So Today I blew off the soccer games the kids I nanny for were in. I said that I might make it, but after my day from hell yesterday I downed some wine and just went to bed and stayed in bed until 10:30. Then I actually showered and got dressed, met a lady at the NEX to give her this bottle she needed and then head back home. After that I hung around for a bit and then went out to dinner with my friend M. We went to a place called Still. It's a tappas place. I'd never been to one before so it was nice to try something new, but also to just get out of the house. I didn't tell her about the miscarriage. It hurts so bad to just think about it let alone tell someone about it. I feel like that maybe if I say it out loud to someone, then it'll be real and I guess I jsut want to believe the doctor was wrong and that this isn't happening to me and that I'm still pregnant. My head knows I'm not, but my heart doesn't want to let it go. Hubby called me today and I bawled my eyes out. Just talking about everything that's happened this week. Our families still don't know. My mom flew home today from IL where she was helping my grandfather with his cancer treatments. Hubby's family was in NC celebrating two special birthdays; Grandma's 80th and Great Aunt Kathryn's 100th. So I feel like they all have so much going on already that telling them would be a big inconvenience to them. Or that I'll get the dreaded "if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't your time" or "you have plenty of time to have a family". Hearing those things after losing a baby does NOT make me feel any better and actually make me resent you for saying them because you OBVIOUSLY have no idea what its like to go through this. I guess that's why I've avoided telling a lot of people. Most of the people we hang out with are single or young and married. They're people who are nice and wonderful friends, but they have no idea how to react when put in a situation like us telling them about a miscarriage. I'm not saying they should know how, I guess I'm just trying to explain that I want to spare the awkwardness by not sharing in the first place. But family. I wish my family, specifically, would step up to the plate a little more and be supportive of me and tell me its okay to grieve, cry and be angry. After all that's said and done, then you can give me words of encouragement of trying again and how i'm still young and have plenty of time. But until then, keep it to simple sayings like "i'm here for you" or "i'm so sorry" or "come cry on my shoulder" types. I just wish I could talk to someone about it because even though I have friends, I feel like they just wouldn't understand or know how to be supportive in the right way.
But back to my original post subject... M. took me out and I ate some great food and drank alcohol because at this point I'm in the mindset of "what's the fucking point?" I hope to take hubby to Still someday because the food was really great. And it was nice to get out. The whole time my heart hurt because it took all my will power to not think about the baby I lost during our entire night out. But I put on my smile and faked it. Maybe I'm a good actor because I don't think M. knew a thing. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I know I'm just glad I didn't burst into tears as I saw the baby sleeping in a stroller on the way out of the restaurant.
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