't know how to react to that! I'm dying inside because I feel like I'm dealing with everything, but the one thing that keeps a smile on my face to the rest of the world is knowing that my husband loves me and that he can't wait to see me again and that he's itching to see me as bas as I am wanting to see him. But apparently not. I just want to cry.
October 12, 2010
The Woman In Me
The Woman In Me - Shania Twain
I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...
You know, sometimes as military wives we feel like we are stronger than steel and that we are invincible. Especially when our men are gone. We feel the obligation to be stronger than The Hulk just so that our loved one isn't burdened by our loneliness or our sadness of missing them. But in truth, we all are dying a little inside when we wake up and there isn't an email waiting for us, or when it's two hours past the time he said he'd call. Yes we are going through what most women can't or refuse to deal with. We are extrodinary. But we are HUMAN. We have emotions. We have low points. Sometimes I see posts on FB explaining how a military wife is so strong and how she is coping so well with the seperation, but inside I'm thinking, "Man... is she high or something?". Personally I don't think it's possible to NOT miss them when they're gone. Whether you show that or not is your own opinion. But personally I think we should speak our true feelings about how we cope with the seperation, because once we start lying to ourselves about how well we're doing or how well we're not doing, we start lying to our guys. Yes I understand it is important to not burden our deployed loved ones with guilt that they are gone. Obviously they had no choice in the matter. But don't go on and on about how great you're doing to him while you're dying inside. Sometimes it is good for a couple to be honest with each other about how much you miss them or if you are struggling to get a grip. Often times they'll surprise you and give great advice on how to cope, or admit that they too are struggling. If they say they're struggling too... then you won't feel so alone in loneliness because you know he is going through it too. Obviously, I am not suggesting you go out and write an entire email proclaiming how life is meaningless without him. You could start him to worry about your mental stability. But a small little truth about it will go a long way. That's why I have posted the song The Woman In Me by Shania Twain because it talks about how sometimes you're not always as strong as you want to come off to be. Personally I have had some bad days when my husband is gone and when I go on FB and see all these other wives not even batting an eye that they're gone I feel even worse because I feel like I've failed as a wife. I'm not as strong as the other wives, and then I start to doubt myself that I can even stay married to my sailor. These are all completely honest thoughts I've had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Military wives out there: don't be afraid to acknowledge that you are struggling with your husband being gone or that you're having a bad day. It just means you're human. And who knows, maybe you'll find out a close friend is also struggling and you can band together to get through. There's no use in not admitting it because it will only get worse or make you feel worse when you see everyone else doing so "well". So here I go:
I am breaking my silence. I have been having a miserable time with this underway. I'm not sure why this underway is having this affect on me, but it is. I am lonely. I am often times depressed. I am frustrated that I see all these other wives doing so well or at least claiming they're so strong through this whole thing. I feel defective because of the previously stated reason. I'm tired of military wives putting on a good face for the world even though inside we're falling apart. I'm tired of the lies. Well it stops right here for me. If I am having a bad day, I'm going to say so. Do no think differently of me because I do, but only that I am human and that I do miss my husband. Yes I realize that tomorrow I will be better, but allow me to go through the stages of getting myself to that point, which starts off with admitting it and accepting it and realizing that it is normal. I do not feel there is any shame in that, so if there are any military wives out there reading this... please be honest. First with yourselves and then with your husband and with the rest of the world. We're not fooling anyone, especially our husbands. They know it's hard on us being so far apart. But if you don't admit it, then no one can help you cope and move on.
I'm not always strong
And sometimes I'm even wrong
But I win when I choose
And I can't stand to lose
But I can't always be
The rock that you see
When the nights get too long
And I just can't go on
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
When the world wants too much
And it feels cold and out of touch
It's a beautiful place
When you kiss my face
The woman in me
Needs you to be
The man in my arms
To hold tenderly
Cause I'm a woman in love
And it's you I run to
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
Yeah the woman in me
Needs the man in you
I need you baby
Yeah yeah Oh baby...
You know, sometimes as military wives we feel like we are stronger than steel and that we are invincible. Especially when our men are gone. We feel the obligation to be stronger than The Hulk just so that our loved one isn't burdened by our loneliness or our sadness of missing them. But in truth, we all are dying a little inside when we wake up and there isn't an email waiting for us, or when it's two hours past the time he said he'd call. Yes we are going through what most women can't or refuse to deal with. We are extrodinary. But we are HUMAN. We have emotions. We have low points. Sometimes I see posts on FB explaining how a military wife is so strong and how she is coping so well with the seperation, but inside I'm thinking, "Man... is she high or something?". Personally I don't think it's possible to NOT miss them when they're gone. Whether you show that or not is your own opinion. But personally I think we should speak our true feelings about how we cope with the seperation, because once we start lying to ourselves about how well we're doing or how well we're not doing, we start lying to our guys. Yes I understand it is important to not burden our deployed loved ones with guilt that they are gone. Obviously they had no choice in the matter. But don't go on and on about how great you're doing to him while you're dying inside. Sometimes it is good for a couple to be honest with each other about how much you miss them or if you are struggling to get a grip. Often times they'll surprise you and give great advice on how to cope, or admit that they too are struggling. If they say they're struggling too... then you won't feel so alone in loneliness because you know he is going through it too. Obviously, I am not suggesting you go out and write an entire email proclaiming how life is meaningless without him. You could start him to worry about your mental stability. But a small little truth about it will go a long way. That's why I have posted the song The Woman In Me by Shania Twain because it talks about how sometimes you're not always as strong as you want to come off to be. Personally I have had some bad days when my husband is gone and when I go on FB and see all these other wives not even batting an eye that they're gone I feel even worse because I feel like I've failed as a wife. I'm not as strong as the other wives, and then I start to doubt myself that I can even stay married to my sailor. These are all completely honest thoughts I've had. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Military wives out there: don't be afraid to acknowledge that you are struggling with your husband being gone or that you're having a bad day. It just means you're human. And who knows, maybe you'll find out a close friend is also struggling and you can band together to get through. There's no use in not admitting it because it will only get worse or make you feel worse when you see everyone else doing so "well". So here I go:
I am breaking my silence. I have been having a miserable time with this underway. I'm not sure why this underway is having this affect on me, but it is. I am lonely. I am often times depressed. I am frustrated that I see all these other wives doing so well or at least claiming they're so strong through this whole thing. I feel defective because of the previously stated reason. I'm tired of military wives putting on a good face for the world even though inside we're falling apart. I'm tired of the lies. Well it stops right here for me. If I am having a bad day, I'm going to say so. Do no think differently of me because I do, but only that I am human and that I do miss my husband. Yes I realize that tomorrow I will be better, but allow me to go through the stages of getting myself to that point, which starts off with admitting it and accepting it and realizing that it is normal. I do not feel there is any shame in that, so if there are any military wives out there reading this... please be honest. First with yourselves and then with your husband and with the rest of the world. We're not fooling anyone, especially our husbands. They know it's hard on us being so far apart. But if you don't admit it, then no one can help you cope and move on.
October 08, 2010
So I "liked" a page on FB today and I found this picture of The Navy Wife's Prayer and I couldn't help but start to cry because it is beautifully written, expressed exactly how I feel currently and exactly how I need to pray and keep my life in check when hubby is gone. Here's the link to the page for those of you who have FB:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hooyah-Spouses/165272040150643?v=wall#!/photo.php?fbid=165392553471925&set=a.165273950150452.40359.165272040150643&pid=560133&id=165272040150643
FIRST MilSpouse Friday Fill In!
Hey! My first MilSpouse Friday Fill In! I'm hoping to get into the habit of responding to these! enjoy!
1. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken?
The longest trip I've every take was driving in a car with my parents and two best friends in middle school down to Tullahoma, TN. Of course being the country fans we are we went to Nashville first and then on to our destination. The longest trip I've ever made with my hubby is one we actually somewhat often. We live in VA and our families live in New England, so occasionally we'll drive up the 10 to 12 hour drive to see them. We never stay anywhere overnight or anything. We just do it all in one stretch, switching drivers of course when needed. But its nice to just drive through all those states together and talk.
2. Do you collect anything? Tell us a bit about it.
As a kid I collected sea shells, but I have no added to it in recent years. But I must say I have quite the collection and it is a beautiful one at that! Most of the shells I have come from different coasts, west and east and even come carribean coasts and even the Gulf of Mexico. (I've been very lucky in the places I've been able to travel)
3. What is your favorite part about being an adult?
I would have to say choosing what I want to do and actually getting to do it without feeling pressure to do something else from a parent or something. I guess the other thing would be living on my own (well not when hubby is actually home, but thats not very often anymore lol) and getting to chose when to do things and how to do things and do them at my own pace and not getting flack for it!
4. What song brings a tear to your eye?
TOO MANY to list!!!! But here's a couple "When you're gone" Avril Lavigne, "Just a dream" Carrie Underwood, "Come What May" Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, "Even if I wanted to" Jason aldean, "Letters from Home" John Michael Montgomery, "EVerytime I hear your name" Keith Anderson, "Asphalt Cowboy" Jason Aldean, "You save me" Kenny Chesney, "Far Away" Nickleback, "The woman in Me" Shania Twain, "Come Home Soon" SheDaisy , "Stay" Sugarland... and like I said that's only a handful of them....
5. Describe your first plane ride (how old you were, where you were heading, etc).
I actually don't remember my VERY first place ride. I was very little, under a year old, and my mom, sister and I were going to IL to see some extended family. I've been on a plane so many time I'm not sure I can tell you which one was the first time I actually remember. Those rides seemed unmemorable that I can only remember the ones that either went wrong or were actually interesting to me.
October 07, 2010
Stressed...
So after blogging about how I thought I was pregnant and how I didn't think I could wait 19 days totally came true. I couldnt' wait and took a test this morning. And it came out as BFN which of course does not surprise anyone, but you know... I wanted it to be a BFP so bad. So that started me off on a kinda of bad mood. And I was late to work this morning, not by much, but too much by my standards. I had to take O. to therapy this morning and afterwards taking him to school I hit crazy traffic and he was almost late! Came home and found MORE mushroom things in the backyard I had to dig up. I'm crazy tired because I woke up in the middle of the night to pee AGAIN! AND about an hour later to throw up. I must have eaten something crazy... maybe too much sugar or too many things with eggs in it. And then of course I needed to get up for work in like 3.5 hours after that! Ugh! Super tired today. And I found out I can't have this one day off because my boss is maxed out on her vacation days, which I completely understand, but my hubby's side of the family is having an informal get-together for some important birthday moments. With the hubs gone, I thought it would be nice if I showed up and took pictures and then showed him for when he returned. His Gma is turning 80 and his great aunt or cousin or something turns 100! So it's this big to-do and I can't go. Like I said, I understand, but it would have been really nice if I was able to make it.
ugh. again.
now I have to go look up how to prevent mushrooms from growing in my backyard....
ugh. again.
now I have to go look up how to prevent mushrooms from growing in my backyard....
October 06, 2010
Retail Therapy
... is just what the doctor ordered!
YES! It is only the second day hubs has been gone and I went for some retail therapy. They are redoing the NEX and making it bigger , even adding a second floor, and I went and spent 2 hours there. I got some leggings and sweater dresses (yes I am jumping on the trendy band wagon) and I got brown boots since my last ones died. I also got some goodies for the hubs to send him. Even though this underway is short than the last, he convienently forgot some things and I had to send it to him today. Of course, not before I bought some more goodies for him and the guys to share! :) I love spoiling him and the guys he works with. :) Anyways, I also bought myself a new winter coat! It's one of those ones that looks like the Navy peacoat. I could never own one before because usually they're made out of 100% wool and guess who's allergic to wool? moi!!!! how annoying?! But I found one today with a lining in it and the actually coat was only like 50% wool. I figure I can handle that. It's a winter coat and it's lined and I'll usually be wearing long sleeves and scarves and such with it protect my skin from starting to itch. So I spent a good amount at the NEX today. good thing part os hubs bonus came in earlier this month! lol
anyways, other than that, today was pretty much a normal boring day. My dog has been having an allergic reaction to something and we're pretty sure it's the mushrooms that are growing in our backyard. So at DUSK when I notice said mushrooms, I go out back with a shovel and trash bag to remove the mushrooms. God, I hope my dogs realize how much I love them and appreciate the things I do for them! ugh... it was getting dark and hard to see the little things!
I'm trying hard not to think about it, but my period is late (even though I'm not really regular by any means) but I'm on Metformin right now. I bled for a week which I'm assuming was my period right before hubs came home from the last underway (Sept 7th) but then I started bleeding again the 21st. Thought it might be implantation bleeding but it started to get heavy and it lasted a full week so I assumed it wasn't after all the research I did on it on the internet. But still, I pee ALL THE TIME (even getting up in the middle of the night to pee the last 3 nights which is unusual for me), being really emotional with him leaving on this underway, general achiness, and extreme fatigue and then only a fleeting moment of other symptoms like heartburn, or cravings. The fleeting moments I can attribute to me just being me, but the other especially the fatigue and peeing all the time are unusual for me. I dont' want to think about it because I'm afraid to jinx myself or get my hopes up. So right now it's in the back of my head that I could be pregnant, but at the same time I'm thinking, nope! Don't think it! if you dont' think about the possibility then it won't come true because that's just your dumb bad luck! So I'm hoping and yet I'm not hoping at the same time, if that makes ANY sense at all! oh well... since I have irregular periods, t he box says to wait 19 days since we last had intercourse. I honestly don't know if I can wait that long! I'm half expecting to get my period in that time frame and it'll answer the question for me. But if it doesn't happen then I know me and I'll be impatient and want to test early because this is something we've wanted for so long that I will want to know ASAP!
Anyways, that's all for now! Good night, my few readers! Tomorrow's another day and i'm hoping to getting a good night's sleep tonight!
YES! It is only the second day hubs has been gone and I went for some retail therapy. They are redoing the NEX and making it bigger , even adding a second floor, and I went and spent 2 hours there. I got some leggings and sweater dresses (yes I am jumping on the trendy band wagon) and I got brown boots since my last ones died. I also got some goodies for the hubs to send him. Even though this underway is short than the last, he convienently forgot some things and I had to send it to him today. Of course, not before I bought some more goodies for him and the guys to share! :) I love spoiling him and the guys he works with. :) Anyways, I also bought myself a new winter coat! It's one of those ones that looks like the Navy peacoat. I could never own one before because usually they're made out of 100% wool and guess who's allergic to wool? moi!!!! how annoying?! But I found one today with a lining in it and the actually coat was only like 50% wool. I figure I can handle that. It's a winter coat and it's lined and I'll usually be wearing long sleeves and scarves and such with it protect my skin from starting to itch. So I spent a good amount at the NEX today. good thing part os hubs bonus came in earlier this month! lol
anyways, other than that, today was pretty much a normal boring day. My dog has been having an allergic reaction to something and we're pretty sure it's the mushrooms that are growing in our backyard. So at DUSK when I notice said mushrooms, I go out back with a shovel and trash bag to remove the mushrooms. God, I hope my dogs realize how much I love them and appreciate the things I do for them! ugh... it was getting dark and hard to see the little things!
I'm trying hard not to think about it, but my period is late (even though I'm not really regular by any means) but I'm on Metformin right now. I bled for a week which I'm assuming was my period right before hubs came home from the last underway (Sept 7th) but then I started bleeding again the 21st. Thought it might be implantation bleeding but it started to get heavy and it lasted a full week so I assumed it wasn't after all the research I did on it on the internet. But still, I pee ALL THE TIME (even getting up in the middle of the night to pee the last 3 nights which is unusual for me), being really emotional with him leaving on this underway, general achiness, and extreme fatigue and then only a fleeting moment of other symptoms like heartburn, or cravings. The fleeting moments I can attribute to me just being me, but the other especially the fatigue and peeing all the time are unusual for me. I dont' want to think about it because I'm afraid to jinx myself or get my hopes up. So right now it's in the back of my head that I could be pregnant, but at the same time I'm thinking, nope! Don't think it! if you dont' think about the possibility then it won't come true because that's just your dumb bad luck! So I'm hoping and yet I'm not hoping at the same time, if that makes ANY sense at all! oh well... since I have irregular periods, t he box says to wait 19 days since we last had intercourse. I honestly don't know if I can wait that long! I'm half expecting to get my period in that time frame and it'll answer the question for me. But if it doesn't happen then I know me and I'll be impatient and want to test early because this is something we've wanted for so long that I will want to know ASAP!
Anyways, that's all for now! Good night, my few readers! Tomorrow's another day and i'm hoping to getting a good night's sleep tonight!
October 03, 2010
Machine!
I AM A MACHINE TODAY!!!!
It's not even 3pm yet and I've done the following:
*5 loads of laundry
*2 loads of dishes
*general tidying of the downstairs
*cleaned out the fridge
*clipped, organized and cleaned out expired coupons
*taken out the trash
Now maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for ME, IT IS!!!!! I freely admit that I sit on my fat butt during my time off from work. But today I feel like I have accomplished so much. I also have plans to bake cookies, prepare a slow cooker meal for tomorrow, and continue with the last bits of laundry. Now only if I can motivate myself to become a FOLDING machine all will to done and well!
It's not even 3pm yet and I've done the following:
*5 loads of laundry
*2 loads of dishes
*general tidying of the downstairs
*cleaned out the fridge
*clipped, organized and cleaned out expired coupons
*taken out the trash
Now maybe that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for ME, IT IS!!!!! I freely admit that I sit on my fat butt during my time off from work. But today I feel like I have accomplished so much. I also have plans to bake cookies, prepare a slow cooker meal for tomorrow, and continue with the last bits of laundry. Now only if I can motivate myself to become a FOLDING machine all will to done and well!
September 29, 2010
funniness after my last bitch-fest
so... to follow up on my last bitchy post I have some funny, random, crazy things happen today that I thought I'd share...
1) one of the boys I nanny got left at school after the bus left without him. I know this is sad as well as funny because he had to go to the bathroom really bad and told his brother to let the bus driver know to wait for him. Well apparently he took too long and she left without him. Once he realized what had happened he went to the office where they called his dad and his dad went to pick him up. I guess the funny part is, when I got the brother off of the bus I just stared at him, waiting for him to burst out with a "He didn't get on the bus! The bus driver left without him!" But nothing of the sort came out of his mouth. After waiting 5 minutes for him to realize his brother wasn't with him, I asked him if he was missing something. He replied, "No, I bought lunch today" thinking I meant his lunch box. I asked "what about your brother?" His reply was wide eyes as he turned in every direction expecting his brother to walk off the bus that had already left down the street. All I could do was laugh because he didn't even realize his brother wasn't on the bus! I know thats a mean thing to say but it's just so-gosh-darn cute to make up!
2) on the way home I heard a song called Pants on the radio where one of the lines was "she can wear the pants as long as I get to take 'em off". Who comes up with these lines?! LOL
3) In my half-dead state of exhaustion I must not have locked one of my dogs' crate door because upon returning home, I go to let them out in our bedroom and my boy, Boss, is on our bed wagging his tail at me. I was shocked and surprised to see him there, then it turned to regret as I hurridly rushed around the room to see what he might have gotten into or peed on. Nothing. I was then thoroughly impressed with him. Maybe I'll start leaving them out.
So I will close with saying that it is POURING here and the rain is not supposed to let up any time soon because there's talk of some serious flooding tomorrow. Can we say "No school"? I kind of hope so. That way I can sleep in and get some things done around the house that I've been putting off. Or I could just use the day for me to relax, take a bubble bath, cook, bake, watch a whole bunch of TV and do nothing. Either way it would be nice. If there is school tomorrow, then it sucks to be me because I have to drive through pretty much ALL of the low-lying areas of town to get to the house where I nanny. Back home, in NH, we did a Snow Dance so there would be no school. Here, I do the Heavy Rain Dance so some flooding happens so I can have a day off. lol I think I'm worse than the kids!
1) one of the boys I nanny got left at school after the bus left without him. I know this is sad as well as funny because he had to go to the bathroom really bad and told his brother to let the bus driver know to wait for him. Well apparently he took too long and she left without him. Once he realized what had happened he went to the office where they called his dad and his dad went to pick him up. I guess the funny part is, when I got the brother off of the bus I just stared at him, waiting for him to burst out with a "He didn't get on the bus! The bus driver left without him!" But nothing of the sort came out of his mouth. After waiting 5 minutes for him to realize his brother wasn't with him, I asked him if he was missing something. He replied, "No, I bought lunch today" thinking I meant his lunch box. I asked "what about your brother?" His reply was wide eyes as he turned in every direction expecting his brother to walk off the bus that had already left down the street. All I could do was laugh because he didn't even realize his brother wasn't on the bus! I know thats a mean thing to say but it's just so-gosh-darn cute to make up!
2) on the way home I heard a song called Pants on the radio where one of the lines was "she can wear the pants as long as I get to take 'em off". Who comes up with these lines?! LOL
3) In my half-dead state of exhaustion I must not have locked one of my dogs' crate door because upon returning home, I go to let them out in our bedroom and my boy, Boss, is on our bed wagging his tail at me. I was shocked and surprised to see him there, then it turned to regret as I hurridly rushed around the room to see what he might have gotten into or peed on. Nothing. I was then thoroughly impressed with him. Maybe I'll start leaving them out.
So I will close with saying that it is POURING here and the rain is not supposed to let up any time soon because there's talk of some serious flooding tomorrow. Can we say "No school"? I kind of hope so. That way I can sleep in and get some things done around the house that I've been putting off. Or I could just use the day for me to relax, take a bubble bath, cook, bake, watch a whole bunch of TV and do nothing. Either way it would be nice. If there is school tomorrow, then it sucks to be me because I have to drive through pretty much ALL of the low-lying areas of town to get to the house where I nanny. Back home, in NH, we did a Snow Dance so there would be no school. Here, I do the Heavy Rain Dance so some flooding happens so I can have a day off. lol I think I'm worse than the kids!
You know the saying...
.... don't go to bed mad?
well I did last night. Long story short.... hubby had the day off, got to sleep in, get a video game he wanted then came to work with me where he complained a majority of the time of a headache and exhaustion. HELLO!?!?! I got up that morning early and went to work all DAY, worked ALL DAY the day before, have a headache myself, been bleeding heavily out of my hoohah when I'm not supposed to be which I think is making me anemic causing me to be moody and even more tired than usual! Did I mention I'm a nanny? Staying home all day for two days in a row entertaining sick children can take it's toll on you. YOU had the DAY OFF!!!! YOU slept in! And now you're going to bed early and barely spoke a word to me once I got home. Seriously within 45 minutes of me being home from work (he left early because of his headache... and yes he did take medicine to help it) he went upstairs to bed! It was 7:30pm!!! I ate dinner, took care of the dogs, stayed up and watched Glee BY MYSELF!!!! I had had two very long days of work; I myself wasn't feeling great and you're complaining like a little child and not taking into consideration that I might want to spend some time with my husband! Alone! For some adult conversation!!!
I understand that maybe I should be giving him some slack for not feeling well, and been more supportive of him. But never did I ever express these angry feelings towards him last night. So I did give him slack. I never mentioned any of this to him and was actually in agreement that he go to bed early. But after he left last night... it all just started to fester inside me and made me angry as hell at him! Now maybe this is crazy hormones talking right now in anger, but in all honesty, I just wanted a little attention. It seems like everyone around me was sick and I was taking care of them with no one to take care of me! I put everyone else's needs before mine these last two days. I stayed all day monday and tuesday with sick children seeing to their every need for medicine, tissues, lunch and entertainment. Now I was having to do it with my husband. I know that maybe this wouldn't be such an issue with me if I had just come out and told him that I wasn't feeling well myself but after all his complaining, I thought "what's the use?". I thought that even if he knew about me not feeling well, he'd still be not feeling well and still need things himself.
When hubby left this morning for duty I did kiss him goodbye and told him I loved him, but I still wish he was the kind of guy that would pick up on the subtle hints that I really don't feel like being his mother and caring for his lazy butt after I'd cared for two 7 years olds who were sick for two days. It was just too much for me. And it's just too much for me to be bleeding like I am... I seriously think it's making me anemic. I've never been more tired in my life! I think this is a factor to take into consideration of why my fuse is so short on this topic.
I know some of you may say.... "wow... she's a bitch for not taking care of her husband." I want you to know that I will probably never tell him about how I was angry with him over this because I feel like it's trivial and it's just a waste of time to bring it up and agrue about it. So that's why I've posted my feelings here. To vent and get them out of my system so I can let it go and move on. In no way shape or form do I plan to hold a grudge against him for this. It's not his fault, he didn't really do anything wrong. How could he? He didn't know. The blame is all mine. So I won't be saying anything and I just needed to vent about this frustration. And some of the origin of this issue might have been some jealousy that I was working overtime while being tired and he had the day off. Also feeling like he might have been a little ungrateful for his day off. I would have been hella grateful for a day off after those two days of 10 hour days! (I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some days are just long and it takes a toll on you.)
So see. You can go to bed mad. I guess the only way it works is when only one of you knows that you're mad. 'Cause when you wake up, sometimes it's all gone and you can just move on without giving it another thought.
well I did last night. Long story short.... hubby had the day off, got to sleep in, get a video game he wanted then came to work with me where he complained a majority of the time of a headache and exhaustion. HELLO!?!?! I got up that morning early and went to work all DAY, worked ALL DAY the day before, have a headache myself, been bleeding heavily out of my hoohah when I'm not supposed to be which I think is making me anemic causing me to be moody and even more tired than usual! Did I mention I'm a nanny? Staying home all day for two days in a row entertaining sick children can take it's toll on you. YOU had the DAY OFF!!!! YOU slept in! And now you're going to bed early and barely spoke a word to me once I got home. Seriously within 45 minutes of me being home from work (he left early because of his headache... and yes he did take medicine to help it) he went upstairs to bed! It was 7:30pm!!! I ate dinner, took care of the dogs, stayed up and watched Glee BY MYSELF!!!! I had had two very long days of work; I myself wasn't feeling great and you're complaining like a little child and not taking into consideration that I might want to spend some time with my husband! Alone! For some adult conversation!!!
I understand that maybe I should be giving him some slack for not feeling well, and been more supportive of him. But never did I ever express these angry feelings towards him last night. So I did give him slack. I never mentioned any of this to him and was actually in agreement that he go to bed early. But after he left last night... it all just started to fester inside me and made me angry as hell at him! Now maybe this is crazy hormones talking right now in anger, but in all honesty, I just wanted a little attention. It seems like everyone around me was sick and I was taking care of them with no one to take care of me! I put everyone else's needs before mine these last two days. I stayed all day monday and tuesday with sick children seeing to their every need for medicine, tissues, lunch and entertainment. Now I was having to do it with my husband. I know that maybe this wouldn't be such an issue with me if I had just come out and told him that I wasn't feeling well myself but after all his complaining, I thought "what's the use?". I thought that even if he knew about me not feeling well, he'd still be not feeling well and still need things himself.
When hubby left this morning for duty I did kiss him goodbye and told him I loved him, but I still wish he was the kind of guy that would pick up on the subtle hints that I really don't feel like being his mother and caring for his lazy butt after I'd cared for two 7 years olds who were sick for two days. It was just too much for me. And it's just too much for me to be bleeding like I am... I seriously think it's making me anemic. I've never been more tired in my life! I think this is a factor to take into consideration of why my fuse is so short on this topic.
I know some of you may say.... "wow... she's a bitch for not taking care of her husband." I want you to know that I will probably never tell him about how I was angry with him over this because I feel like it's trivial and it's just a waste of time to bring it up and agrue about it. So that's why I've posted my feelings here. To vent and get them out of my system so I can let it go and move on. In no way shape or form do I plan to hold a grudge against him for this. It's not his fault, he didn't really do anything wrong. How could he? He didn't know. The blame is all mine. So I won't be saying anything and I just needed to vent about this frustration. And some of the origin of this issue might have been some jealousy that I was working overtime while being tired and he had the day off. Also feeling like he might have been a little ungrateful for his day off. I would have been hella grateful for a day off after those two days of 10 hour days! (I love my job, don't get me wrong. But some days are just long and it takes a toll on you.)
So see. You can go to bed mad. I guess the only way it works is when only one of you knows that you're mad. 'Cause when you wake up, sometimes it's all gone and you can just move on without giving it another thought.
September 27, 2010
complete unload of information
ok... So I fully and shamefully admit I have neglected my blog. I have not posted once in a span of about 40 days (give or take a day... sorry too tired to do the actual math). So here's what's been going on.
Hubby came home from an underway and I was ECSTATIC!!!! IT felt so good to have him home! He even planned a wonderful get away weekend for our anniversary! That weekend away was wonderful too. We spent Friday through Sunday at a beautiful, secluded B&B near Charlottesville, VA. We went to a couple different Wineries for tastings and came back with some wonderful wines. We also went and saw the Natural Bridge which is just an awe-filled sight to see. We had a wonderful, fancy dinner out on our actual anniversary! It was some of the best Italian we've ever had! We plan to go back soon because it was just not enough time to really enjoy the area and the B&B itself.
The boys I nanny have gone back to school, so I am back to working Monday through Friday. But I get my mid-mornings back to do anything I might need to do.
My youngest beagle had a false pregnancy! OMG! How freakin' annoyed and depressed was I when I heard?! My dog convinced herself that she was pregnant even though she wasn't; so that just an interesting adventure that threw me into a mini-depression because here I am TTC for over a year now and no results. Then there's my dog, as nuts and crazy as she is, panting heavily because she thinks she's about to birth some pups! I was so stressed out about it, I couldn't do anything but laugh! Whatever. I'm over that and thankfully so is she.
** DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! What you are about to read may not be for the faint of heart, or those who do not wish to read about "female issues" or medical problems!
My doc has put me on Metformin. Man, those first 3 weeks were HORRIBLE!!! My stomache HATED me! But I've now been on it for over a month and things have calmed down. I still have some moments of upset tummy problems if I have too much sugar. But I try not to eat a ton of sugar anyways because of my PCOS; which has helped me lose weight! I've lost about 6 pounds now! I'm thrilled! All I've been doing is trying to make better choices in terms of what i'm eating and how MUCH i'm eating.
But my new issue in life is that I had AF from September 7th to the 14th and now she's visiting again. I don't know if this is a side affect of my medication or what, but it is a pain in my ass! (excuse my language) So if I'm supposed to have better odds getting pregnant by having AF every two weeks, I have a SERIOUS issue with that! And because I'm losing so much blood so often, I'm constantly tired! In the last week and a half, I think I've taken a nap every day except for like 3 days. For a while I thought it might be implantation bleeding, but then it got heavier so I knew it couldn't be. I just feel so much pressure to get pregnant right now because hubby is deploying at the beginning of next year for 6 to 9 months and our "offical" year of trying (according to our doc) ends in December. So essentially our TTC status would be put on hold for the time he is gone. Then we'd be reffered to a specialist where it would take MONTHS to get into just to talk about our medical histories and to run tests and go through some counseling! So who knows when we'd actually start any type of treatments!!! So I feel pressure to conceive naturally before the end of December so we don't have to wait practically a whole year before anything else is done. Also there's a possibility of hubby getting transferred after this deployment which would mean moving and finding a new doctor, etc. It would just be the most complicated thing ever if it didn't happen before he deploys... not that it isn't already. It doesn't help that hubby will be gone for a couple WEEKS soon and then it'll be the holiday season and things will get crazy and hectic since we'll be trying to celebrate holidays and prepare for the deployment. Ugh. this leads me to my next point....
hubby leaves soon. I hate saying that. I hate thinking about it. I hate that he has to go. I think about how miserable I felt (feeling like I didn't have anyone to hang out with or anything the ENTIRE time he was gone for only 40 days) and now relating that to a FULL DEPLOYMENT! ugh. let's just say i'm not looking forward to it... but I know it's going to be here before I know it! I mean it's almost October now. Soon he'll leave again for another underway for a couple weeks. Then it'll time for us to go to Chicago for my friend's wedding I'm in. Then shortly after that, it'll be Thanksgiving. Then it'll be December and time will be taken up by Christmas shopping and solidifying plans for the holidays and buying the last minute essentials for his deployment. Then actual Christmas and then New Years and then he's gone shortly after that! (*oh if anyone feels i'm disobeying OPSEC rules, I'm not. I know because I haven't said dates or even a time frame or a range of dates. It has all be in relation to events or holidays but never an actual time frame other than how long the deployment is, which everyone knows anyways.)
Oh! the other thing that happened was that our roommate moved out. He told hubby as we were preparing to leave for our weekend getaway. He said he didn't know when but it would be soon, so hubby assumed 2 weeks since that is the standard agreed upon time of notice. When we got back, we heard from a mutual friend that he had already moved most of his stuff out. We were a little more than upset. First of all, he never actually TOLD ME; he told hubby and then hubby told me. Then we found out from someone else that his stuff was practically gone. And lastly, that was definitly NOT 2 weeks notice. Hubby and I knew he wasn't going to live with us forever. I mean we're married and he's a single guy in his mid-twenties about to get out of the Navy. We're not dumb, nor would we have been mad or offended if he had just come to us and said "hey, I'm moving out." But not giving us 2 weeks notice was not cool. We've always been fair in terms of rent and the house and let him know what was going on and tried to include him in anything we were doing. But we were just hurt that he couldn't have come to us sooner... and if it truly was a last minute decision then let us come to an agreement together. I mean we're all adults... let's handle it like such instead of moving out behind our backs.
anyways... some good news for you now! Hubby and I bought tickets to a Carolina Panther's game. We're really excited! He's never been to a Panthers game before (his fav NFL team) and I've never been to a pro-anything game before! I can't wait!
Alright so I do sincerely apologize for the serious neglect of my blog! I hope to keep you all (or should I say the few of you) informed in a much more consistant manor. Thank you to anyone who actually does read this blog. I appreciate it. Until next time...
(which I hope will be sooner rather than later)
Hubby came home from an underway and I was ECSTATIC!!!! IT felt so good to have him home! He even planned a wonderful get away weekend for our anniversary! That weekend away was wonderful too. We spent Friday through Sunday at a beautiful, secluded B&B near Charlottesville, VA. We went to a couple different Wineries for tastings and came back with some wonderful wines. We also went and saw the Natural Bridge which is just an awe-filled sight to see. We had a wonderful, fancy dinner out on our actual anniversary! It was some of the best Italian we've ever had! We plan to go back soon because it was just not enough time to really enjoy the area and the B&B itself.
The boys I nanny have gone back to school, so I am back to working Monday through Friday. But I get my mid-mornings back to do anything I might need to do.
My youngest beagle had a false pregnancy! OMG! How freakin' annoyed and depressed was I when I heard?! My dog convinced herself that she was pregnant even though she wasn't; so that just an interesting adventure that threw me into a mini-depression because here I am TTC for over a year now and no results. Then there's my dog, as nuts and crazy as she is, panting heavily because she thinks she's about to birth some pups! I was so stressed out about it, I couldn't do anything but laugh! Whatever. I'm over that and thankfully so is she.
** DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! What you are about to read may not be for the faint of heart, or those who do not wish to read about "female issues" or medical problems!
My doc has put me on Metformin. Man, those first 3 weeks were HORRIBLE!!! My stomache HATED me! But I've now been on it for over a month and things have calmed down. I still have some moments of upset tummy problems if I have too much sugar. But I try not to eat a ton of sugar anyways because of my PCOS; which has helped me lose weight! I've lost about 6 pounds now! I'm thrilled! All I've been doing is trying to make better choices in terms of what i'm eating and how MUCH i'm eating.
But my new issue in life is that I had AF from September 7th to the 14th and now she's visiting again. I don't know if this is a side affect of my medication or what, but it is a pain in my ass! (excuse my language) So if I'm supposed to have better odds getting pregnant by having AF every two weeks, I have a SERIOUS issue with that! And because I'm losing so much blood so often, I'm constantly tired! In the last week and a half, I think I've taken a nap every day except for like 3 days. For a while I thought it might be implantation bleeding, but then it got heavier so I knew it couldn't be. I just feel so much pressure to get pregnant right now because hubby is deploying at the beginning of next year for 6 to 9 months and our "offical" year of trying (according to our doc) ends in December. So essentially our TTC status would be put on hold for the time he is gone. Then we'd be reffered to a specialist where it would take MONTHS to get into just to talk about our medical histories and to run tests and go through some counseling! So who knows when we'd actually start any type of treatments!!! So I feel pressure to conceive naturally before the end of December so we don't have to wait practically a whole year before anything else is done. Also there's a possibility of hubby getting transferred after this deployment which would mean moving and finding a new doctor, etc. It would just be the most complicated thing ever if it didn't happen before he deploys... not that it isn't already. It doesn't help that hubby will be gone for a couple WEEKS soon and then it'll be the holiday season and things will get crazy and hectic since we'll be trying to celebrate holidays and prepare for the deployment. Ugh. this leads me to my next point....
hubby leaves soon. I hate saying that. I hate thinking about it. I hate that he has to go. I think about how miserable I felt (feeling like I didn't have anyone to hang out with or anything the ENTIRE time he was gone for only 40 days) and now relating that to a FULL DEPLOYMENT! ugh. let's just say i'm not looking forward to it... but I know it's going to be here before I know it! I mean it's almost October now. Soon he'll leave again for another underway for a couple weeks. Then it'll time for us to go to Chicago for my friend's wedding I'm in. Then shortly after that, it'll be Thanksgiving. Then it'll be December and time will be taken up by Christmas shopping and solidifying plans for the holidays and buying the last minute essentials for his deployment. Then actual Christmas and then New Years and then he's gone shortly after that! (*oh if anyone feels i'm disobeying OPSEC rules, I'm not. I know because I haven't said dates or even a time frame or a range of dates. It has all be in relation to events or holidays but never an actual time frame other than how long the deployment is, which everyone knows anyways.)
Oh! the other thing that happened was that our roommate moved out. He told hubby as we were preparing to leave for our weekend getaway. He said he didn't know when but it would be soon, so hubby assumed 2 weeks since that is the standard agreed upon time of notice. When we got back, we heard from a mutual friend that he had already moved most of his stuff out. We were a little more than upset. First of all, he never actually TOLD ME; he told hubby and then hubby told me. Then we found out from someone else that his stuff was practically gone. And lastly, that was definitly NOT 2 weeks notice. Hubby and I knew he wasn't going to live with us forever. I mean we're married and he's a single guy in his mid-twenties about to get out of the Navy. We're not dumb, nor would we have been mad or offended if he had just come to us and said "hey, I'm moving out." But not giving us 2 weeks notice was not cool. We've always been fair in terms of rent and the house and let him know what was going on and tried to include him in anything we were doing. But we were just hurt that he couldn't have come to us sooner... and if it truly was a last minute decision then let us come to an agreement together. I mean we're all adults... let's handle it like such instead of moving out behind our backs.
anyways... some good news for you now! Hubby and I bought tickets to a Carolina Panther's game. We're really excited! He's never been to a Panthers game before (his fav NFL team) and I've never been to a pro-anything game before! I can't wait!
Alright so I do sincerely apologize for the serious neglect of my blog! I hope to keep you all (or should I say the few of you) informed in a much more consistant manor. Thank you to anyone who actually does read this blog. I appreciate it. Until next time...
(which I hope will be sooner rather than later)
August 20, 2010
The Dog Lady
Whoever said, "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger" was an idiot! Because I only feel defeated and lonely. I mean, nothing happened this week that was absolutely horrible, but c'mon! Its been almost 3 weeks since my hubby left and this week was hard for me. I mean he did call me Thursday night which was amazing! But it made me miss him even more! I hate going to bed without him and I've just really been feeling lonely this week and missing him like crazy. I did send him a package which made me feel good because I love to spoil him (and our roommate got one too). I went and hung out with some ladies on Wednesday night and it was great to get out. But it seems like when all these nice things are happening I miss him even more! How backwards am I?! I guess I just wish he was here, so I can share all this stuff in person you know? But I also just feel lonely. I go to work Monday through Thursday. Friday through Sunday I pretty much spend by myself because everyone else works on Fridays and usually have plans with other people Saturday and no one gets together on Sundays because they have to get up for work the next morning. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm not condemning them or anything. I just wish people wanted to hang out with me. I feel like I'm always the one asking to join in other peoples' plans which makes me feel like I've invited myself. Because I was taught from a young age that if people wanted to hang out with me or wanted me along for something then they'd invite me themselves. They would initiate the invitation because they want me there. But when I ask around for plans and such I never invite myself along because, if they wanted me there, they'd ask me to join. But no one ever does. It makes me feel like I don't have any friends here. I feel like I'm turning into the Cat Lady's sister - The Dog Lady! I mean I have 3 beagles, and while they can be quite entertaining, they don't make good conversationalists. Hubby and I have both felt this gradual receding of friendships among some of our friends here. We have found that the friends that truly matter to us are home- back in New England. Now part of us hates the north because of the snow and the cost of living up there. But we are finding that the grass isn't really greener on this side of the fence. After living here for 3 years we are already very tired of this area and the traffic and what-have-you. Maybe we're just bored already. Maybe we're the kind of people that need change every once in a while to feel good about our lives. Or maybe we just desire to find that right spot where we want to permanently settle down. Or, we could just be missing the family and friends that really made that area home for us. Either way, both hubby and I are open to options for our future. Granted a big pull for us to stay here is because I will never find a job as wonderful as the one I have now. The family is great. The hours are great. The pay is great. The commute is great. I could not have been more blessed with any other job. But I've only been with them for a year now(which is pretty good considering my resume has holes in it and my jobs have not usually lasted more than 6 months because of school, moving, or just the nature of the child care industry itself). I'm not trying to imply that hubby and I would move next week. Obviously with the Navy you never know when you'll be transferred or something of the sort, but the paperwork part of transferring takes time. So even if he were to get transferred, there are lots of variables to be taken into account. But I must say, if he does eventually get transferred to a shore command somewhere, my heart is hoping on Groton, CT. His parents are moving there because of a job my FIL (father-in-law) just got not too long ago. They're just trying to sell their current house so they can then buy a new one in CT. But I mean, Groton would be super close to them and only about a 2 hour drive to my parents place. We'd be close to NY and could take trips to the city or go east to the beach! I really feel like being close to family and friends that we've really creating lasting friendships with would fulfill this emptiness we feel here. We've got friends here, but everyone seems so busy and no one ever has time for anyone anymore. I think that's what we miss. Especially me. I have Fridays off. No one else does. So I do all my house work. Then on Saturday, every one's doing their housework so I am still by myself. Same thing for Sunday. Maybe I'm just needing time to slow down or speed up to a place in my life where I'm content. My friends are wonderful here. I don't mean to mislead you, but with hubby gone and me feeling so lonely, it would really be nice to have a friend to turn to; one who actually wants to hang out with me. But since I feel like I see my friends so little because everyone is so busy, my mind is left to wander about aimlessly. This usually leads to thinking of hubby, or spending money I shouldn't. While shopping temporarily cures my loneliness, it hurts my bank account and I later regret my purchases. I've been able to send packages to hubby and bake to spoil him and post on my blog more consistently than in the past. Although my time to myself has also allowed me to read which I enjoy.
So as I close out tonight, I want to give you an example of my previously long-winded statement of feeling lonely, friendless and bored: Tonight I had fed my dogs and listened to music while putting away my groceries. Listening to certain songs really gets me pumped up. This is the situation I put myself in tonight. I'm in a super good mood and totally determined to go out with someone (anyone!) who has cool plans and enjoy being out of the house. I posted a status on facebook to ask who had cool plans tonight and if they were willing to share or if they wanted to join me in going out tonight. No one replied. That was over 3 hours ago. So naturally my mood plummeted. I'm 22 years old. A normal 22 year old has just gotten to the bar to start her night of dancing and drinking and fun. But not me. This 22 year old will be in bed and asleep by 11pm having not spoken to another human being all day (other than the mechanic at the dealership for the leak in my car, the cashier at Petsmart, and the cashier at Harris Teeter). And I'm serious. No phone calls (a couple texts) and no encounters with friends. I feel like I'm living the life of The Dog Lady at age 75.
So as I close out tonight, I want to give you an example of my previously long-winded statement of feeling lonely, friendless and bored: Tonight I had fed my dogs and listened to music while putting away my groceries. Listening to certain songs really gets me pumped up. This is the situation I put myself in tonight. I'm in a super good mood and totally determined to go out with someone (anyone!) who has cool plans and enjoy being out of the house. I posted a status on facebook to ask who had cool plans tonight and if they were willing to share or if they wanted to join me in going out tonight. No one replied. That was over 3 hours ago. So naturally my mood plummeted. I'm 22 years old. A normal 22 year old has just gotten to the bar to start her night of dancing and drinking and fun. But not me. This 22 year old will be in bed and asleep by 11pm having not spoken to another human being all day (other than the mechanic at the dealership for the leak in my car, the cashier at Petsmart, and the cashier at Harris Teeter). And I'm serious. No phone calls (a couple texts) and no encounters with friends. I feel like I'm living the life of The Dog Lady at age 75.
August 14, 2010
I DID IT!!!!
So I know I haven't posted in a couple days, but I was kind of busy and really tired. But I will start off with my BEST news!!!! I MOWED MY LAWN!!! Now for a girl like me to mow the lawn, being my first time, is HUGE! I'm from the north originally so I can work a snow blower, so really how much different can it be? The hardest part for me was getting it started. I had a couple battles on that one. Then the grass was still too wet from the rain the night before. So I said forget it and I'd do it today since all this happened yesterday. And I did it today! I started the mower on the first pull and went at it! It took me maybe 45 minutes to an hour for the front yard. I have not mastered the back yard or done the weed-whacking. The front yard weed-whacking will be my challenge tomorrow!
Other fun and interesting things I've done this week:
- picked up my bridesmaids dress for my friends' wedding
- bought some school supplies for the upcoming school year
- bought boxes for some care packages for my boys and filled them
- went to the best local art museum and thoroughly enjoyed it
- went to the Navy night at the Tide's baseball and got to see fireworks after
- found out an old friend is moving back to town this month
While I feel very accomplished and back into living a life instead of this ho-hum bla-zay feeling because I hadn't gone out to do anything really; I know I have a lot of things on my perpetual "To Do" list. Like:
- document and deliver my huge mountain of stuff to Salvation Army
- organize and do some filing of important paperwork
- bring some clothes to the tailor (which now includes the bridesmaids dress)
- figure out a way to get all my files off of my dead laptop
- laundry
- dishes
- cleaning
- weed-whacking
- find an anniversary gift for my hubs since that's next month
- finish hubs' blankets
- send out boxes
But still! Because of my triumph today I went to TGI Fridays and had a wonderful late lunch/ early dinner meal and watch a replay of the Pats/ Saints game! (Oh I am so glad football is back on! I've missed it so!) My friend Lisa came by he restaurant with her new beau. It was nice to finally meet him after hearing so much about him. He's a good guy for her. A true southern gentleman and I hope they hit it off and continue to grow close. They're just plain cute together! lol
Alright, world. Well I am off to bed because it's late and I gotta get up in the morning! G'night!
Other fun and interesting things I've done this week:
- picked up my bridesmaids dress for my friends' wedding
- bought some school supplies for the upcoming school year
- bought boxes for some care packages for my boys and filled them
- went to the best local art museum and thoroughly enjoyed it
- went to the Navy night at the Tide's baseball and got to see fireworks after
- found out an old friend is moving back to town this month
While I feel very accomplished and back into living a life instead of this ho-hum bla-zay feeling because I hadn't gone out to do anything really; I know I have a lot of things on my perpetual "To Do" list. Like:
- document and deliver my huge mountain of stuff to Salvation Army
- organize and do some filing of important paperwork
- bring some clothes to the tailor (which now includes the bridesmaids dress)
- figure out a way to get all my files off of my dead laptop
- laundry
- dishes
- cleaning
- weed-whacking
- find an anniversary gift for my hubs since that's next month
- finish hubs' blankets
- send out boxes
But still! Because of my triumph today I went to TGI Fridays and had a wonderful late lunch/ early dinner meal and watch a replay of the Pats/ Saints game! (Oh I am so glad football is back on! I've missed it so!) My friend Lisa came by he restaurant with her new beau. It was nice to finally meet him after hearing so much about him. He's a good guy for her. A true southern gentleman and I hope they hit it off and continue to grow close. They're just plain cute together! lol
Alright, world. Well I am off to bed because it's late and I gotta get up in the morning! G'night!
August 11, 2010
I adopted a cat!
.... well at least for an hour.
So there was a cat tormenting my dogs for over a week now. So I started giving it some food a couple days ago and it's been coming. This is my plan so that I can capture it in a crate and have animal control come pick it up. Then my dogs can stop going insane! Although getting the cat to trust me really wasn't hard. I'm going to assume it was a he. So he was really really sweet! I swear if I wasn't allergic to cat (or my hubby for that matter) I would've kept him! Honestly he was so sweet! While I'm glad he's not going to drive my cats bonkers anymore, I will miss his sweet little meow. Although I'll never forget my dogs going crazy at the crate that I kept him in while we waited. Seriously my two oldest got in the one small crate together!!!! It was hilarious!!!!!
Today at work was a little difficult. The boys are at each other's throats. They have spent way too much time together. And all they want to do is watch TV or movies or play Wii. I try to distract and I have a brand new list of out-of-the-house activities and places to go. But they never want to go because they constantly ask whether they'll have time to play Wii when they get home, or how long we'll be gone. I love the boys to death. But they are just going at it and I feel like nothing I do helps it! Then there's arguing and bickering and then there are tears and anger looks at each other. I can't wait for them to go back to school where they're in separate classrooms and occupied all day. That will help them to get along when they are together! Otherwise I don't know how I'm going to get through these next couple of weeks. I try to keep them from "killing" each other but I guess I'm just going to have to wing it.
Anyways, it's been a long day and I'm going to finish my DVR-ed show.
So there was a cat tormenting my dogs for over a week now. So I started giving it some food a couple days ago and it's been coming. This is my plan so that I can capture it in a crate and have animal control come pick it up. Then my dogs can stop going insane! Although getting the cat to trust me really wasn't hard. I'm going to assume it was a he. So he was really really sweet! I swear if I wasn't allergic to cat (or my hubby for that matter) I would've kept him! Honestly he was so sweet! While I'm glad he's not going to drive my cats bonkers anymore, I will miss his sweet little meow. Although I'll never forget my dogs going crazy at the crate that I kept him in while we waited. Seriously my two oldest got in the one small crate together!!!! It was hilarious!!!!!
Today at work was a little difficult. The boys are at each other's throats. They have spent way too much time together. And all they want to do is watch TV or movies or play Wii. I try to distract and I have a brand new list of out-of-the-house activities and places to go. But they never want to go because they constantly ask whether they'll have time to play Wii when they get home, or how long we'll be gone. I love the boys to death. But they are just going at it and I feel like nothing I do helps it! Then there's arguing and bickering and then there are tears and anger looks at each other. I can't wait for them to go back to school where they're in separate classrooms and occupied all day. That will help them to get along when they are together! Otherwise I don't know how I'm going to get through these next couple of weeks. I try to keep them from "killing" each other but I guess I'm just going to have to wing it.
Anyways, it's been a long day and I'm going to finish my DVR-ed show.
August 10, 2010
Putty in the Remote
So today was a decent day. I was a little tired but, thats to be expected since there's 4 of them and only 1 of me! Anyways, this morning's job was to go to the library and get new books and ACTUALLY have them read them out loud. The dreaded "S" word will be starting soon and they need to practice. So we went, got books, they played and I actually got a library card! I'm kind of excited! I haven't had a library card since I was a kid! I had forgotten how much fun it is to read books and look through the stacks and everything. It's like a treasure hunt for me. I think all this stems from the fact that I just finished Eat. Pray. Love. and loved it.
Back to the rest of the day! Then the plan was to go back to the house, rest a little while I make lunch, eat lunch and then go to the Aquarium. The family is a member of practically every attraction in the area. So then I realize the card says the mom and dad's names on it and on the back is says upon entrance you must present a MATCHING photo ID. That posed a probably. Obviously I am not their mom and definitely not their dad. So I texted the mom to explain and turns out she was in meetings most of the day and wouldn't really be able to help a whole bunch. I called the aquarium and told them the situation and they said a flat out NO! I mean I am the nanny for the family and the mom has expressed that the whole reason they are members is so that I can take them places for free so they are entertained (I mean every mom and summer sitter knows that at this point of the summer the kids are bored with what they've got in the house). So we did not end up going. We had a leisure lunch instead of a rushed one. Then we read our new books from the library. Then we relaxed and the boys had their afternoon Wii time and we played with putty. I started putting my fingerprints in the putty and showing the boys the patterns. They thought this way cool. So I made up a game of them needing to guess what made the pattern. I would impress a pattern or object in the putty and they had to guess it. It went well until I had the bright idea of putting the remote in the putty because the remote set up was actually a kind of cool pattern. But when I went to pull the putty off, it wouldn't budge. Then I'm thinking "oh &$^%*#!" Obviously couldn't say that in front of the kids. So I pull the large chunk off and find that it has stuck to every single button it could and of course it was not coming off easily. I feel horrible! I'm completely embarrassed! I feel like I'm the child and going to be spoiled and feeling desire to run and hide so I don't have to explain the black COX remote with the yellow putty stuck to all the buttons. In the last 30 minutes of my day, I spend it furiously trying to get as much putty off as I can! This does not work out the way I had hoped. For a split second I contemplated blaming it on one of the kids, but I knew they'd rat me out anyways. So in the end I fessed up once the mom got home. She wasn't concerned but of course I still feel horribly responsible and needing to buy them a new remote.
The mom was more concerned with the fact that we didn't go to the aquarium. So tonight after my putty incident, I have researched free or cheap things to do with kids in the area. I have 3 pages worth of information and I'm ready to present it to her tomorrow. I'm hoping this will redeem me after today's fiasco! :(
Back to the rest of the day! Then the plan was to go back to the house, rest a little while I make lunch, eat lunch and then go to the Aquarium. The family is a member of practically every attraction in the area. So then I realize the card says the mom and dad's names on it and on the back is says upon entrance you must present a MATCHING photo ID. That posed a probably. Obviously I am not their mom and definitely not their dad. So I texted the mom to explain and turns out she was in meetings most of the day and wouldn't really be able to help a whole bunch. I called the aquarium and told them the situation and they said a flat out NO! I mean I am the nanny for the family and the mom has expressed that the whole reason they are members is so that I can take them places for free so they are entertained (I mean every mom and summer sitter knows that at this point of the summer the kids are bored with what they've got in the house). So we did not end up going. We had a leisure lunch instead of a rushed one. Then we read our new books from the library. Then we relaxed and the boys had their afternoon Wii time and we played with putty. I started putting my fingerprints in the putty and showing the boys the patterns. They thought this way cool. So I made up a game of them needing to guess what made the pattern. I would impress a pattern or object in the putty and they had to guess it. It went well until I had the bright idea of putting the remote in the putty because the remote set up was actually a kind of cool pattern. But when I went to pull the putty off, it wouldn't budge. Then I'm thinking "oh &$^%*#!" Obviously couldn't say that in front of the kids. So I pull the large chunk off and find that it has stuck to every single button it could and of course it was not coming off easily. I feel horrible! I'm completely embarrassed! I feel like I'm the child and going to be spoiled and feeling desire to run and hide so I don't have to explain the black COX remote with the yellow putty stuck to all the buttons. In the last 30 minutes of my day, I spend it furiously trying to get as much putty off as I can! This does not work out the way I had hoped. For a split second I contemplated blaming it on one of the kids, but I knew they'd rat me out anyways. So in the end I fessed up once the mom got home. She wasn't concerned but of course I still feel horribly responsible and needing to buy them a new remote.
The mom was more concerned with the fact that we didn't go to the aquarium. So tonight after my putty incident, I have researched free or cheap things to do with kids in the area. I have 3 pages worth of information and I'm ready to present it to her tomorrow. I'm hoping this will redeem me after today's fiasco! :(
August 09, 2010
Glass of wine
So today was my first day back at work since my kidney stone. Now I know what you're thinking. This girl was lucky enough to have here ONLY kidney stone pass over the weekend she had off! Yes i know! I'm super lucky. But still after the weekend I had I knew today would be a tiring day for me. And it was. I had some grumpy boys today but they were still as wonderful as ever. And tomorrow will be tiring as well since we're going to the Aquarium. But since I had a tiring day I decided to have a glass of wine with my dinner... which turned into more than half the bottle. But! It's good wine! lol
It's been so long since I've had alcohol. I mean I've had a single drink here or there for the last couple of months since my hubby and I have been trying to conceive. So since I know I'm not pregnant, I said "I'm going to have some wine!". And I have. Now I will say I'm a light-weight and feeling a little tipsy, but it's because I've abstained from alcohol for so long my body's just not used to it. But it also made me realize that I am only 22 years old. I know I have plenty of time to have a baby. But the responsible side of me considers that with my hubs in the Navy, they'll pay for a decent amount of fertility treatments and I should take advantage of that opportunity. Plus I've always wanted to be a mother. A stay at home mom to be exact. I love kids, I mean that's why I work as a nanny. But with my PCOS I know it'll be hard to conceive so I made the responsible decision to not drink while we are trying. But a part of me wants to be a 22 year old who drinks regularly just because I can. Not because I want to be an alcoholic, just to act my age. I'm trying to find this balance in my life of being responsible and acting like a normal 22 year old.
I just read Eat. Pray. Love. And it was so good! It's divided up into 3 parts. The first part is her journey through Italy. The second through India. And the third through Bali. Reading it, I kept thinking about how I want to do that. Take a year off from EVERYTHING and just be where I am and just learn who I am. I mean I know that I am Kelly and 22 years old, from New Hampshire who is now married to a United States Sailor and who works as a nanny. I got that. But take all that away and who am I? What do I state for? What are my opinions? What do I love to do by myself? Do I even like to be by myself? Now maybe all this seems selfish to you, but to me it's just what Liz (the woman in the book) does. She finds a balance in here life and who she is and what she believes and learns to trust herself. So maybe I am selfish for envying her, but that part of me wants to find out. I'm not saying I'll ever go on this year long sabbatical, but it's nice to dream about and what balances in my life I might discover and the wholeness I might find within myself. That true unity with ones whole being and lifestyle. I really can't wait for the movie to come out. Firstly I loved the book and secondly I LOVE Julia Roberts movies!!!!
And to think this whole thinking process started with my one glass of wine. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. lol
It's been so long since I've had alcohol. I mean I've had a single drink here or there for the last couple of months since my hubby and I have been trying to conceive. So since I know I'm not pregnant, I said "I'm going to have some wine!". And I have. Now I will say I'm a light-weight and feeling a little tipsy, but it's because I've abstained from alcohol for so long my body's just not used to it. But it also made me realize that I am only 22 years old. I know I have plenty of time to have a baby. But the responsible side of me considers that with my hubs in the Navy, they'll pay for a decent amount of fertility treatments and I should take advantage of that opportunity. Plus I've always wanted to be a mother. A stay at home mom to be exact. I love kids, I mean that's why I work as a nanny. But with my PCOS I know it'll be hard to conceive so I made the responsible decision to not drink while we are trying. But a part of me wants to be a 22 year old who drinks regularly just because I can. Not because I want to be an alcoholic, just to act my age. I'm trying to find this balance in my life of being responsible and acting like a normal 22 year old.
I just read Eat. Pray. Love. And it was so good! It's divided up into 3 parts. The first part is her journey through Italy. The second through India. And the third through Bali. Reading it, I kept thinking about how I want to do that. Take a year off from EVERYTHING and just be where I am and just learn who I am. I mean I know that I am Kelly and 22 years old, from New Hampshire who is now married to a United States Sailor and who works as a nanny. I got that. But take all that away and who am I? What do I state for? What are my opinions? What do I love to do by myself? Do I even like to be by myself? Now maybe all this seems selfish to you, but to me it's just what Liz (the woman in the book) does. She finds a balance in here life and who she is and what she believes and learns to trust herself. So maybe I am selfish for envying her, but that part of me wants to find out. I'm not saying I'll ever go on this year long sabbatical, but it's nice to dream about and what balances in my life I might discover and the wholeness I might find within myself. That true unity with ones whole being and lifestyle. I really can't wait for the movie to come out. Firstly I loved the book and secondly I LOVE Julia Roberts movies!!!!
And to think this whole thinking process started with my one glass of wine. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. lol
August 08, 2010
good news!
I PASSED MY KIDNEY STONE!!!!!!!
I can go back to work! I have no more pain!! Yeah!
I also got 3 emails today from my hubby. 2 short ones and 1 long one. So all in all today was good. I ran some errands. Took a jacket back to the store to have the security tag removed. I bought it yesterday and they forgot to take it off! lol I did some shopping at the grocery store and the dollar store. I got a TON of stuff for my hubs and roomie's care packages. I spoil them! I've bought a lot of stuff for them so I hope they enjoy it! Now I just need to get boxes to ship them.
But I think the most important thing is that I get to go back to work tomorrow. I'm really happy that my boss decided it was okay. Plus it helped that I passed the stone and have been off pain meds for more than 24 hours already. Anyways! Short post tonight because not a lot happened today. Good night world!
I can go back to work! I have no more pain!! Yeah!
I also got 3 emails today from my hubby. 2 short ones and 1 long one. So all in all today was good. I ran some errands. Took a jacket back to the store to have the security tag removed. I bought it yesterday and they forgot to take it off! lol I did some shopping at the grocery store and the dollar store. I got a TON of stuff for my hubs and roomie's care packages. I spoil them! I've bought a lot of stuff for them so I hope they enjoy it! Now I just need to get boxes to ship them.
But I think the most important thing is that I get to go back to work tomorrow. I'm really happy that my boss decided it was okay. Plus it helped that I passed the stone and have been off pain meds for more than 24 hours already. Anyways! Short post tonight because not a lot happened today. Good night world!
August 07, 2010
Better Day
So today was a good day. I got to sleep in (thank you puppies!) and I went and did some retail therapy. I got myself a cute new purse! I'm so excited! I probably did a big no-no though. I took one of my percosets and went out. As in I drove myself around. I felt completely fine and I didn't crash into anything. And yes I do realize the horrible possibilities that could've happened. I don't plan to do it often. I went to the bank and deposited a check, I got some Friendly's for lunch, I bought some new layering coats/ jackets from Dressbarn, and I got the dogs food and some toys because I can't help but spoil them!
Although one thing did happen today that concerns me. I heard from my boss today. She is a wonderful lady who was checking in on me. We chatted a bit about how I was feeling and such. Then the topic turned towards work and how I do have plans to be at work Monday morning. She seems very concerned about me being at work. Don't get me wrong, there is no way in hell I'd put the boys in harms way or jeopardize their safety for myself. I know it is ultimately her decision whether or not she feels it's okay for the boys to be around me while I am still dealing with my kidney stones, but I don't want to lose my job. I want to be at work. I do NOT want to be sitting in this house all day every day for a week or two or however long it takes to pass this stone. Like I said, I want to go to work. I need to go to work. My husband is gone right now, all my other friends work, and I'm not supposed to drive while on my percoset so that leaves me sitting at home by myself for days on end! I will go mentally insane! Plus I'm scared. I'm scared that if she doesn't want me to be at work, she'll find a replacement for the intent of it being temporary and then deciding it's best to just make it a permanent change. I do not want to lose my job. I love the family. I love the boys. I am willing to do whatever she feels is best but I want to fight for my job. I have truly been blessed to have this job. It has been wonderful to me! And I hope I have shown them that I am a good worker and will continue to do good work for them in the future. I don't want to be replaced because of this whole kidney stone situation. I will never find a job that is more perfect for my life right now! I'm really afraid she'll call and tell me not to show up to work for awhile. And then I'll get a call telling me that they're just going to make the change permanent. I understand she needs to do what's best for her kids and I understand her concern in terms of my driving the kids around or where they need to go if I have to take my meds. I worry about that too. But I do believe it can be worked out. I really just hope that they see that I want to be working for them and enjoy my work.
So while today was a good day, I do have this issue weighing on my mind. But I did title this as "better day" because a lot of good things did happen today. I got my car back (thanks to Lisa) and I spoiled my dogs, which I love to do, and I got a new purse, and I got to have Friendly's ice cream. I also got an email from my hubby! :) It really was only 3 sentences long but it's better than nothing . He said when he'd be off watch, so I'm going to set my alarm and try to be online when he is so that maybe we can have an email conversation. Those are always nice. But for now I'm off to have a small snack and read before bed. G'night world.
Although one thing did happen today that concerns me. I heard from my boss today. She is a wonderful lady who was checking in on me. We chatted a bit about how I was feeling and such. Then the topic turned towards work and how I do have plans to be at work Monday morning. She seems very concerned about me being at work. Don't get me wrong, there is no way in hell I'd put the boys in harms way or jeopardize their safety for myself. I know it is ultimately her decision whether or not she feels it's okay for the boys to be around me while I am still dealing with my kidney stones, but I don't want to lose my job. I want to be at work. I do NOT want to be sitting in this house all day every day for a week or two or however long it takes to pass this stone. Like I said, I want to go to work. I need to go to work. My husband is gone right now, all my other friends work, and I'm not supposed to drive while on my percoset so that leaves me sitting at home by myself for days on end! I will go mentally insane! Plus I'm scared. I'm scared that if she doesn't want me to be at work, she'll find a replacement for the intent of it being temporary and then deciding it's best to just make it a permanent change. I do not want to lose my job. I love the family. I love the boys. I am willing to do whatever she feels is best but I want to fight for my job. I have truly been blessed to have this job. It has been wonderful to me! And I hope I have shown them that I am a good worker and will continue to do good work for them in the future. I don't want to be replaced because of this whole kidney stone situation. I will never find a job that is more perfect for my life right now! I'm really afraid she'll call and tell me not to show up to work for awhile. And then I'll get a call telling me that they're just going to make the change permanent. I understand she needs to do what's best for her kids and I understand her concern in terms of my driving the kids around or where they need to go if I have to take my meds. I worry about that too. But I do believe it can be worked out. I really just hope that they see that I want to be working for them and enjoy my work.
So while today was a good day, I do have this issue weighing on my mind. But I did title this as "better day" because a lot of good things did happen today. I got my car back (thanks to Lisa) and I spoiled my dogs, which I love to do, and I got a new purse, and I got to have Friendly's ice cream. I also got an email from my hubby! :) It really was only 3 sentences long but it's better than nothing . He said when he'd be off watch, so I'm going to set my alarm and try to be online when he is so that maybe we can have an email conversation. Those are always nice. But for now I'm off to have a small snack and read before bed. G'night world.
Katy Perry - Thinking of You
I know this song basically is talking about being with another man while your own man is gone, but if you watch the video it's protraid as something totally different. I know all us military wives dread that letter or that home visit from men in uniforms. But when he's gone and I miss him and I just need a good cry, this is the song and video I watch. I do miss him and want to be close to him and this song really helps to express how lonely it can be, either with just him gone on an underway or if he was taken completely from me. I don't know why but I really like this song and love the video even more.
August 06, 2010
Another paper bracelet
So since my post this morning I have received yet another paper bracelet from the ER. After I posted this morning I had a very small lunch and then proceeded to have crazy intense side pains. I took pain medication and after an hour of waiting for the pain to subside, I decided something wasn't right and drove to the hospital. first off, I wasn't supposed to drive myself because I'm not supposed to be operating heavy machinery while taking my pain meds. Oh well, cuz all the people I know have jobs and my husband is gone! Well I got halfway there and swear I was going to puke, so I pulled over as quickly and safely as possible. I didn't end up throwing up but the pain was so strong I started crying right then and there on the side of the highway! It was awful! Once I felt I could go on, I jumped back in my car and made it to the hospital. Of course it was packed. I got there about 2:30. I checked in and proceeded to get my vitals taken at triage where I started crying again because the pain was just too much. I was told I still had to go back out into the lobby and wait to be called back. Of course "they'd try to get to me as soon a possible". PPPPSSSSHHHHHH! ya right! I sat in the lobby almost 2 full hours before my name was called! Then I had to repeat my story to a nurse, corpsman, and doctor. Then I waited. And then I waited some more. Then finally I was told they needed me to give a urine sample. I thought, "Finally! They're going to actually test and treat me!". I did my thing and was told that they'd probably give me some extra pain meds and send me on my way but I wasn't allowed to drive because I would take this new pain med at the hospital. So now I'm racking my brain of anyone who could come pick me up and wouldn't mind. I thought about my good friend Lisa who essentially stayed with me all yesterday. She was kind enough to oblige and came to the hospital to get me. But the docs weren't done yet of course. Even after she showed up, we waited for a long while before anyone came in! Then of course there was a shift change so I got a new nurse, and corpsman. Thankfully I still had the same doctor. So he came back and told me that there wasn't any new information, just that there was still a lot of blood in my urine which meant that the stone was still in my kidney. So I got a shot of pain meds in my butt. Being a girl who doesn't like needles this was scary to think about. But it wasn't that bad after all. I guess because my butt is so..... fleshy. yeah... thats the word I'll use right now. lol But now the problem is the whole not being able to drive thing. My car was parked in the ER lot. How was I to get it home if Lisa was driving me home? And if these 2 days give any indication on how I was to feel until my stone has passed, how am I going to drive myself to and from work being on my pain meds? If I don't take them so I can drive, how will I get through my day without keeling over? Do they really expect me to stay home all day, every day and not go anywhere without going CRAZY?!?! According to the docs, it can take up to 4 WEEKS for a stone to pass!!! ugh! This is not going to be fun. As unsafe as it sounds, I will probably end up cheating and going out while on my pain meds. I just need to be very careful and I will probably not be out too late. Either way I have found that this searing pain in my side will come and go. I just hope this all passes quickly so I can just move on and be normal for once.
On a brighter note, I got an email from my hubby today! It actually came to my blackberry while I was sitting in the waiting room. Now I'm not complain... well actually I guess I kind of am. Anyways, this was the first email I've gotten from him since he left at the beginning of this week. While I was glad to hear from him, I was a little disappointed too. I had emailed him Tuesday night. And then was too tired to email him Wednesday night. Then Thursday all this kidney stone stuff occurred and I just relaxed most of the day. But I did email him details of everything that happened once I got home and was settled. Well this email I got today had this one sentence in it... "Hey I'm glad we know what was causing the pain." then he went on to tell me other things about life on the boat! Like I said I am glad I got an email at all, but come on!!!! I have been in pain for hours upon hours and feeling guilty about leaving my boss in a bind because I couldn't be at work, and I was drugged up and this is seriously the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and he says one little thing about it. I was sort of hoping for a little bit more concern on his end. I mean I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to make a fuss over myself. So when I say I think its time to see a doctor or go to the ER, then you know it's serious. So I kind of wished he was a little bit more concerned for me, but like I said, I am glad he emailed me. Also in this email, he told me the whole division shaved their heads! ugh! I swear if he walks off that boat with a bald head I'm sending him back until it grows back. I love my husband, I really do. But he does not have an attractive head. There are only a few guys out there that can pull of a completely bald head before their senior discounts kick in. My husband is not one of them. But at least he did it now, because I'm sure by the time they get back it'll be grown out (thank heaven!). He also gave his mailing address so I can send him stuff! I'm so excited! Except I can't drive to take it to the post office, and we're pretty much broke because I bought plane tickets this month to go to Chicago for a wedding I'm in. So now I need ideas of things I can put in a box to him that doesn't cost anything. I plan on making some food like brownies or cookies, but if any of you ladies have any ideas of what I could put in there I'd appreciate the ideas! Thanks gals! Well, I think it's time to get off the rollercoaster ride for tonight. I'm beat. But I get to start it all over again tomorrow. Night all!
On a brighter note, I got an email from my hubby today! It actually came to my blackberry while I was sitting in the waiting room. Now I'm not complain... well actually I guess I kind of am. Anyways, this was the first email I've gotten from him since he left at the beginning of this week. While I was glad to hear from him, I was a little disappointed too. I had emailed him Tuesday night. And then was too tired to email him Wednesday night. Then Thursday all this kidney stone stuff occurred and I just relaxed most of the day. But I did email him details of everything that happened once I got home and was settled. Well this email I got today had this one sentence in it... "Hey I'm glad we know what was causing the pain." then he went on to tell me other things about life on the boat! Like I said I am glad I got an email at all, but come on!!!! I have been in pain for hours upon hours and feeling guilty about leaving my boss in a bind because I couldn't be at work, and I was drugged up and this is seriously the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and he says one little thing about it. I was sort of hoping for a little bit more concern on his end. I mean I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to make a fuss over myself. So when I say I think its time to see a doctor or go to the ER, then you know it's serious. So I kind of wished he was a little bit more concerned for me, but like I said, I am glad he emailed me. Also in this email, he told me the whole division shaved their heads! ugh! I swear if he walks off that boat with a bald head I'm sending him back until it grows back. I love my husband, I really do. But he does not have an attractive head. There are only a few guys out there that can pull of a completely bald head before their senior discounts kick in. My husband is not one of them. But at least he did it now, because I'm sure by the time they get back it'll be grown out (thank heaven!). He also gave his mailing address so I can send him stuff! I'm so excited! Except I can't drive to take it to the post office, and we're pretty much broke because I bought plane tickets this month to go to Chicago for a wedding I'm in. So now I need ideas of things I can put in a box to him that doesn't cost anything. I plan on making some food like brownies or cookies, but if any of you ladies have any ideas of what I could put in there I'd appreciate the ideas! Thanks gals! Well, I think it's time to get off the rollercoaster ride for tonight. I'm beat. But I get to start it all over again tomorrow. Night all!
Wanted: True Friendship
So day 2 of my kidney stone process has barely begun and I'm already in pain. But the pain isn't in my side, it's lower. I'm assuming this means that the stone is passing into my bladder which I hope means I can pass it soon and have this whole ordeal over with! ugh!
It was nice to have someone with me yesterday. Lisa was kind enough to stay pretty much the whole day with me. Now today.... is another story. I got up at like 7:30 only God knows why! Then fed the dogs and such, grabbed the paper, read some articles and took a shower. I even started some laundry. But it's 10am and I'm bored and wanting to not be alone today. Now I just checked my facebook and I have found a friend of mine could be completely moved in to a new place in Charleston SC by this time next year! I always new they would move there because she has divulged this information to me before. But since I consider her one of my BEST FRIENDS, I guess I wish she had told me in person and I didn't have to find out on facebook with everyone else. She has a new job and such so I understand she can't get together as much anymore because she's got longer hours now. But still I sometimes feel like I'm just a convenience friendship to her. Like she only talks to me when her hubby is about to leave or while he's gone. I really wish I could meet some girls who would be my friend no matter who was around or not. I understand that when your husband is home you want to spend time with him. Believe me I get it because yes I admit I have not made plans with girlfriends because I knew my hubby was in town. So yes I get it. But, whether my hubby is around or not, I try to make plans with my friends as soon as we're both available. Maybe I have too high of standards, or maybe I just haven't found the right friends. I don't know. I just wish people could grow up, be mature and be a true friend in every sense of the word.
Well now that I have ranted I have a headache. I've already taken a percoset this morning so I can't take another until 3pm. But maybe I'll take some tylenol and take a nap. It's not like any one's going to call me or ask to hang out today. No one ever does.
It was nice to have someone with me yesterday. Lisa was kind enough to stay pretty much the whole day with me. Now today.... is another story. I got up at like 7:30 only God knows why! Then fed the dogs and such, grabbed the paper, read some articles and took a shower. I even started some laundry. But it's 10am and I'm bored and wanting to not be alone today. Now I just checked my facebook and I have found a friend of mine could be completely moved in to a new place in Charleston SC by this time next year! I always new they would move there because she has divulged this information to me before. But since I consider her one of my BEST FRIENDS, I guess I wish she had told me in person and I didn't have to find out on facebook with everyone else. She has a new job and such so I understand she can't get together as much anymore because she's got longer hours now. But still I sometimes feel like I'm just a convenience friendship to her. Like she only talks to me when her hubby is about to leave or while he's gone. I really wish I could meet some girls who would be my friend no matter who was around or not. I understand that when your husband is home you want to spend time with him. Believe me I get it because yes I admit I have not made plans with girlfriends because I knew my hubby was in town. So yes I get it. But, whether my hubby is around or not, I try to make plans with my friends as soon as we're both available. Maybe I have too high of standards, or maybe I just haven't found the right friends. I don't know. I just wish people could grow up, be mature and be a true friend in every sense of the word.
Well now that I have ranted I have a headache. I've already taken a percoset this morning so I can't take another until 3pm. But maybe I'll take some tylenol and take a nap. It's not like any one's going to call me or ask to hang out today. No one ever does.
August 05, 2010
"A successfuly ER trip" an oxymoron????
So, last night starting at about 10pm I experienced severe pain in my right side. I took some tylenol to try and get some good sleep. Well, that did not happen! I did not get much sleep at all. I attempted to go to work this morning and I just broke down in front of my boss. I felt AWEFUL about it! But my boss is absolutely wonderful and so understanding. She told me to go get checked out and get better. So I drove myself home (harder to do than i thought). My friend Lisa brought me to the ER because i just couldn't stop crying because of the pain in my right side, the guilt i felt over my job, missing my hubby (because of course this happens right after he leaves!) and just over-all exhaustion. We got to the ER at like 7:45. I was taken back right away because of my pain, plus it wasn't that busy. I had a urine test, an ultrasound of my side, and then a CT scan. At the end of all the tests I found out I have a Kidney Stone causing my pain. So at this point its 11am and I've been doing tests and waiting for 3 hours. I hadn't been hungry so I barely ate this morning. So after all that I was tired and super hungry. Lisa and I were thinking I might have appendicitis which would've required surgery obviously and I wouldn't have been able to eat! So thankfully I didn't have that because I was starving! So The ER gave me 2 prescriptions; percocet for pain and a dialation medication to relax my bladder so that the stone will pass easier (ewwwwww). Thankfully I had a very good friend with me to help me out all day. She drove me to the ER and back home again. We had lunch and we both took naps because we were so tired. So all in all, I was seen quickly in the ER, I wasn't alone, I got medication to help me feel better, and I had a nap. Today was a decent day, except for the severe pain part. But honestly, is it an oxymoron to say you had a successful trip to the ER??? Well, whatever you believe or feel, I am glad to have a friend to accompany me so I didn't feel so lonely in such a crazy experience. I've never had kindey stones before or felt pain like that. So I'm glad I got a diagnosis and a treatment plan. I think about how long it took to diagnose my PCOS and I was so afraid I was going to be the crazy girl with the mysterious pain in her right side. So I really am just glad to know what was causing it and how I can get better. I guess, thankful is the word of the day.
August 03, 2010
New Leaf!
So my hubby left this morning. He'll be gone quite awhile. I cried so hard last night and I cried again once I got home from dropping him off at the ship. I probably should have taken the day off today but I guess it was as much a blessing as a curse to have had to go to work today. so while this is my day to be sulking and mopy, I know I will be better tomorrow because life does go on.
So this entry is named "New leaf" because of my last statement: "life goes on". So starting tomorrow, I WILL get up extra early and work out. And tonight I even made a healthy dinner or stir fry veggies (zuccini, squash, carrots, and onions) with some chicken that I had my hubs throw in a Crockpot yesterday. There is no more soda in my house; all my veggies are fresh and locally grown & bought; my meal are prepared without oils and butters and such. I need to feel healthy and feel good about what's going into my body in order to feel good about my body and my life in general. So, thus the new leaf! This weekend I hope to clean out our office and get rid of a lot of junk as well donate a bunch of items to the Salvation Army as well as rip all my old CD's onto my new computer so I can get rid of them too! So, to say the least I have things to do to keep me busy. While I miss my husband and enjoy thinking about him and actively missing him, I know that if I linger too long on the subject it will dominate my mind and my day will turn for the worse because I will miss him too much. I mean no offense to anyone, especially my hubby, in saying that but sometimes when you think about just ONE person for too long your mood changes. Sometimes it even interfers with progress you were making. This is what I am trying to say. Anyways. I also am hoping to keep more up to date with this blog. I know I know! I've said that before and I do well for like a week and then don't post for a month or so! But I swear!!!! I will try to do better to post more often. Like I said, anyways! It is time for me to go to bed. I need to get up early to workout and then do my usual routine before work!
So this entry is named "New leaf" because of my last statement: "life goes on". So starting tomorrow, I WILL get up extra early and work out. And tonight I even made a healthy dinner or stir fry veggies (zuccini, squash, carrots, and onions) with some chicken that I had my hubs throw in a Crockpot yesterday. There is no more soda in my house; all my veggies are fresh and locally grown & bought; my meal are prepared without oils and butters and such. I need to feel healthy and feel good about what's going into my body in order to feel good about my body and my life in general. So, thus the new leaf! This weekend I hope to clean out our office and get rid of a lot of junk as well donate a bunch of items to the Salvation Army as well as rip all my old CD's onto my new computer so I can get rid of them too! So, to say the least I have things to do to keep me busy. While I miss my husband and enjoy thinking about him and actively missing him, I know that if I linger too long on the subject it will dominate my mind and my day will turn for the worse because I will miss him too much. I mean no offense to anyone, especially my hubby, in saying that but sometimes when you think about just ONE person for too long your mood changes. Sometimes it even interfers with progress you were making. This is what I am trying to say. Anyways. I also am hoping to keep more up to date with this blog. I know I know! I've said that before and I do well for like a week and then don't post for a month or so! But I swear!!!! I will try to do better to post more often. Like I said, anyways! It is time for me to go to bed. I need to get up early to workout and then do my usual routine before work!
July 11, 2010
drama, drama, drama....
So to my not so many readers, I have had lots of drama going on in my life. I've found out that the people I thought were my friends were only fairweather friends. And it hurts because these people were supposedly my best friends. What makes it worse is that my husband is in and out and I have no family in this area. He is finding the same thing with some of his friends whom he works with! So right now, the only thing keeping us here is his job (which he's looking to change) and my job. I'm not going to get a better job anywhere else. I make good money to watch some amazing children. They're all boys so basically I get paid to make sure they don't kill themselves or each other. And the family is great! If we were to move to a new duty station or something, I'd have to find another job or be a stay at home wife. But I don't know if we could afford for me to stay at home all day with no job. Plus we bought our house here, but i think to solve that issue, we'd just rent it out to someone. But i'm telling you I have no support system here and it's breaking my heart. It feels exactly like it did when I lost my "best" friend back in college. She was a friend from my hometown whom I'd known for years! Now I feel like it's happening all over again. So right now, life is drama-filled and really up in the air.
I do have some good news! Well, sort of! My hubby and I have decided to be more eco-friendly and healthy. We went shopping at a local farmers market so we're helping our local economy. We're eating fresh produce and sometimes organic! And we're using reusable materials and bags and such. So I'm very proud of us for making this decision to be eco-friendly, healthier and support our local growers! And I seriously got some good deals. I'm so excited about doing this! I can't wait to go back. :)
I do have some good news! Well, sort of! My hubby and I have decided to be more eco-friendly and healthy. We went shopping at a local farmers market so we're helping our local economy. We're eating fresh produce and sometimes organic! And we're using reusable materials and bags and such. So I'm very proud of us for making this decision to be eco-friendly, healthier and support our local growers! And I seriously got some good deals. I'm so excited about doing this! I can't wait to go back. :)
April 24, 2010
parents.....
So my parents are in town this weekend. They flew in this morning and will leave tuesday. But it makes me nervous that they are here because I still feel like they treat me like a child and refuse to see me as an adult. Even though I have a house, bills, a car, dogs, a job, etc... they still talk DOWN to me, not TO me. Theres a big difference.
Anyways thats a huge long story right now. But Casey is gone again on an underway. I know its only for a short amount of time but for some reason I just feel down and I miss him like crazy. Maybe it's because we've lived together for the last 2 years now and before we hadn't lived together. I'm not sure.
My week at work was interesting because my boss was gone on a business trip so it was jsut me in the afternoons and her husband at the times when I'm not there. So I worked later than usual.
I know i'm totally jumping around in terms of topics but i don't feel like going into a whole lot of detail tonight and i'm very scatter-brainede tonight. Anyways, so my parents are in town and they showed up here at 11:30. We went out for luncha nd then went to Khols so they could buy an umbrella because it's pretty much going to rain all weekend. Then we went to Best Buy so they could buy a home charger for their GPS since they forgot their car charger at home. Then we came back here and just hung otu for a while with the dogs and Dad took a small cat-nap. Then they left at like 4:30 to go crash in their hotel. I bet they're already asleep. Mom has this tendancy to buy tickets for really really early flights. So they've been up for a while and been busy and jet lag so it's a bunch of factors put together. So i understand, but now I have no one to hang out with tonight. Megan and I hung out last night and Lisa's Dad is in town for her surgery. So i feel like I have no one to hang out with if i don't hang out with them. oh well. A night by myself with my bottle of wine to keep me company. so goodnight cyber space!
Anyways thats a huge long story right now. But Casey is gone again on an underway. I know its only for a short amount of time but for some reason I just feel down and I miss him like crazy. Maybe it's because we've lived together for the last 2 years now and before we hadn't lived together. I'm not sure.
My week at work was interesting because my boss was gone on a business trip so it was jsut me in the afternoons and her husband at the times when I'm not there. So I worked later than usual.
I know i'm totally jumping around in terms of topics but i don't feel like going into a whole lot of detail tonight and i'm very scatter-brainede tonight. Anyways, so my parents are in town and they showed up here at 11:30. We went out for luncha nd then went to Khols so they could buy an umbrella because it's pretty much going to rain all weekend. Then we went to Best Buy so they could buy a home charger for their GPS since they forgot their car charger at home. Then we came back here and just hung otu for a while with the dogs and Dad took a small cat-nap. Then they left at like 4:30 to go crash in their hotel. I bet they're already asleep. Mom has this tendancy to buy tickets for really really early flights. So they've been up for a while and been busy and jet lag so it's a bunch of factors put together. So i understand, but now I have no one to hang out with tonight. Megan and I hung out last night and Lisa's Dad is in town for her surgery. So i feel like I have no one to hang out with if i don't hang out with them. oh well. A night by myself with my bottle of wine to keep me company. so goodnight cyber space!
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