Reality hurts

My Grandfather is dying. He has cancer. He was only diagnosed Feb. of this year. I have not seen him since August 2009. He most likely won't make to Christmas 2011. He'll have this year but most of next year is up in the air. I am not writing this to you all because I want pity. This is my online journal where I can express myself and I find myself needing to vent or cry or just type it all out. I feel badly that I haven't seen him in so long, but financial issues have become problematic when it comes to airplane ticket prices to get out there to see him. I've spoken to family members who have seen him (ones that will actually tell me like it is) and say he's only the shell of the man that we once knew. This saddens me so much. I can remember all the times we've laughed together and he's teased me endlessly. My sister and I always used to describe him as a crusty marshmellow. He's old and burnt and crusty on the outside, but on the inside he's a big hunk of goo. And if you knew my Grandfather, you'd know that is the perfect description of him. Now that he is ill, he apparently doesn't have his same spirit. He's lost weight, doesn't eat much, doesn't walk well and is still undergoing chemotherapy and radiation which leaves him weak and in pain so most of the time he's on pain medication and sleeping. I have this great desire to see him alive one last time but don't have the money right now. We jsut can't afford it. This breaks my heart because I feel like I'm the ONLY grandchild who hasn't seen him since he was diagnosed. I feel guilty about it too. And I know anyone in my family that I tell that to will say ,"but everyone understands, you do what you have to". But it jsut doesn't feel right to me. I guess I just dont' want the next time I see him to be at his funeral. I will feel like I failed to see him when everyone else made it. God I sound so selfish just now! I'm worried about how I'd feel if he passes! He's dying! God I'm horrible! He's dying and I'm worried about me! ugh... sometimes I don't understand myself. I do want to see him because he's my grandfather and I would like to see him before he passes,but I don't want to make it a selfish thing. I want to see him. He's my grandfather and I love him. I jsut wish we had the means to fly to see him. I hate that my husband isnt' home right now. I could really use a shoulder to cry on because for the first time since I heard he had cancer, it is really sinking in as reality right now. :(