And so it begins....

.... the waiting. For the last month to month and a half, hubby and I have been spending as much time together as possible, and with family and then preparing for his deployment. I have never tried to kid myself about this deployment shrugging it off like it was nothing and that I'd never have a bad day. I KNEW this deployment was going to suck. When hubby and I eloped, he left to join the ship on it's deployment less than a week after we married. So for the first 3 months of our marriage we were apart. But we had not lived together as man and wife yet, so it was easy to get through that one, plus I lived in a house filled with crazy people. Now though... Now it's hard. We've lived together, bough a house together, gotten a dog or two together, and enjoyed being married for 3 years now. We know what it's like to have the other come home from work with a smile and a kiss. We know what it's like to buy a house and arrange furniture in it. We know what it's like to fall asleep next to each other in OUR bed. We know what it's like to get up and go to work in the morning knowing that the other will be home that night to provide good conversation and companionship. But all of that gets put on hold. He's deployed. There will be lots of emails, occasional calls, writing of journals, recording of video messages, boxes with goodies sent and even a special nighttime setting on the phone for when that late night call comes in so you don't miss it. Right now, I'm okay. I could be better and the littlest thing will set me off in a crying fit. But I did a majority of my crying yesterday. Hubby had duty so he had to be there yesterday. So in the early morning hours when the sun was not even up, I drove him to the base and tearfully dropped him off. Then proceeded to work all day and then decided (between text messages back and forth between hubby and I) that I would bring him his "last supper" of pizza to the ship so we could spend just a tiny bit more time together. So there I was, 3 pizzas in hand (of course shared with the guys) walking up the steep steps to get on the ship to eat our last supper together. So we sat there, somewhat awkwardly, and ate, made small talk, and finally deciding it was time to go, he walked me back off the ship where we said our final goodbyes. Because I had done most of my crying earlier in the day, I was surprisingly decent during our exchange. Today is a different story. I woke to a phone call from him (tearful, but don't tell him I told you) wanting to say he loved me one more time. I loved that he called and cherished the short moments we had on the phone but that turned the emotional status for the day from okay to wishy-washy. Any little thing can remind me and send me bawling like a baby. A text from my sister saying she was just a phone call away, a song on the radio that reminded me of him or of someone leaving, or a photo, article, or video of the actual ship leaving or wives talking of their SO leaving threw me into a sudden fight over control of my emotions. Through all of it, I know my hubby and I will get through it. I'm not saying we each won't have bad days, thats a guarantee, but the fact that we still go to work and live through them will show how strong we are individually. Hubby and I have great communication and a love like I used to dream about and am now lucky to posses. It's so incredibly strong that I know we will both have the same love when he returns. Love will remain for us both. My sanity, on the other hand, may not. I do not have many girlfriends in the area and the ones I do have are busy women and I never wish to invade or occupy their precious time. I work with children all day and go home to 3 dogs in the evenings. Hubby was my adult conversation and my best friend. Now that he's gone I can only communicate to him through emails or wait until he calls. So I'm sure my sanity will take a beating because now that he's gone I will be yearning for real adult conversations. But keeping busy is an everyday task that requires a lot on my part to plan and such. I have many plans for while he is gone as well as my own goals and mini-projects. I will keep busy so hopefully time will fly. I'm sure it will and I'll be glad when it does. But until then, it's just the beginning. Still raw, painful and often heartbreaking. But in the end, when he's home... none of it will matter. So even though this new beginning may be hard, I'll get through it and look forward to my end reward. My husband back home with me.