one of the worst moments of my life....

My husband, Casey, needed to be back on his ship by 9pm tonight because he had watch. Everyone else who didn't have a 9pm watch just had to be back on the ship at 10pm. So I wasn't sore about losing an hour with my hubby. What upset me was the drive tonight. We dropped his car off at the base because thats where they'll be pulling in at. I was fine with that. Nothing triggered for me. But tonight, he drove out to the shipyard and I sat in the passenger seat and stared out the window. What else could I do? I was going to drop off my husband. I knew it was only for a couple of days, but going and dropping him off at the gate made it feel real. That he really was gone. Previously, he's just driven himself to the shipyard because they've only done simulated out to seas and such and blah blah blah. So when he left the house, it only felt like he was going to work which is nothing out of the ordinary for us. But tonight was different. Very different. The whole ride was like 45 minutes long. For most of it I was silent. Casey had a phone call from a friend that he took for some of the time, but he held my hand most of the ride up. That was very sweet of him but the whole time I kept thinking about what I was about to do and what it meant. It jsut made it real to me. Maybe when he just left the house by himself I was in denial but I was fine. I went about my day and did things I needed to do and never really gave it a second thought. I missed him while he was gone, but I just was in the mind set of "he's at work" not "he's gone". Thinking of all of this, while trying not to let Casey see me mentally going crazy, was making my stomache turn into knots. Knots that made me feel physically ill. Right before we left the house I thought I was not going to be able to make the trip. But I just reminded myself to keep breathing and I'd get through this. But the feeling only got worse. Then when we parked and saying I Love You, the tears just started to fall and I couldn't stop them. I felt horrible because I wanted him to see me as I can handle this kind of thing. I mean I am a Navy Wife. People always say "well, this is what you signed up for" but what people don't realize is that while we did "sign up" for this kind of life, that does not mean we won't cry and miss our husbands/ wives. I mean for goodness sake, they're our spouse! We made lifelong committments to each other and you expect us not to shed a tear for them when they are required to spend a significant amount of time apart from us???? Thats what some people just don't understand. Anyways, I wanted to show him I could handle this and that I was strong. I thought that by crying I would make him feel guilty for having to leave me. I know he didn't want to leave me as much as I didn't want him leave. But its a neccessity for a Sailor to leave. Its not something we have a choice in. So we just deal with it and I did NOT deal with it well tonight. The emotions I was feeling were so overwhelming and I almost could not contain myself when I was having to drive myself back home. A couple of times I thought I might start crying and once I start crying there is no stopping me. And I hate to say this, but I am not a quiet, petite cryer. It is loud and its a hard cry, if you could cry hard. I don't just shed one tear out of each eye. I bawl like a baby. So I had to just try and compose myself until I got home. And I almost lost it when I got home because I just felt emotionally drained. I have yet to cry. I know that once I have a good long, hard cry I will feel better and be able to go about my duties as normal. I know that when I go upstairs to go to bed and the bed is so empty without him I will start crying. I hope it does make me feel better because tonight was one of the worst moments of my life.