April 17, 2010
1st night....
So I've had my first without my husband. After last night and have it finally hit me that he's going to be gone a lot in the coming weeks, months and this next year. Even tho it's real to me now and I thought I would cry myself to sleep last night, I did not. I would rather have had a good long cry to get it out of my system but it didn't happen. I must say I feel less hurt and upset today but when I start thinking about it I do start to feel like I'm tearing up. He also told me that he'd email me this morning and he never did. I'm sure he just got busy and didn't have time to check his email. I'm hoping to hear from him soon. I would love to get an email from him. It just feels like he's closer hwen I hear from him either by phone (a rarity) or by email. So tonight is short. I will probably go to bed soon because I have nothing better to do. Good night.
April 16, 2010
one of the worst moments of my life....
My husband, Casey, needed to be back on his ship by 9pm tonight because he had watch. Everyone else who didn't have a 9pm watch just had to be back on the ship at 10pm. So I wasn't sore about losing an hour with my hubby. What upset me was the drive tonight. We dropped his car off at the base because thats where they'll be pulling in at. I was fine with that. Nothing triggered for me. But tonight, he drove out to the shipyard and I sat in the passenger seat and stared out the window. What else could I do? I was going to drop off my husband. I knew it was only for a couple of days, but going and dropping him off at the gate made it feel real. That he really was gone. Previously, he's just driven himself to the shipyard because they've only done simulated out to seas and such and blah blah blah. So when he left the house, it only felt like he was going to work which is nothing out of the ordinary for us. But tonight was different. Very different. The whole ride was like 45 minutes long. For most of it I was silent. Casey had a phone call from a friend that he took for some of the time, but he held my hand most of the ride up. That was very sweet of him but the whole time I kept thinking about what I was about to do and what it meant. It jsut made it real to me. Maybe when he just left the house by himself I was in denial but I was fine. I went about my day and did things I needed to do and never really gave it a second thought. I missed him while he was gone, but I just was in the mind set of "he's at work" not "he's gone". Thinking of all of this, while trying not to let Casey see me mentally going crazy, was making my stomache turn into knots. Knots that made me feel physically ill. Right before we left the house I thought I was not going to be able to make the trip. But I just reminded myself to keep breathing and I'd get through this. But the feeling only got worse. Then when we parked and saying I Love You, the tears just started to fall and I couldn't stop them. I felt horrible because I wanted him to see me as I can handle this kind of thing. I mean I am a Navy Wife. People always say "well, this is what you signed up for" but what people don't realize is that while we did "sign up" for this kind of life, that does not mean we won't cry and miss our husbands/ wives. I mean for goodness sake, they're our spouse! We made lifelong committments to each other and you expect us not to shed a tear for them when they are required to spend a significant amount of time apart from us???? Thats what some people just don't understand. Anyways, I wanted to show him I could handle this and that I was strong. I thought that by crying I would make him feel guilty for having to leave me. I know he didn't want to leave me as much as I didn't want him leave. But its a neccessity for a Sailor to leave. Its not something we have a choice in. So we just deal with it and I did NOT deal with it well tonight. The emotions I was feeling were so overwhelming and I almost could not contain myself when I was having to drive myself back home. A couple of times I thought I might start crying and once I start crying there is no stopping me. And I hate to say this, but I am not a quiet, petite cryer. It is loud and its a hard cry, if you could cry hard. I don't just shed one tear out of each eye. I bawl like a baby. So I had to just try and compose myself until I got home. And I almost lost it when I got home because I just felt emotionally drained. I have yet to cry. I know that once I have a good long, hard cry I will feel better and be able to go about my duties as normal. I know that when I go upstairs to go to bed and the bed is so empty without him I will start crying. I hope it does make me feel better because tonight was one of the worst moments of my life.
April 09, 2010
evidence of my rollercoaster ride....
So since I last posted... things have gotten topsy turvy.
The night of my last post my mother called me and told me that my grandfather had a lump on his skull removed and the doctors believed it to be a cyst. But when in fact it was cancerous. But 3 doctors passed up treating him or removing it or became cautous about it when he went in for surgery a couple months ago to remove part of his lung of stage 3 cancer. I understand they were more focused on his lung cancer att he time but i personally do not believe that a doctore should be so tunnel visioned that he misses a visible lump on a patients skull. The good news is that they have removed the lump but there were branches of the cancer that had extended towards his skull. The doctors are unsure of whether or not the cancerous cell have reached the brain. At this point in time he has just finished his very first round of chemo and his white blood cell count is still very low and his body is unable to handle an MRI to check the rest of his body for other possible cancer spots so to speak. Until his white cell count rises he cannot have the MRI and everyone is unsure when that will be.
While i am frustrated at the doctors for missing something that is so obvious in my mind, i understand why they overlooked it. The hospital and insurances do not wish to pay for biopsies and such when they don't need to. But this to me is such a larger problem then just my grandfather and his cancerous lump that was not removed until late. This country has seen many stories like this. Insurance companies and hospitals and doctors have a hands-off and impersonal attitude when it comes to many of their patients. And they don't get personal or show any sign of human emotion until they're about to tell you that treatments aren't working and you have "x" amount of months to live. This is the reason I hate going to the doctors. Where are the family doctors who know you by name? Who know who your parents are and ask how they're doing and can actually recall what they do as a profession? Those are the kind of doctors I want my grandfather to see. The kind who will make his treatments personal and will actually know what my grandfather looks like. Notht he kind who only know his case number and insurance account. This is why our health care system is so out of whack. The doctors are impersonal because the insurance companies restrict what they will pay for and thus restricting the treatments the doctors will administer to their patients. And patients cannot get the treatments they need for correct, professional and somewhat personalized care because they are out of work due to their illness. And they cannot get health care at an affordable price because they are out of work so their income is lower thus reducing the amount of insurance they can afford which in turn lowers their options for doctors and treatments covered by said insurance. And if it medically neccessary for a patient to have a surgery or prdceedure done that insurance does not cover it, then they are paying out of pocket. This is why our countries citizens are so far in debt. Because no one goes on good faith and everyone is out to cover their own butts and only wants to get their cut of the check. No one just helps out anyone anymore without looking for something in return. It disgusts me the way everyone treats each other these days and how our system of health care and any policy for that matter benefits the 500 companies of this nation and not its people for which our government was built to protect.
alright... well i feel better now that i've gone on my politcal rampage. now onto more personal frustrations.
While it has been absolutely beautiful outside this week and I have been blessed to have had some time off, this week has brought me some doubts. I had tuesday off which is when I got the call from my mother about my grandfather. Wednesday I worked all day and Casey had duty so he was gone. Thursday (yesterday) i had the day off again. Casey got off of work early and helped Mike move the last of his stuff into a storage unit and smaller stuff into his room at our place. And last night we went to the Tides opening night which was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it. But yesterday I was informed by my husband about his upcoming schedule. For a couple days, starting today, the watchstanders will be on a 6 on 12 off schedule. This is awkward for me to get used to. I am so used to knowing his duty section and now it's all thrown into the wind. So while i am trying to understand it, I am also trying to grasp the concept that they'll be starting their fast cruise very shortly. They have been delayed so long that I have put off preparing myself for him being gone. Now I am having to get used to the idea in a very short amount of time. This are coming up on me so fast that i'm starting to feel overwhelmed. When i get overwhelmed I get cranky and become short with people who don't deserve to be snapped at. And if i bottled it all up I have a major meltdown at the most inopportune times. I'm just started to feel stressed out. I need to find somethign that relaxes me. Since mike has moved in, we have increased the video gaming exponentially! there are now 2 xbox's, a playstation 3 and a Wii. I'm kind of excited about the Wii because he does have Wii fit so I'm interested in trying it so i can get into shape. But also using it will allow me to try it before I actually buy myself one. Mike gets out of the Navy at the end of the year so he does not plan to stay with us long. But while he's here I will be able to have some company and i'll get to try out the Wii.
Well it's friday and it's been a long week. The kids go back to school next week so it'll be back to the normal schedule. But then in June this working everyday thing will be my normal. I don't know how i'm going to do it. Working 9 hours a day straight is tough. lol I don't know if I can ever work in the real world. I don't think I have the energy to do it! Well its off to "work". I might update later today. Not sure. either way, thank you readers (if there are even any of you)for letting me vent and rant and rave. until next time.
The night of my last post my mother called me and told me that my grandfather had a lump on his skull removed and the doctors believed it to be a cyst. But when in fact it was cancerous. But 3 doctors passed up treating him or removing it or became cautous about it when he went in for surgery a couple months ago to remove part of his lung of stage 3 cancer. I understand they were more focused on his lung cancer att he time but i personally do not believe that a doctore should be so tunnel visioned that he misses a visible lump on a patients skull. The good news is that they have removed the lump but there were branches of the cancer that had extended towards his skull. The doctors are unsure of whether or not the cancerous cell have reached the brain. At this point in time he has just finished his very first round of chemo and his white blood cell count is still very low and his body is unable to handle an MRI to check the rest of his body for other possible cancer spots so to speak. Until his white cell count rises he cannot have the MRI and everyone is unsure when that will be.
While i am frustrated at the doctors for missing something that is so obvious in my mind, i understand why they overlooked it. The hospital and insurances do not wish to pay for biopsies and such when they don't need to. But this to me is such a larger problem then just my grandfather and his cancerous lump that was not removed until late. This country has seen many stories like this. Insurance companies and hospitals and doctors have a hands-off and impersonal attitude when it comes to many of their patients. And they don't get personal or show any sign of human emotion until they're about to tell you that treatments aren't working and you have "x" amount of months to live. This is the reason I hate going to the doctors. Where are the family doctors who know you by name? Who know who your parents are and ask how they're doing and can actually recall what they do as a profession? Those are the kind of doctors I want my grandfather to see. The kind who will make his treatments personal and will actually know what my grandfather looks like. Notht he kind who only know his case number and insurance account. This is why our health care system is so out of whack. The doctors are impersonal because the insurance companies restrict what they will pay for and thus restricting the treatments the doctors will administer to their patients. And patients cannot get the treatments they need for correct, professional and somewhat personalized care because they are out of work due to their illness. And they cannot get health care at an affordable price because they are out of work so their income is lower thus reducing the amount of insurance they can afford which in turn lowers their options for doctors and treatments covered by said insurance. And if it medically neccessary for a patient to have a surgery or prdceedure done that insurance does not cover it, then they are paying out of pocket. This is why our countries citizens are so far in debt. Because no one goes on good faith and everyone is out to cover their own butts and only wants to get their cut of the check. No one just helps out anyone anymore without looking for something in return. It disgusts me the way everyone treats each other these days and how our system of health care and any policy for that matter benefits the 500 companies of this nation and not its people for which our government was built to protect.
alright... well i feel better now that i've gone on my politcal rampage. now onto more personal frustrations.
While it has been absolutely beautiful outside this week and I have been blessed to have had some time off, this week has brought me some doubts. I had tuesday off which is when I got the call from my mother about my grandfather. Wednesday I worked all day and Casey had duty so he was gone. Thursday (yesterday) i had the day off again. Casey got off of work early and helped Mike move the last of his stuff into a storage unit and smaller stuff into his room at our place. And last night we went to the Tides opening night which was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it. But yesterday I was informed by my husband about his upcoming schedule. For a couple days, starting today, the watchstanders will be on a 6 on 12 off schedule. This is awkward for me to get used to. I am so used to knowing his duty section and now it's all thrown into the wind. So while i am trying to understand it, I am also trying to grasp the concept that they'll be starting their fast cruise very shortly. They have been delayed so long that I have put off preparing myself for him being gone. Now I am having to get used to the idea in a very short amount of time. This are coming up on me so fast that i'm starting to feel overwhelmed. When i get overwhelmed I get cranky and become short with people who don't deserve to be snapped at. And if i bottled it all up I have a major meltdown at the most inopportune times. I'm just started to feel stressed out. I need to find somethign that relaxes me. Since mike has moved in, we have increased the video gaming exponentially! there are now 2 xbox's, a playstation 3 and a Wii. I'm kind of excited about the Wii because he does have Wii fit so I'm interested in trying it so i can get into shape. But also using it will allow me to try it before I actually buy myself one. Mike gets out of the Navy at the end of the year so he does not plan to stay with us long. But while he's here I will be able to have some company and i'll get to try out the Wii.
Well it's friday and it's been a long week. The kids go back to school next week so it'll be back to the normal schedule. But then in June this working everyday thing will be my normal. I don't know how i'm going to do it. Working 9 hours a day straight is tough. lol I don't know if I can ever work in the real world. I don't think I have the energy to do it! Well its off to "work". I might update later today. Not sure. either way, thank you readers (if there are even any of you)for letting me vent and rant and rave. until next time.
April 06, 2010
cool drinks and dark lines!
So it's my day off and i could not have asked for a more beautiful day! The sun is shining and it's hott outside! I put my bathing suit on and am laying in the sun all day today! Yeah there are things that i should be doing but i'm not going to do them today because its my day off! i've been working almost everyday since the beginning of September. I had some time off at Thanksgiving but we drove to NH/MA so that was kind of a chore. While i enjoyed my time off then i still had things to do, people to see, etc. not always a vacation where you can say ... i have nothing to do. so i'm not going to do anything but be lazy, read a book, go to the beach etc. Ya knpw? Then I got some time off at Christmas time and we ended up going to NC to see family so while it was nice again... there were places to go, things to do, people to see and not much downtime. This is the first day off where I haven't got to go anywhere, see anyone or do anythign that is peticularly urgent. I mean I could go pick up Casey's uniforms from the tailor. But they don't close til 5:30 so as long as I leave here by like 4:30 I'll be good! I'm kind of wishing I didn't even have to do that because then i'd be outside with a nice cold beverage of the alcoholic kind laying in the sun, trying to imagine myself on a beach in the Carribean or even just Florida sitting by a pool. So unfortunetly can't be drinking my preferred drink but I will still thoroughly enjoy my sunning outside with my good book and some water. So now I am back to the heated abyss i love so much! p.s. have I mentioned how much I love tan lines?
April 04, 2010
updates... long overdue!
So obviously it has been a VERY, VERY long time since I've posted. Life, as so many know, has become chaotic. We are in a new year and life as I know it has changed. Again. But that is nothing new to this Navy wife. Casey's ship has been delayed for months getting out of it's maintenance period. But finally they are looking like they'll be moving out soon. This is a blessing and a curse. I am thrilled for them to be moving on because my husbands job has had him working long hours with bitchy people on a 3 section duty. But its also a curse because once they move on out they'll start their underways to prepare for a deployment only God knows when. While I have been through a deployment before (the first 3 months we were married he was deployed) I am in a different place in my life now than i was then. We own our house, have 3 beagles to care for, and I have a job which doesn't allow me to come home in the middle of the day to let them out. Also they've been around for so long I haven't even mentally prepared myself for doing the dishes by myself, mowing the lawn by myself, cleaning the house by myself, dealing with legalities (should they arise) by myself and pretty much just spending every day for months by myself. Before I was living in a house with multiple people all with different personalities which kept life busy and interesting. This time, it's just me and the dogs. It will be very different. I know I will have my job to keep me busy but that can only go so far.
And while I'd like to say I have a ton of friends here who will keep me busy and get me out of the house, I cannot say I that I have that many. I can only think of ONE person who has been a friend to me for a while and she has never wavered in our friendship once. Everyone else is more the fairweather friend type which has me completely baffled and hurt. Some of these people used to tell me "I'm always here for you" and when I need them, they're off doing something, unreachable or just choose not to help a so-called friend. So "friends" have come and gone like seasons for me. I'm trying to imply that I've been the perfect friend, but i always try to help when and where I can. This is often hard to do with my friends who are miles away.
Now jumping back to the job thing. Last time I posted I was working for the Wrights. Wrong. It turns out that fell through and I never worked a single day for them. So my job search continued. I had interviewed for a position with a family with 4 children, 3 of which were triplets and one of the triplets having cerebral palsy. It would be a challenge for me because I've never worked with special needs children. The family was wonderful! The hours were perfect! And the pay was more than satisfactory. Well they chose another person as their nanny and my job search commenced once again. Well it never really stopped, just put on hold because I was really hoping for this job. So a week later I got an email from this great family asking if the mother could call me. Of course I said sure but was curious as to why. Apparently the woman they had hired had some indiscretions in her background check that they weren't thrilled about. So they asked me if I was still available for hire! Of course I said yes! It was one of the best days of my life and today I know i am truly blessed to have this job! It's so perfect for me and the family is just great. I make enough money to help Casey's income to pay bills and we've even paid off his car!
About a year ago our roommate Jon, moved out so we have had the house to ourselves for a while. Right now a friend of ours, Mike, has moved since he and his gf split. Its nice having someone else in the house again. Also there's a possibility of Casey life-long friend, Nick, moving in for a bit. That's if he gets this job. I hope he does get the job. It'll be great to have people in the house again and it's also a great opportunity for him to advance in his career and actually do what he wants to do. Bit of random news here: my parents are coming to town for a visit. I'm excited to see them. Nervous too. But they're my parents. I think they'll always make me a little nervous. I think that's all the updates. Oh! Happy Easter!
And while I'd like to say I have a ton of friends here who will keep me busy and get me out of the house, I cannot say I that I have that many. I can only think of ONE person who has been a friend to me for a while and she has never wavered in our friendship once. Everyone else is more the fairweather friend type which has me completely baffled and hurt. Some of these people used to tell me "I'm always here for you" and when I need them, they're off doing something, unreachable or just choose not to help a so-called friend. So "friends" have come and gone like seasons for me. I'm trying to imply that I've been the perfect friend, but i always try to help when and where I can. This is often hard to do with my friends who are miles away.
Now jumping back to the job thing. Last time I posted I was working for the Wrights. Wrong. It turns out that fell through and I never worked a single day for them. So my job search continued. I had interviewed for a position with a family with 4 children, 3 of which were triplets and one of the triplets having cerebral palsy. It would be a challenge for me because I've never worked with special needs children. The family was wonderful! The hours were perfect! And the pay was more than satisfactory. Well they chose another person as their nanny and my job search commenced once again. Well it never really stopped, just put on hold because I was really hoping for this job. So a week later I got an email from this great family asking if the mother could call me. Of course I said sure but was curious as to why. Apparently the woman they had hired had some indiscretions in her background check that they weren't thrilled about. So they asked me if I was still available for hire! Of course I said yes! It was one of the best days of my life and today I know i am truly blessed to have this job! It's so perfect for me and the family is just great. I make enough money to help Casey's income to pay bills and we've even paid off his car!
About a year ago our roommate Jon, moved out so we have had the house to ourselves for a while. Right now a friend of ours, Mike, has moved since he and his gf split. Its nice having someone else in the house again. Also there's a possibility of Casey life-long friend, Nick, moving in for a bit. That's if he gets this job. I hope he does get the job. It'll be great to have people in the house again and it's also a great opportunity for him to advance in his career and actually do what he wants to do. Bit of random news here: my parents are coming to town for a visit. I'm excited to see them. Nervous too. But they're my parents. I think they'll always make me a little nervous. I think that's all the updates. Oh! Happy Easter!
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